Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Become a Master of Disguise (Revised)

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HowTo:Become a Master of Disguise

01:06, February 1, 2011 (UTC)

Oh dang! I just realized this has already been here twice! Sorry. But I still want the review. -- 01:13, February 1, 2011 (UTC)

This still hasn't been reviewed? I got it then. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)   22:55, February 26, 2011 (UTC)

Humour:	5	The main problem with this article is that it doesn't utilize all the humour that is there and many of jokes you do have are run-on sentences that become a bother to read and can get a little confusing, like the sentences about magicians. Let's start from the top: So the introductory paragraphs are alright, they introduce the topic pretty well and make a little joke about the sneezing tree. However, your prose really cuts down on the humour value, but look in the Prose and Format section on how to improve that. Aside from that, not much more I can say about this part. Next up, let's talk about the section of why you should become a master of disguise. I'll list out your points and talk about them: When you become a master of disguise you can disguise not only yourself, but just about anything you put your mind to. ( I don't really see any humour in this sentence. You should either re-write it or just get rid of it, along with the caption you have at the bottom. You say some links are disguised as a Phthalo green, but I don't see any links in that color. Makes the joke seem very pointless.) Sex appeal. (This is kind of funny) Your kids can't find you. (You should probably say "Your kids won't be able to find you, otherwise it's in present tense and that's not what you're going for.) Sex appeal.(Once again, kind of funny) Majority rules! There are about one hundred right now, famous ones too! They still haven't found Elvis...( I don't understand this sentence. What majority? You need to explain this because it takes a while to realize that you're talking about celebrities, or are you? See? I still don't know...) So the main humour in this section is your running joke about sex appeal, and that's about it. You need to either vary about the joke about sex appeal, or expand this section, maybe by giving examples of famous masters of disguise, like inspector Jacques Clouseau from Pink Panther, or something from Monty Python like the 'How Not to Be Seen' skit. I was going to suggest this later, but it looks it could work here too. Just a suggestion of course, but you really should look to expanding the humour in here. Step 1: The first issue of see, is that you repeat your joke in the picture next to the first sentence, about a cheap disguise being see-through. You shouldn't repeat your joke, but instead, re-word this first sentence so that it talks about a cheap disguise being see-through, but isn't worded the exact same way as the caption in the picture. The second issue is your joke about magicians. Your main focus in this section seems to be about magicians, but all your sentences about the magicians are run-on sentences, so the humour is lost. You need to try and minimize the amount of words it takes you get to your joke, like the one about what a magicians day is like. I also didn't understand why a magician would ask for your soul, what would a magician need with someone's soul? You should go more in-depth with that, because you might be able to take that somewhere. Another notion is that you could add another part to this section, maybe by talking about possible ideas for a disguise, or give specific examples of animals or objects that make good disguises. Whatever floats you boat of course. Step 2: So the main joke here is the picture and the clever observation that every disguise needs a zipper or at least has one. You should maybe expand the article by suggesting other possible methods of using your disguise, maybe by saying how velcro is good alternative, although it may cause problems when your disguise sounds like a 5-year fixing his velcro shoes or something. Maybe talk about how buttons are good too. You really need to just expand on your ideas here, because this section appears to be a little short to have any real jokes in it. That's about it, it's a short section, so much iI can say about it. Step 3: One question, what prize are you talking about? Becoming master of disguise? Getting a free cookie? What? You end this article with an unusual exit and it doesn't provide a humourous closer to the article. Maybe you should end it with being like, "And now you're the master of-hey. Wait, where did you go? Dude come on, I haven't finished talking to you. You know what screw it, I ain't playing this game of hide-and-seek with your childish ass. Have fun with your disguise." Or something, you don't have to use that idea, but you should try and use another sentence or idea to end the article, otherwise, it really cuts down on the humour.
Concept:	7.5	It's a good concept, being a master of disguise, so it has a lot of potential to be worthy of the main page. However, in the state that it is in now, it needs a lot of work. Aside from that, the topic is pretty good, although you fail to utilize many of the things associated with being a master of disguise like examples of famous masters in disguise. I go into more detail in the humour section, so look for more advice on the top.
Prose and formatting:	3	The main thing I don't like about this article, is your prose and formatting. First off, your formatting is really messy. Pictures seem to be in random places and make the page seem like a jumbled mess, and the paragraphs aren't aligned very well. I'm not sure how to help you out here, except to tell you work on re-organizing this article and maybe even delete a picture or two if you can't. Your sentences are also a problem, because you have a like of connectors and conjunctions in the article, but instead of using commas or semi-colons, you only use periods where they shouldn't be. "Either way you probably just dismissed it as your mind playing tricks on you, and went on with your day. But that was no regular every day tree sneeze." You should have a comma, not a period before but. Or here, "Either way, all they'll usally ask for in return is your soul. Which is actually a small price to pay for becoming a master of disguise." Since both sentences are talking about the same idea, they shouldn't be broken up, they should have a comma. Otherwise, you have to re-introduce the idea into the next sentence. See what I'm getting at? I hope so, I can't tell if you're nodding or shaking your head. So just re-oraganize your article so that it flows better, and use some commas instead of periods all the time and both of those fixes should really help with the flow of this article and thus, make it a little more funny.
Images:	4.5	So let's go in order. You're first picture is good, although I might suggest saying something like "this 40-year old, one-armed man is a master of disguise," or something to add more the humour that the child isn't at all what you think he is. The second picture, with the 'sexy' guy in disguise, is pretty good, so not much to say here. The third picture, with the see through costume, is ok as well, but as I mentioned before, you shouldn't repeat the joke twice with the caption and that first sentence in the paragraph. Look to fix that and you should be fine. The fourth picture seems really out of place. I'm not sure why you used it since you mainly talk about magicians and disguises, not about demons getting disguises. I would suggest getting rid of this picture, as it will also safe some space and help you re-organize your article. The fifth picture with the he or she with pants is...eh. I would prefer a picture that has someone actually getting into a costume and having trouble with it as it would be more relevant, but this should be fine as well. The sixth picture, with the planet of the apes character is ok, as it is pretty appropriate as well. The seventh picture with the window blinds is our of place as well. It doesn't really have that much to do with disguises, as the person is merely looking through a window. Maybe a more appropriate picture of someone looking suspiciously at someone who is disguised as a tree or something? I'm not sure, it depends on how you decide to change that last sentence.
Miscellaneous:	5.5	Needs work, but there's definitely potential in this article. Most of the issues are just overlapping each other, so I apologize if I appeared redundant in some of my suggestions. Most of the errors are in the humour and format section, so just look to fixing those issues and you should be fine. Not a long article, so not too many comments, but still hope I have helped out a bit.
Final Score:	25.5	So overall, good work. Just work and what I outlined, maybe read over the article again to check for any other mistakes I may have missed and this article should look a lot better. Leave a message on my talk page if you have any questions or comments to make, or to just let me know if you've finished editing it. I'll be more than glad to re-read the article again to see ho you've worked on it. Good luck, hope I could have been of some help to you.
Reviewer:	--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)   22:29, February 27, 2011 (UTC)