UnScripts:The West Wing Season 1 Episode 20: The Bridge Between Our Noses

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[Exterior shot of White House. Cut to Josh Lyman napping facedown on his desk. Donna walks in carrying six boxes of papers.]

Donna: Wake up, lazy ass. [Kicks on Josh's desk]

Josh: [Wakes up to reveal his face is smeared with chocolate ice cream and someone else's vomit.] Wha...?

Donna: Rise and shine, sleepyhead! Did you sleep OK? Can I get you anything?

Josh (Bewildered): Who are you?

Donna: I'm Donnatella Moss, you idiot!

Josh: Who?

Donna: I'm your personal assistant/kind-of girlfriend sometimes. Remember, cutie-pie?

Josh: Oh, yeah, I remember you.

Donna: Glad to hear it. Now get to work or I'll smash your skull. [Slams boxes down on Josh's desk]

Josh: What's this?

Donna: Well, sweetie, these are ramifications to the Proliferation of Abdominal Transgressions Act. Leo needs you to verify them before noon today.

Josh: Why?

Donna: Well, nosy, if you must know, it's so that the Republican Whip can't put enough pressure on the House to hook the poison pill rider on the Foxworthy bill so we can keep Altschuler and Shelton on the Antiquated Delegations Committee.

Josh: ...What does that mean?

Donna: Hell if I know, but Leo said it's important.

Josh [talking directly to camera]: The worst part is, it's even worse in real life.

Donna: Who the hell are you talking to, you lunatic?

Josh: No one. Is there anything else?

Donna: Yes, Donald Trump accused you of being a spy for the Mexican government on FOX this morning.

Josh: That business clown who runs that terrible reality show?

Donna: Duh.

Josh: Man, I'm glad to know we'll never have idiots like that in our government. By the way, why do you keep alternating between being nice and mean to me?

Donna: Oh, silly. This is how our relationship works, remember?

Josh: Oh, right. I forgot.

Donna: That's OK, honey. Just make sure you get that done!

[Donna walks out of Josh's office just as Mandy walks in carrying a baseball bat].

Mandy (to Josh): Hey stupid. [Hits Josh's face really hard with the bat]

Josh: [Looks at Mandy with a visibly broken nose] Ow! What was that for?

Mandy: You know damn well, you Harvard buffoon. We dated once and now I hate you for some reason! [Hits Josh again and walks out]

Josh [turning to camera]: So she can hit me and she's a strong, independent woman, but if I try to hit her, I'm a misogynistic rapist felon?! Both genders should be allowed to injure each other equally! #relationshipabuseequality! #mensrights! Men are the real victi--

[Cut off Josh's line with a cross cut to CJ barging unannounced into Sam's office carrying a paper, where Sam is making out with a picture of Leo's daughter.]

CJ: SAM!!!

[Startled, Sam awkwardly tries to cover up the picture]

"Sapphire? But our "appointment" isn't until five-thir--oh, it's you, CJ."

CJ: Sam, would you please explain to me what the 'hell this is?! [Slams paper down on desk]

Sam: Um...well, uh, that's the, uh, speech I wrote that the President made at the Canadian parliament yesterday.

CJ: Yes, thank you professor. Now what the hell is this?! [CJ flips to the twelfth page and points to a certain passage].

Sam: Oh, um...that's just a typo.

CJ: JUST A TYPO?! Let me read this typo out loud: [Reading] "I personally despise every syrup-sucking, bacon-slicing canuck who dares live above the 49th parallel, and I am deeply appalled by every single one who isn't grateful I haven't yet nuked his godforsaken ice pit of a country out of its misery." Pretty long typo, Don't you think??!!

Sam: Oh, come on, it can't be that bad.

CJ: Oh, really? In direct response to this speech, one of our closest allies has ceased all trade with us, pulled out of NATO, invaded Alaska, and pledged allegiance to North Korea! Exactly what about that isn't that bad?!!

