UnScripts:The O'Finnertys
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The O'Finnertys was a semi-sucessful television series by the History Channel as a response to the popular television series The Sopranos. The O'Finnertys is about the Irish Mafia rather than the Italian Mafia. It ran for six seasons and had a countless number of episodes, with each episode's script being released into the public domain after its premiere. This script, however, was carefully reconstructed by watching the first episode of the O'Finnertys several times over.
| Characters |
|---|
| Donald "Donny" O'Finnerty - Ceann of the MacCollins Crime Family |
| Anne O'Finnerty - Wife of Donny |
| Floyd Meifi - Donny's psychiatrist |
| Christopher "Chris" O'Brien - Donny's Nefu, Runs a speakeasy, Hothead |
| Constantine "Gramps" O'Finnerty Jr. - Aghaidh Ceann of the MacCollins Crime Family. Has emphesyma and is quite old. |
| Sean MacDouglas - Comhairleoir of the crime family. Pulls strings behind Playboy magazine. |
| Patrick "Cashew Pat" Gearailt - Retired executive of Oxi-Clean who used his influence for the MacCollins family. |
| Moya O'Finnerty - Daughter of Donny. Clinical nutcase and general smartass. |
| Donald O'Finnerty Jr. - Son of Donny, slacker and general loser. |
| Roderick "Rod" Doyle - Donny's brother-in-law. Ceann of the Doyle crew under Donny's orders. |
| Ida O'Finnerty - Donny's Older sister. Maid. |
| Ryan Carrick - Psycho boss of a roof tiling business |
Episode #1: Pilot
(Donny is sitting on a chair in the room of Floyd Miefi. Floyd is in a chair opposite of Donny and they are sitting between a table.)
Donny: ...so I'm sitting stabbing a fork into the little bastard's eyeball and he still doesn't give me back me dollar. So I take a lead pipe-
Floyd: Christ, din't you do anythin' else other than kill people in yer youth?! This is prob'ly the fifth story where you jammed a fork into some poor child's eye!
(Floyd throws up in a wastebasket)
Donny: Hey, I thought I was supposed to be fricken psychoanalized 'ere, not watchin' yer ass throw up.
Floyd: Yes, of course. But sears'ly, did ya do anythin' else but kill people in yer youth?
Donny: Well, there is that time where I had sex with-
Floyd: Don't tell me you had sex with another teacher, Donald.
Donny: But this time she was hot!
Floyd: Is there anything else that ya did during yer youth other than have sex and abuse people?
Donny: Hey, what's a kid gotta do when people are pullin' this stupid shit on ya?
Floyd: I dunno, maybe talk like someone rational.
Donny: You callin' me irrational?
Floyd: Well, yes.
Donny: I'll give ya irrational, ya li'l suck up.
(Donny tackles Floyd.)
Donny: Don't fuck with me, pencilneck. I'm pulling money out of my fricken ass just to tell my problems to ya.
Floyd: Okay! Just don't jam a fork into my eyeball! Please?
(Meanwhile in a car, Chris is jammin' while smoking a cigar.)
Chris: I, woke up this mornin. Got myself a gun. Mama said I'd always be the chosen one...
(All of a sudden gunfire bursts and busts through the windsheild.)
Chris: Dude what the fuck? (Takes out 9mm starts shooting)
Sean: I'm fricken sorry dude!
Chris: I'll fricken give you fricken sorry, fricken!
Sean: What's your fricken problem?
Chris: I don't fricken know. Maybe it's because you drove a fricken bullet into my fricken Cadillac!
Sean: That's not a fricken Cadillac that's a fricken Dodge?
Chris: You fricken serious?
Sean: Yeah.
(Chris walks over to his car and inspects it. Sean knocks Chris out with the back of his gun)
Sean: I'll fricken give ya fricken, ya fricken loser.
(Sean walks away from the screen, then pops his head in one last time)
Sean: Fricken.
(Switch scenes. Anne and Moya are having an argument at the O'Finnerty household's kitchen)
Anne: You've got a fricken beautiful Irish name, me lass! Don't degrade yer father's decision!
