Vatican Special Forces

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The Swiss Guard out in force during the second resurrection of Saint Nicholas.

Vatican Special Forces are the elite units tasked with the protection of the pope and of the Vatican City itself and all the mysterious wonders that lie within. It is also known as the Swiss Guards, due to being known as the army that consumes the most Swiss cheese per personnel.

In its role as the prime repository for talking to God and receiving presents, the Vatican has had cause in the past to rely on military measures to protect it's sizable investments. Since the industrial revolution put all the Elves out of work it has also had to deal with industrial sabotage from disgruntled (and immortal) faeries and other immortal figures that don't exist according to Catholic dogma.


The Vatican Special Forces are drawn from the Elite of many national armies. The main cause for hiring the men came after the ruthless suppression of Shoe Elves in 1674 which resulted in the closure of an illegal trans-dimensional portal through which Elves were transporting shoes in to help an elderly shoemaker. The speed and skill with which the pointy-eared bastards were wiped out made a great impression on the Santa Claus of the day and he hired them to ensure that a direct line to God remained open, and also that the cheap plastic tat he sent to the local rich families continued to flow. Over the past 300 odd years the unit has become almost a part of the Vatican, allowed to sleep over at weekends and sometimes allowed to stay up until 9pm as long as it's not a school day.


No, they don't wear dresses but they do wear pyjamas and extremely stupid looking helmets. Vatican Special Forces are not well concealed on the battlefield, relying mostly on sheer balls to do what other units might achieve with, say, tactics or planning. VSF troops off duty must wear costumes of similar ridiculousness so a lot of them work part-time as sports mascots or adverts for PayPoint.

Famous Battles[edit]

The aforementioned "Battle of the Shoe Elves" (1674) was the first of many victories of the VSF. The most recent example was the recent counterinsurgency work in Norway where it appeared that an impostor seeking to take over Kris Kringle's work in the area close to the border between Norway and that other country that's close by, the one that looks like a bell end. Finland, right? The VSF moved in force and with the utilization of "Hearts and Minds" tactics managed to decapitate/eviscerate several hundred locals, including men, women, children and moose. Chuck Norris is a member of the Swiss Guard. He (Chuck) heads the "Balls Beat Bombs" 307th Vatican Infantry unit and has cooperated extensively with Mr. T and Vin Diesel in developing a unique fighting style for these Men-Who-Possess-Balls-Made-Of-Adamantium-But-Still-Get-Pwnt-By-T3h-Mafia-When-Pressed which is based on Krav Maga, Ju-Jitsu & Su Do Ku.


Being Swiss, the main weapon in the Swiss Guard arsenal is the Swiss Army Knife. These have tools for ANY situation, including decapitating, sawing off peoples heads, screwing them, scissoring them, opening them with a can opener, opening a can of spaghetti and throwing it at them, or simply taking off the cork of a champagne for the Pope to enjoy. Questions must be asked however, about the butch-factor of an army that has a cork opener on their most famed weapon. The Swiss Army Knife also has the capability to open Swiss Banks (provided you are Swiss). The photo above shows the Swiss Guard brandishing the traditional extended Swiss Army Knife. The knife also relates to rank; the Swiss Guard have no insignia or medals to distinguish one rank from another, rather, the thicker your knife, and the more things it can do, the better your rank.


The Swiss Guard use their Swiss Army knives as a form of insignia for distinguishing rank. The ranks are displayed below:

  • Private E0: Nail cutter
  • Private E1: Nail file
  • Private E2: Nail file, rusty blade
  • First Class Private: Nail file, sharp blade, corkscrew, tweezers
  • Specialist: All of the above plus glow in the dark casing
  • Corporal: All of the above plus glow in the dark casing, saw, toothpick, letter opener
  • Sergeant: All of the above plus glow in the dark casing, saw, toothpick, letter opener, long blade knife, hook
  • Staff Sergeant: All of the above plus glow in the dark casing, saw, toothpick, letter opener, long blade knife, hook, scissors, beer can opener, bottle opener, can opener
  • First Class Sergeant: All of the above and a sewing kit
  • Master Sergeant: All of the above plus a velvet pouch and keyring
  • First Sergeant: All of the above plus small water reservoir and a wrench
  • Sergeant Major: All of the above but placed in a polished 24 carat gold casing
  • Command Sergeant Major: All of the above plus a dildo, sexual lubricant and sports whistle
  • Sergeant Major of the Swiss Guard: nail file, sharp blade, corkscrew, cork, holographic projector, tweezers, glow in the dark gold casing, Swiss bank vault opener, swiss bank vault, letter opener, letter, dildo, lubricant (car), lubricant (sex), toothpick, long blade knife, little knife, knife sharpener, hook, scissors, beer can opener, beer can, bottle opener, bottle, can opener, can, person opener (larger knife), midget, water reservoir, sewing kit, velvet pouch, gold keyring, vibrator, mobile phone, immobile phone, condom pouch, Swiss Rolex watch, swiss army knife, the pope, a walkie talkie, Pope hat and the Pope's staff.