UnScripts:The Filthy, Dirty News
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The UnScripts Project
Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.
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Setting[edit]
It's six o'clock, time for Action-6 News with Leslie Cockgobbler and Dick Ballmuncher. And Fred Dongsucker for the weather. Here's Leslie with tonight's top stories.
The News[edit]
Leslie: Good Evening. First, the headlines:
- A giant man shits on Philadelphia.
- An old man shows his soiled anus to a waitress at Olive Garden.
- A small dog eats a man's balls, chokes and dies.
- A crippled couple is arrested for fucking on a roller coaster.
- Jimmy Hoffa has been found alive living with a family of gibbons.
- The country is dying and God doesn't care.[1]
- Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has been found unconscious in Iraqi police barracks with goat semen in his hair.
Now the stories behind the headlines: In Philadelphia today, a giant man dropped his huge pants and squatted over Independence Hall, giving everyone a good look a-
(Dick reaches over and grabs Leslie's Script.)
Dick: Fuck You, you cunt, you did the headlines.
Leslie: Lick my asshole, you dimwitted prick. My name comes first on the opening announcement.
Dick: That's because you blew the news director.
Leslie: At least I didn't blow a homeless guy who had the siff.
Dick: Oh yeah? Well, he wouldn't have the siff if you didn't fuck in the dumpster out back.
Leslie: Eat my box.
Dick: Not without a gas mask.
Leslie: Keep fucking with me, Little Dick,[2] and I'll tell your wife about the cub scouts you went down on.
Dick: Leslie, we're acting crazy. Let's put all this petty, personal stuff behind us and act like professionals.
Leslie: Good idea. I agree.
Dick: So, what's up at six o'clock?
Leslie: How the fuck should I know? What am I, a fucking psychic?
Dick: No way! If you were psychic, you would have known you were gonna wind up with labia that hang down like satchel handles.
Leslie: Thanks Dick, that's real clever. By the way, doesn't that get to you? Being called Dick?
Dick: Being Dick is a lot better than being called Dick Licker.
Leslie: Eat shit, raisin balls! I hope you swallow a turd. Well folks, that's it for Action-6 News. Don't miss News at Eleven as Rod Holder will talk about the fact that all teachers are incompetent and interview a nun who's been receiving obscene phone calls from a man who says he wants to chew her bush during a funeral mass.
Epilogue[edit]
Action-6 news has been brought to you by First Bank, meeting community needs since 1842. First Bank: Experience Out the Ass.