Moya: Who the fuck is named Moya!?
Anne: I think it was the chick yer father banged that particular night.
Moya: You never loved me and you never will!
Anne: What?
Moya: (crying) I hate you! I'm going to Europe!
Anne: (shouting) Take your fricken pills while you're at it. You're acting all bitchy again.
Moya: Bitchy?
Anne: Yes, and if you acted this way when yer father was around ten minutes ago you would have had a fricken fork in yer eye ten minutes ago!
Moya: I'll give you bitchy!
(Moya takes a chair and throws it at Anne. Switch scenes to the situation with Floyd and Donny)
Floyd: So tell me, did ya ever kiss ya mother with that mouth?
Donny: Well, yes. Do ya think I'm a fricken unloving son of a bitch?
Floyd: (rolling eyes) No. Of course not.
Donny: Good.
Floyd: So tell me what do you think triggered this panic attack of yours?
Donny: It wasn't a panic attack.
Floyd: Really? Then what was it?
Donny: I passed out from drinking seven shots of 200 proof!
Floyd: I'm not talking about last night, Don. I'm talking about several weeks ago.
Donny: Oh, that was the time Jimmy hit me with a baseball bat after-
Floyd: (Hand on head, eyes closed, clearly frustrated) No no no! Not that incident, the one that happened after that one!
Donny: Oh. Well, I don't know what could've triggered it that time.
Floyd: Then tell me what happened that day.
(Flashback sequence starts.)
Donny: (Fading) The day started when I was going to get...
(Donny is in a robe getting the paper. He picks it up, reads a few headlines and goes into his backyard. Several ducks are in his pool)
Donny: Hey you lazy bastards! Get the fuck out of my pool!
(Donny takes his .357 Magnum and starts trying to shoot the ducks. In the process he trips and starts to fall into the pool.)
Donny: God da-
(He hits the water. Moya, her friend, and Anne, look outside. Donny gets out of the water. Moya opens up the sliding glass door.)
Moya: Jesus Christ haven't you embarrassed me enough Dad?
Donny: I'm fricken soakin here! Ya can at least get a towel for yer pops and quit yer bitchin!?
(Moya runs off crying)
Anne: You and yer fricken ducks! This is the fifteenth time you've fell into the pool to shoot the fuckers Donald. When is it going to be enough?
Donny: When they're all swimming in the chlorine tank!
Anne: (Sigh)
(Donny gets dressed, ready for another day at work. The flashback brakes.)
Floyd: Do ya even have a fricken license to do that?
Donny: No, and I don't particularly care. Anyways then I get int...
(The flashback continues. Donny goes to the door, where Donny Jr. is walking through.)
Donny: Happy birthday son.
Don Jr.: Than-
(Donny throws a hook punch to his son in the face. Don Jr. lets out a scream.)
Donny: Get a fricken job. Okay?
(Donny gives his son a noogie and goes out the door to his nefu's new car. The flashback is broken again. Floyd is seen puking into the wastebasket.)
Donny: Christ, can ya go for more than two friggin seconds without throwin up?
Floyd: Sorry. Go on.
(The flashback continues once more. Chris is driving the Lexus and Donny is in the passenger's seat. Chris notices a man crossing the street.)
Chris: Hey, that guy looks familiar.
(They drive past him)
Donny: Hey, back up.
(Chris backs up in the middle of the road. Cars start to honk. Chris sticks his head out the window)
Chris: Hey, shut yer pieholes!
(The man notices Chris and Donny and starts to run. Chris gets out of the car and starts running toward the man)
Man: AAAAA! AAAAAAA!
Donny: Jesus Christ, this is a $60, 000 Lexus he leaves out here! The noiv!
(Donny closes the door and jumps into the drivers seat and starts to chase the man in the car. Chris stops running.)
Man: AAAAA! AAAAAAA!
(Donny runs over the man, hitting him in the leg. He then brakes and gets out of the car going to the man)
Donny: Are ya okay?
Man: Yeah I thin-
(Donny kicks him in the leg)
Man: AAAAA! AAAAAAA!
