UnScripts:The Filthy, Dirty News

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It's six o'clock, time for Action-6 News with Leslie Cockgobbler and Dick Ballmuncher. And Fred Dongsucker for the weather. Here's Leslie with tonight's top stories.

The News[edit]

Leslie: Good Evening. First, the headlines:

  • A giant man shits on Philadelphia.
  • An old man shows his soiled anus to a waitress at Olive Garden.
  • A small dog eats a man's balls, chokes and dies.
  • A crippled couple is arrested for fucking on a roller coaster.
  • Jimmy Hoffa has been found alive living with a family of gibbons.
  • The country is dying and God doesn't care.[1]
  • Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has been found unconscious in Iraqi police barracks with goat semen in his hair.

Now the stories behind the headlines: In Philadelphia today, a giant man dropped his huge pants and squatted over Independence Hall, giving everyone a good look a-

(Dick reaches over and grabs Leslie's Script.)

Dick: Fuck You, you cunt, you did the headlines.

Leslie: Lick my asshole, you dimwitted prick. My name comes first on the opening announcement.

Dick: That's because you blew the news director.

Leslie: At least I didn't blow a homeless guy who had the siff.

Dick: Oh yeah? Well, he wouldn't have the siff if you didn't fuck in the dumpster out back.

Leslie: Eat my box.

Dick: Not without a gas mask.

Leslie: Keep fucking with me, Little Dick,[2] and I'll tell your wife about the cub scouts you went down on.

Dick: Leslie, we're acting crazy. Let's put all this petty, personal stuff behind us and act like professionals.

Leslie: Good idea. I agree.

Dick: So, what's up at six o'clock?

Leslie: How the fuck should I know? What am I, a fucking psychic?

Dick: No way! If you were psychic, you would have known you were gonna wind up with labia that hang down like satchel handles.

Leslie: Thanks Dick, that's real clever. By the way, doesn't that get to you? Being called Dick?

Dick: Being Dick is a lot better than being called Dick Licker.

Leslie: Eat shit, raisin balls! I hope you swallow a turd. Well folks, that's it for Action-6 News. Don't miss News at Eleven as Rod Holder will talk about the fact that all teachers are incompetent and interview a nun who's been receiving obscene phone calls from a man who says he wants to chew her bush during a funeral mass.


Action-6 news has been brought to you by First Bank, meeting community needs since 1842. First Bank: Experience Out the Ass.


  1. All people are afraid and everything is getting worse.
  2. His dick is quite small.