Uncyclopedia:UnSignpost/Press Room/8

OK people, hit us with your awesome ideas. Please?

OK folks, here's the deal: you saw the patronising editorial. Unless you want something similarly bollocks again this week, give me some content. --UU - natter 11:22, Jan 5

I'm gay. that's news isn't it? Also, hello. :P SK Sir Orian57Talk RotM 19:11 5 January 2009

Or, actually. I would like it to be noted that I wouldn't have said anything of the sort reported in last weeks edition. I would file a complaint for slander. Also U.U. why is this new stuff above the line that says new stuff has to go under it? SK Sir Orian57Talk RotM 19:35 5 January 2009

Hi Orian. How's about writing an article for the next issue, seeing as you're here and obviously have nothing else to do? --UU - natter 20:03, Jan 5

Well I would, but on what exactly? Or roughly -- evenly vaguly would do. SK Sir Orian57Talk RotM 20:07 5 January 2009

I dunno. Anything. Investigate. Maybe something newsworthy has happended. If not, make something up, it never stopped us before. Pretty please with sprinkles? --UU - natter 20:13, Jan 5

I can write something. Give me a day or so. —Sir SysRq (talk) 20:23, 5 January 2009 (UTC)

Well ok I'll have a look around. SK Sir Orian57Talk RotM 20:28 5 January 2009

Rough Draft of "Article gets +21 votes on VFH"

From the news article: UnNews:Article gets +21 votes on VFH. It was suggested that I move it here.

Only a few days after going back to featuring "Today's Featured Article" for only one day, instead of the previous two, the article, The defense rests, your honor received 21 "for" votes and no "against" after a mere 3 days on VFH. The article, nominated on VFH by SysRq, and written by noted admin Modusoperandi, is the first article surpass +20 votes in a long while on VFH. Upon hearing of his accomplishment, Modus is heard to have said, "I'd like to thank all of the little people that I crushed to get where I am," and, "Can I wear my Kernel Popcorn costume?" SysRq, the article nominator is quoted as saying, "I was the one who nommed that article; I deserve some recognition."

For those of you are new around here, VFH is the process by which uncyclopedia nominates articles for "Today's Featured Article", the article in the top left corner on the mainpage. All users of uncyclopedia, including anonymous ip users are encouraged to vote on VFH and nominate articles on VFH. VFH can be found here, but typing in VFH in the search box, by clicking the "Votes for Highlight" link under the community links on the right (its second from the bottom between "Pee Review" and "Votes for Pictures"), and Uncyclopedia:VFH, in addition to several other redirects.

Many users have expressed approval of this accomplishment, as the more votes an article gets, the better an article is. Therefore, by voting on an article, one injects more quality into an article, in the same way that manufacturers "inspect" quality back into a finished part. Additionally, the admins will not longer be forced to torture various cute animals to inspire users to vote in VFH: provided VFH doesn't stall out again.

--Mnbvcxz 07:12, 7 January 2009 (UTC)

Thanks Mnbvcxz, all contributions gratefully received. --UU - natter 10:32, Jan 7

SysRq Presents A Filler Story: Uncyclopedians on Xbox Live

Recently, hundreds dozens some Uncyclopedians have joined the ranks of thousands of pizza-faced proud high school graduates and pre-pubescent twelve year old boys in the dysfunctional, loosely connected network of gamers known as Xbox Live. Among these traitors to Uncyclopedia were Orian57, a friend of the UnSignpost and frequently featured writer. Other Uncyclopedians on Xbox Live include The Woodburninator, Mhaille, Bonner, and Heerenveen. How could such successful Uncyclopedians go so wrong? I went undercover as "Pope Gustav" to expose these turncoats and find out why they abandoned the site in such numbers.

The following is an actual transcript between me (under the alias "Pope Gustav") and Orian57 (under the alias "Orian57") on Xbox Live.

Pope Gustav: Hey buddy, it's SysRq from Uncyclopedia.

Orian57: Hello. You want to play some Horde?

Pope Gustav: Yeah, man. We're playing on Gridlock, right?

Orian57: Actually, Security is a much easier map for Horde.

Pope Gustav: Cool.

This is stunning evidence that Orian57, along with others, is leaving the site for the glamorous life of Xbox Live. When confronted with this transcript and these accusations, Orian replied that "I was just on Uncyclopedia today. I was just bored and wanted something else to do." Oddly enough, all of the other Uncyclopedians that have Xbox Live accounts that I spoke to also claimed to have "lives" outside of Uncyclopedia, lives that mainly consist of playing Halo 3.