Donny: Fucking give me back my dollar!
(Donny punches the man several times in the face. Bystanders watch in horror as Chris walks over)
Donny: Fricken $60,000 Lexus you left there!
Chris: Well what the fuck do you expect me to do?
Donny: Have a whack at 'em.
(Chris starts to kick the man)
Man: AAAAA! AAAAAAA!
Donny: That's what happens when you don't give me back my fricken dollar!
Man: Isn't it enough that you gouged my eye out in the 7th grade?
Donny: No. Give me back my fricken dollar.
Man: My wallet is in my left pocket just don't kill me!
Donny: You better be fricken right.
(Donny takes the Man's wallet)
Donny: Oh and Chris...
Chris: What?
(Donny takes out his 357 Magnum and hits it against Chris's head. He is knocked out.)
Donny: That's gonna teach you for fricken leaving the air conditioning on.
(Donny goes to Chris's car. People are staring at him.)
Donny: What are you fucking looking at? Haven't ya seen a man do business before?
(The flashback is interrupted.)
Floyd: Are you going to get to the part where you get pass out soon? (whining) I'm starting to get dry hee-eaves!
(Floyd tries to throw up but he can't)
Donny: Okay. Okay, I'll try to skip to the fricken part where I'm about to get fricken' pass out.
(Scene back to the flashback. It is night time and Chris finally wakes up from being knocked out. He gets up, holding his gun.)
Chris: GOD DAMNIT!
(Chris throws the gun to the ground. Runs to a car in the lot and hotwires it. He starts heading for the O'Finnerty home, gets there and walks to the backyard. He takes a lawn chair and then knocks on the front door. Donny comes and answers the door.)
Donny: What do ya want?
Chris: I've got a fricken present for ya right here.
(Chris hits Donny over the head with the lawn chair. The flashback ends.)
Donny: That was about the time that I was passed out.
Floyd: (sighs) Now, let's go over this again...
(Switch scenes to a street. Chris just woke up from being knocked out. He has his gun in his hand.)
Chris: GOD DAMNIT!
(Chris throws his gun on the ground and runs over to a car that was running.)
Moya: Chris, what are you doin-
Chris: Get the hell out!
(Chris throws Moya into the street and takes her car)
Moya: Oh great, not this again!
Chris: Damnit! That's the last time I'm going to fall for that one, Sean. I'm going to get you, even if I fall for it for the 18th time!
(Chris pulls up to Sean's house and knocks on the door. His gun in his hand. Ryan answers it.)
Ryan: Not tonight, kid.
(Ryan shoots a staple into Chris's head. Chris runs around screaming.)
Ryan: You're welcome.
(Ryan shuts the door. Ida pulls up to the driveway. Constantine is in the passenger's seat. Ida walks out towards the door and sees Chris.)
Ida: Awww suck it up ya wussy! Drive Constantine down to the hospital. He needs another hip replacement.
Chris: Last time you said the the doctors kicked us out.
Ida: Then do a job with Cashew Pat!
Chris: Maybe I will!
(The scenes switch to a later time, where Cashew Pat is talking to Chris)
Pat: Okay, I'll give ya a job. I need ye to go down to the MGM Liquor warehouse down there and get me some good ol' fashion scotch.
Chris: Do I get to kill people?
Pat: Yeah.
Chris: Fricken awesome. But I have to wonder how the hell ya got the name cashew pat.
Pat: Well, I was supposed to hijack a truck full of kegs from Jimmy's General Shit for Bars, Ltd. to a bar. Unfortunately it was full of Cashews instead, so to piss me off I'm called that.
Chris: Oh.
(Awkward Silence)
Chris: Well...let go!
Pat: Right. Oh, and Chris.
Chris: What?
(Episode ends with Chris being hit over the head with a gun. Credits roll. At the end of the credits Chris wakes up.)
Chris: GOD DAMMIT!
(Chris smashes his fist into a desk and hurts himself)
Chris: FRICKEN AE!
(Chris then falls, hitting his head on a metal bar and then knocks himself out again. Show ends.)
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