Sam: Canada's done worse things.

Much, much worse.

CJ: Sometimes I think you only exist to make life harder for me. [Starts walking out of office]

Sam: Oh, one more thing.

CJ: What?

Sam: I slept with another prostitute.

CJ: YOU WHAT??!!!!

Sam: I know, I know, I'm sorry, but she offered forty dollars an hour. How could I refuse an offer like that?

CJ: That's the fourth time this month!

Sam: Third.

CJ: Call girls count!

Sam: Oh come on, that's being unfair. [CJ groans and walks out the door].

CJ: I need to tell Mandy about this. [CJ passes Charlie] (To Charlie) Hey, Charlie, have you seen Mandy?

Charlie: Who?

CJ: Mandy.

Charlie: Who's that?

CJ: ...Our media consultant? The one who's been here for, like fifteen episodes?

Charlie:...Heh, good one, CJ. [Charlie walks away. CJ, confused, keeps walking and passes Toby]

CJ (To Toby): Toby, do you know where Mandy went?

Toby (Not stopping): I have no [grumble] idea who you're [mutter] talking about [groan].

CJ: What the hell? [Sees Josh] Josh, I can't find Mandy anywhere. Do you know where she went?

Josh: No, but she left this. [Pulls an object out of his pocket]


[CJ stands catatonic]

Josh: You don't know who Mandy is. We've never had a staff member named Mandy. You're going to star in a CBS sitcom as a drunk who nags her daughter all day.

[CJ Slowly becomes lucid again]

Josh: Are you still looking for Mandy, CJ?

CJ: No. Who's Mandy?

Josh: No one. Now go call your agent.

[CJ leaves]

Josh: [Takes out bloody axe, which he begins cleaning with a rag.] Gooooood. Gooooood....

[Smash cut to Leo walking into the Oval Office, where President Martin Sheen is sitting at his desk]

Sheen: You can go now, Monica. [A woman stands up from behind his desk and scampers out the door] Leo, did you know there are 2500 species of ant?

Leo: Um...no, I didn't know that.

Sheen: Can you believe that? 2500, Leo!

Leo: Yes, well I--

Sheen: 2500!

Leo: Alright, President Martin Sheen, I understand! 2500 species of ant! Now will you tell me what you want to discuss?


Leo: You mean you don't have an issue to discuss?


Leo: So you brought me in here just to tell me a random fact about ants?!

Sheen: Um...maybe?

Leo (To the sky): Dammit Sorkin, why do you write crap like this?!

Sheen: Who are you talking to?

Leo: Uh... no one. [awkwardly looks at camera]

Sheen: Charlie!

[ Charlie Sheen walks in, his nose caked with a white powder]

Charlie Sheen: What, dad? I'm busy!

Martin Sheen: Not you, the other Charlie!

[Charlie Sheen walks out. Denzel Washington Djimon Honsou Charlie from West Wing walks in, his face covered in lipstick marks]

Sheen:...Charlie, have you been kissing my daughter?

Jamie Foxx No, sir.

Sheen: Are you lying to me, Charlie?

Oh God, no, not that daughter.

Zoey (offscreen): Charlie, come back and get what's coming!

Argyle from Die Hard: No, sir.

"I was just protecting her mouth, sir."

Sheen: Well, that's good enough for me. Come with me.

[Smash cut to Martin Sheen and Will Smith standing at night in front of the Washington Monument]

Chris Rock: Uh, sir?

Sheen: Yes, Charlie?

Forrest Whitaker's son: What are we doing here?

Sheen: Nothing, we just need some imagery of a Washington landmark to bookend the episode.

"And to keep the 30- to 40-year-old women who are 70% of this show's audience engaged."

Oh, wait, it's Gus from Psych: Oh, OK, sir.

[Gus from Psych and Sheen both stare straight ahead as dramatic violin music plays. Slow fade to black.]