—Sir SysRq (talk) 21:45, 7 January 2009 (UTC)

If you can't think of anything, how about a story about Boomer retiring from being the dictator of pee review, and U.U. taking his place. --Mnbvcxz 05:41, 8 January 2009 (UTC)

Thanks Sys, much obliged. Mnbvcxz: you want to see such an article, you write it - I've done all the own-trumpet blowing I'm gonna do over PEEING on the talk page. --UU - natter 15:06, Jan 8

UnderUser Now Head of Pee Review

In a surprise move, Boomer, former dictator in absentia of the Pee Review committee, has announced his retirement officially. In his place, he has appointed Under user, notable reviewer and maintainer of the Pee Review committee page, to his old position of Captain Catheter. Some regular pee reviewers are worried, Orian57 was heard to say, "If Under user is going to do Boomer's job, then who the hell are we going to get the do U.U.'s old job of keeping track of pee reviews, judging the quality of pee reviews, and actually getting around to doing pee reviews! Don't look at me, I'm gay."

Under user put aside such fears, promising to continue doing his job, in addition to doing everything that Boomer does. However, some users are still not convinced this is a good idea, or even possible. One, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "I seriously doubt that Under can do Boomer's job and his own at the same time. I mean, how can Under-User be accused of being a lazy arse if he has almost twice as many good pee reviews as anyone else and does 75% of the pee review maintenance tasks! This ruins the running pee review committee in-joke about the Captain Catheter not doing anything. There is no way this can work." --Mnbvcxz 15:55, 8 January 2009 (UTC)

Oh look, Mn beat me to it... Damn, huh? SK Sir Orian57Talk RotM 21:48 8 January 2009

Go ahead and improve it if you want, that is just a first draft. --Mnbvcxz 05:52, 9 January 2009 (UTC)

Just put my name in it, that way people think I'm still actually doing something for this site. I really want to do something but I'm not sure what. :S SK Sir Orian57Talk RotM 05:57 9 January 2009

This will go in the next issue, whenever MrN gets around to firing up the paperbot and sending out the current issue. It will need a tweak or two, and a quote from someone like, er, me. I suggest: "I'm relieved to be taking up this position as it will drastically reduce the number of reviews I'm expected to do. Also, I'm thinking of introducing a policy of stripping Orian57, and only him, of his RotM award, his rank, his mittens and his right to drink hot chocolate ever again unless he does a bloody review any time soon". That ought to do it. ;-) --UU - natter 09:40, Jan 9

Well there's no such thing as bad press is there? I'm gonna, really I am. SK Sir Orian57Talk RotM 09:43 9 January 2009

Good Job

Thank you for another bang-up job on the current USP. ... That's about it... But yeah! Good job! • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} 19:41, Jan 17

Thanks. Now write something for the next issue! --UU - natter 15:37, Jan 20

I'd love to, but is there anything for me to write about? I'm out of ideas. • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} 16:55, Jan 21

Me too, and the next issue is due tomorrow! And I have football training tonight so it'll have to be the usual thursday morning rush job in between my real work. Argh! You could, if you want, do a special look at the "of the year" voting, profiling the nominees, reporting on the running etc - that would probably fill some significant space and give you opportunities to have fun. I'd do it myself, but I'm off to training now. Tatty byes! --UU - natter 17:00, Jan 21

Story, Girl Pictured in Image:Do a jailbait.jpg Determined to be a Shemale, World Revealed

Ok, this is stupid and maybe to in-jokey, but still, it filler. Also, I'm going to ask people to put their own comments in here instead of making up quotes. --Mnbvcxz 17:22, 30 January 2009 (UTC)

---

To the relief of uncyclopedia, notorious image Image:Do a jailbait.jpg has been scientifically proven not be a girl. Originally, many suspected that the disturbing and disturbingly attractive image was that of young girl: age estimates ranging from jail bait age down to "pedo-bear approves" age. However, do to much "research" on the internet regarding the appearance shemales who are just over the age of consent, it has been determined that said image was in fact a young shemale. Researchers said the hairy arms and the huge penis of the image in question prove without a doubt that the image can't be that of a girl.

Many in the uncyclopedia community have been relived by the news. (insert comments here)