This script art a part of
The UnScripts Project
Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.
Teen Movie is a film by Sylvester Stallone and a guy called Spot Donkey. It speaks of the average teenager's life, that ends up with utterness.
- Canwell - The narrator and main character. He REALLY likes sex. Don't ask why.
- Bob - Canwell's main man.
- Alvin - A nerd who makes a great discovery in sex (Really big and all)
- Lucy - HUMP HUMP HUMP
- Dell - A really douche-y bully who is utterly cheap (duh). A major software company sues him for his nickname
- Elton - Notable for appearing first. He's gayer than you. Odd, eh?
- Lotta - Canwell's geeky girlfriend. Two words. Tiny vagina!!! Had sex with Verne Troyer
- Catherine - A feds officier
- Pointless background characters
- Vince - Also a bloody nerd. Really geeky.
- Kitty - More nerdom. Regardless of the name, he is male.
- Vignetta - Lol, she don't like pie
- Teacher-type persons
- Mr. Frolic - Token Crazy Guy. Teaches Happiness lessons
- Mr. Math Teacher Guy - Token Black Male. Teaches... must I say it?
- Pregnant Kawaii Girls
- Wennie- Asian schoolgirl.
- Yoshi- Asian schoolgirl.
In which we meet the main characters
(Ripty National High School. Recess, people walking.)
Meet Elton, he's gay. And pretty faggy. He's such a faggot, my eyes explode every time I smell him. Don't ask.
ELTON: Hello, Bob.
Here's Bob. Also pretty much a douche. Thankfully, he isn't gay.
BOB: Hey, Elton.
Meet Elton, he... Oh hell.
BOB: Hey Lucy
Lucy, the like of my life, I will hump her to bits and pieces.
LUCY: Hey, Alvin.
Alvin, the nerdabyte geek of the class. He really just sucks. Don't ask why.
DELL: Feed me!!!
Dell, the fat bully person guy. I hate him. He always needs food. ALWAYS!!1
CANWELL: Leave him aloney, baloney!
This is me, Chris Buttz, but I told them my name's Canwell, because my real name sucks. I even told that to my teacher, even my parents.
(Cut to the AV club)
ALVIN: Hello, mere mortals!
VINCE: Hi Alvin.
DELL: (Yells from outside) NNNNERDS!
VINCE: Stupid Dell. May he get sued!
ALVIN: Great idea. Maybe we should call our lawyers.
KITTY: Great idea. (Calls the supreme court)
ALVIN: Now, how are our invénziónes doing?
VINCE: I invented a BOB Outlet, so television can be easier for people named Bob.
KITTY: Yep, Philips doesn't like Bobs. Anyways, my invention is an explosive coffee cup. Don't ask, it already exploded.
ALVIN: Good, good. But I have invented the best! It's "SEX IN A CAN"! It is a drink that easily turns anyone into a sex hound.
VINCE: Oh my god! Marketize!
ALVIN: Yeah, sure
So they made a discovery. It wasn't even Viagra. It never was Viagra.
In which we see Lucy being kidnapped, and napping with Canwell
(Cut to a dark room, with Lucy tied to a chair)
LUCY: Let me go, you perverts!
CANWELL: I'm not afraid I can't let me do... Wait, what did I say?
LUCY: (Kicks Canwell in teh ballz0rs.)
CANWELL: Woots! Ay ay ay!
LUCY: You like that, dontcha? Here's some more!
CANWELL: (Walks away)
LUCY: Damn your intelligence!
BOB: Are you sure this is legal?
LUCY: You think?
CANWELL: And now for the raping.
CANWELL: Um... the rope, Bob?
BOB: Oh, yeah. (Unties Lucy)
LUCY: (Kicks Bob in the balls, although he is behind her) I'm free! (Discovers that there is no exit) Oh my f***************king god!
CANWELL: Here's to the rape!
(Cut to a bed at morning the next day. Canwell and Lucy are sleeping.)
LUCY: That was awesome (Opens her eyes) AAAAAAGH!
CANWELL: Hey, rape victim.
LUCY: (Punches him in the balls, geez, what's up with that?) Die! (Shoots Canwell with breast milk)
CANWELL: Yum! (Drinks the milk.) Yummier.
LUCY: Why aren't you MELTING???
BOB: Hey, I heard- Whoah.
LUCY: (Kicks Bob in the balls, although he is on the other side of the room.)
BOB: WTF? (Faints)
CANWELL: Bob! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
LUCY: Take your penis with you!
LUCY: I don't know! (Leaves the room)
BOB: Fun it was...
In which we see racism, Canwell becoming Hyper-Horny and Bob trying to get him someone to hump.
MR FROLIC: Now, let's all hold hands and kiss each other!
BOB: That's just disgusting!
CANWELL: Run away!
(Everyone panics, the class is trashed)
MR FROLIC: Oh well, maybe another time. (Starts skipping) Zippedy doo dah... Zippedy Ay...
MR. MATH TEACHER GUY: Hello, I'm your new math teacher. Now, where are the books?
CANWELL: They're on the black- I MEAN rack!
MR. MATH TEACHER GUY: Now son, I know I'm black, but that's no reason for us not to love eachother.
