Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnTweets:California Gurl

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UnTweets:California Gurl

The Product of a night of constantly waking up and writing down ideas. My first ever encounter with anything twitter related. For those who are culturally inept: Use this as a guide. ^{Pirate Lord}__Sonic80 (Yell  •  Latest literary excretion) __ 18:00, August 28, 2010 (UTC)

So...

So this is your half-assed review of UnTweets:California Gurl (don't worry, I'm sure someone will do a full-assed review if you ask).

(See additional suggestions below.)

Humour:	8.5	Very funny! Exceedingly fine, fresh & fierce. Consider working in the link at the top (bio?) to insure the "inept" are covered.
Concept:	10	The concept is dead on and quite clever. (Why did they eat the gingerbread man? What do the three of them jumping on marshmallows have to do with anything? Who cares-- irrelevant to your story.)
Prose and formatting:	10	This is as good or better formatted then the other UnTweets which have been featured. I noticed that in some places you lacked upper case, or simple punctuation (apostrophes). (It works for this tweet format, but I just wanted to point it out in case you want to smooth it out.)
Images:	8.5	Spot on. Add "Jello Gurl" or "Jello Girl" to the Jello girl caption somehow. There is room for more images alongside the text; you may want to consider adding at least one: possibly Katty on the cloud, or a group shot with all eight dancers.
Miscellaneous:	9.3	Avg'd your score, via {{Pee}}: 9.3
Final Score:	46.3	I may have scored you to high? Anyway, let me know when you think this is ready & I'll nom it for VFH. See additional suggestions below.
Reviewer:	Cheers!  ~ Avast Matey!!! Happytimes are here!*  (talk) (stalk) Π   ~  ~  25 Oct 2010 ~ 10:40 (UTC)

Suggestions

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• I don't get the Miley Cyrus link joke, but that may just be me. I had to look up "smh" & "hmu;" apparently I'm not hip & with the in-crowd anymore. *sigh*
• Katty's hair doesn't change in the video until the brownie/girl-scout "threeway" so you may want to change the first "blue hair" reference to avoid hair color, and possibly move it closer to the front of the piece (keep it though-- the running joke is good.)
• I'm pretty sure the gummi bear(s) is male, you may want to reconsider "bitch."
• Because you used LAX at the beginning of the article you may want Katty wondering what other areas/towns she is close to when she finds each girl/gingerbread man...? (Hollywood is at one of the bends, bubble girl is at SUNSET BLVD. The pancake stack is the capitol records building. etc.)
• At: "Oh wait! This one isn't!" add "up we go!" ???
• I don't know why, but you may want to add a tweet before "Ahh! A mysterious snapping noise made me drop my giant oversized candy!" Maybe something like "going shopping!"
• Phrasing of: "The number of girls trapped in lollipop wrapping has been surprisingly low here." was a little awkward for me... love the idea, not sure if verbiage flows well. She's supposed to be caramel BTW. (If you like it leave it.)
• After: "@Sn00pyd0gg you can eat my cupcake ;)" is perfect opportunity to have Snoop tweet something back. (Like in the beginning.) Have Snoop tweet a few times at the places he raps in the video/song???
• Maybe at, "I'm willing to try anything once." add ";)" ???
• Split this into two tweets: "Gratuitous cleavage shot, and... fade to black."
• At the end maybe add one additional tweet? Back to LAX or something?