Uncyclopedia:UnSignpost/Press Room/4

Oh yeah, you should probably include

This at some point. – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 03:05 Jul 06, 2008

Add it yourself you lazy bastard. In case you havent noticed, we havent sent the thrusday paper cause nobody but me has writen anything, and i dont like to write much. FUCK DAMN! 76.110.94.210 03:31, 6 July 2008 (UTC)

I'll write something, maybe. where can I see the issue that is being worked on/post my contributions? -- egregious Ape (hump) (Riot Porn) 20:38, 7 July 2008 (UTC)

The latest issue is here. I've kinda added more stuff and got it ready to go this week, I hope, but please roll your sleeves up and get stuck into next week's as much as you want! The easiest way to find the latest issue is probably to use Special:prefixindex, and specify namespace Uncyclopedia and prefix UnSignpost, like this, then look for the latest date. --UU - natter 09:29, Jul 9

I rather liked...

Olipro's Ban summary;

• (Block log); 18:49 . . Olipro (Talk | contribs) (blocked User:70.173.54.200 with an expiry time of 1 week: This is a penis, this is you) Any chance it can be pencilled into the according section? (Bonner) (Talk) Jul 11, 17:53

Fare Hike?

OMG FARE HIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111

So there's a rumour going around that you guys are inreasing the fare for the UnSignPost? I already pay 0.00000000001 cents for the virtual paper based on internet costs, and I hear you guys want to include another 0.000001 cents on top of that. Is this true?! If so, that is an outrage! - Admiral Enzo Aquarius-Dial the Gate 21:01, 13 July 2008 (UTC)

Article Fail

• (Huff log); 00:01 . . Mhaille (Talk | contribs) (huffed "Big borther": content was: 'big brother is a reality tv show which after about 8 weeks everybody has done it with everybody' (and the only contributor was '131.217.6.6'))

- Admiral Enzo Aquarius-Dial the Gate 00:02, 15 July 2008 (UTC)

Porn and that?

What about this and the inevitable restoring of the cosmic balance? SK Sir Orian57Talk RotM 16:34 17 July 2008

service offering

i am interested in becoming a contributor for your dealie. furthermore, i suggest adding a horoscope section, and i volunteer this page to be the source of said section (maybe one select sign for each issue, similar to the blurb appearing on the right side of the UnNews page?) furtherfurthermore, i am back for good, jerks! --SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 02:20, 21 July 2008 (UTC)

Cool, always happy to have more writers involved, particularly those who don't call us jerks. Oh, hang on... Anyway, feel free to write something and drop it in here - I'd be grateful for the help (as would the original editors, who are taking, er, an extended editorial break from UnSignpost journalism. Yeah, that's what they're doing. As to the horoscope, yeah, I might drop it in. Why don't you visit the next issue and drop it in somewhere as you envisage it working? --UU - natter 09:42, Jul 21

sounds like a plan. i'll be adding content to User:Gerrycheevers/usp, feel free to take a look at it and use any content there if you're looking for material. --SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 19:57, 21 July 2008 (UTC)

excellent

hooray! i'm a journalist! i'd love to continue helping you out, UU. might i request the title of junior reporter? -SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 16:43, 24 July 2008 (UTC)

Well, technically I have no title either, being as Cajek And Skullthumper are still nominally the editors. So either: 1. Go ask them. Or: 2. Sure, knock yourself out. And I'll call myself editor-by-default or something. Or maybe I won't. Anyway, please do keep doing stuff if you want to Gerry, glad of all the help there is! --UU - natter 17:15, Jul 24

good enough for me. i look forward to helping you out with the signpost, and also bringing you and dudebot your coffee. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 17:23, 24 July 2008 (UTC)

Olipro strikes again and news story

(Block log); 14:58 . . Olipro (Talk | contribs) (blocked User:Cajek with an expiry time of 69 seconds)

Also, you guys got to have something in regards to the deleted Rouge the Bat article which was...err...uh....very...uh...hentai-ish? - Admiral Enzo Aquarius-Dial the Gate 15:00, 28 July 2008 (UTC)

OK, well, you write something about it, and if it doesn't suck, it goes in. Suck are the stringent quality control processes here at the UnSignpost. (I so didn't see the Rouge the Bat thing, so anything I write about it would be short, to say the least. --UU - natter 15:07, Jul 28

RC stalker ahoy! If you want, I can restore it to some subpage or something...it'd take about 30 seconds. - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon (Tick Tock) (Contribs) 15:31, Jul 28

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Yes, it's true. Death is inevitable for all users who have logged in recently. Apparently, a rouge admin created a computer virus so potent you actually contract testicular cancer. Real cancer. Like, In real life. Seriously. And how does one contract the virus? Our resident MD warns us that the simple act of logging in to Uncyclopedia will cause one to contract the fatal disease. "Yes, I know cancer isn't a disease nor a virus" said the doctor "but still, it sucks. I mean - it's cancer - IN YOUR BALLS. Come on.". Cancer survivor Lance "Uniball" Armstrong had this to say: "Yeah, it totally sucks." So how exactly does on know when they have cancer? Symptoms may include one or more of the following:

• a lump in one testis or a hardening of one of the testicles
• The testicle should normally feel smooth to the touch. Ridges may be felt because of enlarged blood vessels or tumor growth. Additionally the entire testicle may feel hard and bumpy to the touch.
• Abnormal sensitivity (either numbness or pain)
• loss of sexual activity
• sexual withdrawal
• build-up of fluid in the scrotum
• a dull ache in the lower abdomen or groin
• an increase, or significant decrease, in the size of one testis
• blood in semen
• General weak and tired feeling
• The testicle with a tumor may be severely enlarged, as much as 3 times the original size. Simultaneously the other testicle may be shrunken in size, due to the tumor taking up the majority of the blood supply to the scrotum.
• Other nasty stuff.

Make sure to constantly check your testicles by feeling them for irregularities with your fingers. ... That's right. ... Just feel 'em up ... nice ... Ahem! Uh... Simple vigilance is a big help. The best time to check is after a hot shower, when the scrotum is looser. And what of the female users? No, not even the three of them are safe. It has been proven that even female users can contract testicular cancer. How, you ask? Well, by a miracle of God, the female will grow testicles, that will then become "cancerfied" (or "cancer-ific", if you prefer.)

The only users who are safe from this horrible plague are IP addresses, as they lack testes and the ability to grow any.

Remember kids, no matter how much Dr. Health, Esq. tells you cancer is great, don't believe him.

Oh? ... What's that? ... I said something about dying? ... Oh. ... Well, if one of your testicles was three times bigger than the other and your semen was filled with blood, would you not kill yourself? That's right...

-- REGRETTENENBAUMIS DEAD TALK! 18:54, 29 July 2008 (UTC)

7/30 edition

hey UU, i'm working on a shortish piece about the whorehouse. it should be done in a few hours, you can check it here, and throw it in if you don't think it will churn up too much drama. will that be enough for this week, or should i try to find material for another article? SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 14:57, 30 July 2008 (UTC)

Sayeth UU: a million thanks Gerry! I'm racing against time to do anything today - work = massive stress and it's pre-season training for my team this evening. Anyway, I won't have time to do much more on the USP this week, so when you're done, just slam it in - I trust you to do good stuffs. You could either write something else or pop the above in (possibly edited a little for brevity?) Oh, and a biopic of the week would be good, if you can - they don't have to be awesome - look at the ones I wrote! Let THEDUDEMAN know when it's ready, and go for it. Further thanks, and now I must dash! --UU - natter 15:03, Jul 30