Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnNews:Severe drought in Northeast; damages to local drug industry(resubmit)
UnNews:Severe drought in Northeast; damages to local drug industry[edit]
Well this article was nominated on VFH but didn't make it. Fixed it up a bit and hope to try it on VFH again.
Thanks, GopherKiller Questions? Comments?
14:01, 15 December 2007 (UTC)
Well, I haven't peed in a long while. So here goes!
| Humour: | 6 | 1st paragraph — 8
It starts out good. The paper bags, jab at WalMart, and mention of the mayor were all funny. It conveys the extent to which people were driven crazy by the drought. 2nd paragraph — 4 Okay. Correct me if I'm wrong here, but I think you're still trying to show the ridiculousness of the drought? Unfortunately there's nothing really funny about the farmers here. It sounds very much like dry cause-and-effect. It sounds too real, without enough humor. 3rd paragraph — 6 Here, you start to pick it up again, with Lysol and the nerd parties. Oh, I'd suggest you make "1 to 0 parties per year" even more news-sounding, like, "a 100% decrease from 1 to 0 parties per year". I'd definitely push the angle about what people might be turning to besides drugs. You've already got a good idea with Lysol, what other crazy things would people try? Rolling up paper and lighting it on fire? Getting high off whipped cream? People breaking into stores just to buy something incredibly stupid? People'll use anything for drugs, remember, and I think you could have a lot of fun if you extended this idea. 4th paragraph — 5 Nothing terribly funny. You got a chuckle out of me with the mayor, but that's about it. I'd recommend a stronger ending (see Prose). I'm giving you about a 6 overall. It has a lot of potential, but it needs work and trimming the dead stuff out. |
| Concept: | 10 | The concept's got loads of potential, like what I said for the third paragraph. If you focus on the drugs more, and the farmers less, there's a lot you could get out of this. |
| Prose and formatting: | 7 | It reads very nearly like a news article, but it's not quite there yet. Early on you really point out the jokes, which is something the dry news article doesn't do. For example, the paper bags; it's funny enough that they're carrying water in paper bags, you don't need to point out in the next sentence that water drips out of paper bags. In the third paragraph with the nerds, the joke's a bit too obvious again. I'd recommend cutting out the italics and replacing it with something less direct, for instance, "...for the sole purpose of staring at them and stirring up a feeling of rebellion inside." Obviousness is bad for a news article, so just try to avoid it as best you can. Read through. If something works without an extra sentence to elaborate on it (i.e. the paper bags), let it be. If it doesn't, you might want to reword the joke. The drier and quicker the jokes come, the better it is. |
| Images: | 10 | The images are there, colorful, and relevant. I can't think of any particular picture to add, and they both work fine. |
| Miscellaneous: | 4 | Give this article some more work in the drugs department, and unless there's a joke in the second paragraph, I'd recommend cutting it out. It's not about length, but the quality of the jokes and how evenly they're spaced. I've given you a low misc. score to influence the final score, 'cuz I'm trying to show that this still needs some more work before it can be VFH'd again. |
| Final Score: | 37 | Dude... I want some of that Lysol. |
| Reviewer: | – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 15:49 Dec 16, 2007 | |