(Everyone barfs, even the math teacher)
MR. MATH TEACHER GUY: Okay, that was odd. Now, next week, I want you all to-
(Scene focuses on Alvin and Canwell)
ALVIN: Psst! Meet me at the AV club at recess.
CANWELL: Well, why?
ALVIN: Just do it. And you never saw me. (Uses a smoke screen to evade from the class)
MR. MATH TEACHER GUY: What the- where's Alvin?
CANWELL: He poofed, sir. Now you probably want to nig- I MEAN dig in the files.
(Long pause, cut to AV club)
ALVIN: What I'm about to show you may cause utter retardation at a high radius. It is... SEX IN A CAN!
CANWELL: Woots! What's it do?
ALVIN: It makes your penis vibrate at humiliatingly high speeds. Up to 90,000 vibrations per millisecond.
KITTY: It could even rip apart the very fabric of time and space itself!
CANWELL: Great! Let me! (Grabs the can and drinks it) This is so... familiar! Is this Lucy's breast milk?!
ALVIN: FINE! You guessed it. It is. You see, it started a long time ago when- (Gets hit by a frying pan)
CANWELL: Who cares! Let me try it out!
VINCE: You must wait 24 hours before having sex! Time and space-
(Cut to Canwell's and Bob's cosmic-themed bathroom stall)
CANWELL: I must have sex, now!
BOB: What? With me?!
CANWELL: NO! You have a tiny butt. I must have sex with that woman.
BOB: What woman?
CANWELL: Look... Never mind, just let me get laid.
BOB: Can douche.
CANWELL: And you better get me someone hot. This thing isn't lasting for all year, you know!
(Cut to the lockers)
BOB: So yeah, want to play hostage themed games?
ADELINA: Get lost, freak!
BOB: Oh man, I'm so not lucky. Lucy was way more naive than everyone else in this school.
I didn't know, that if Bob would of gotten me laid, time and space would of been ripped apart.
Where we see Dell being sued, his 'major' acting out and Canwell's girlfriend being too... tiny.
(In the Dell HQ)
DELL: What is with you people? Dell is my nickname, okay?
RIGHTS MANAGER: Wrong! Dell is OUR nickname. If you don't like it, consider yourself sued!
DELL: Sued? How much?
RIGHTS MANAGER: Oh, a little amount I call INFINITY!!!!! Plus tip.
DELL: No way! That's insane!
RIGHTS MANAGER: That's software for you.
DELL: Oh, you don't want to see me angry!
RIGHTS MANAGER: Why? (Starts backing away from Dell. A large beastly shadow is laid on the wall, presumably Dell) Help!
(Cut to the exterior of Dell HQ. A large explosion is seen just at the side of the building. People are running away)
DELLMONSTER: Ha ha ha!
JAPANESE GUY: GODZILLA!
WOMAN: WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT?!
MAN: Really, what is up with that? He CLEARLY isn't Godzilla!
JAPANESE GUY: I know! That's the point!
MAN: How the hell?!
JAPANESE GUY: (Gets crushed)
WOMAN: Praise the lord!
(Cut to an isolated police station, 5 feet away from a road)
POLICE MAN #1: Look at that monster!
POLICE MAN #2: We could kill it, if we found a road to the main street.
POLICE MAN #1: We've been stuck in here for YEARS! Will anyone come to rescue us?
POLICE MAN #2: Look! A man!
MAN: Hello? Anyone?
POLICE STATION: Hey! We're here! Hello?
MAN: Nobody here. (Walks away)
POLICE MAN #1: He didn't see us! God I hate my life!
(Back to the Dellmonster, a group of firemen spray him with water)
DELLMONSTER: No! Water! My only weakness! Purity! (Melts away)
(Zoom in to the firemen.)
VOICEOVER: Yet another victory for the Ripty Fire Department!
DELL'S MOM: I never liked you really!
(Visual of Dell, reduced to a puddle)
DELL'S MOM: (Throw's a cigarette on to Dell. Dell's dry humor and intelligence cause him to burn away in massive flames. It also causes fireworks)
(Cut to Canwell and his geeky girlfriend Lotta, sitting on the edge of a cliff.)
CANWELL: Fireworks at daytime. Hardly romantic.
LOTTA: WANNA HAVE SEX?
CANWELL: Oh my god, of course! You're a girl! I didn't remember that.
(Sex scene again!)
CANWELL: (Takes off his clothes) Okay, ready?
LOTTA: Okay, but a lot of people have... Oh!
CANWELL: Why isn't this working? Agh! Too small!
LOTTA: Hey! Many people have called me "wide".
CANWELL: Yeah, Verne Troyer.
LOTTA: Yes, but then my name was Ranae Shrider.
CANWELL: That explains a lot.
Boring Restaurant Scene
In which Canwell eats pies and gets diabetes somehow.
CANWELL: Ooh, a menu!
VIGNETTA: So, Canwell?
This is Vignetta. He shares the fact that her name and my name don't come up in the American Firefox spellchecker. How odd, don't you think?
VIGNETTA: I was wondering if we could-
CANWELL: They have pie! I need pie!
VIGNETTA: (Uncomfortable) Well, um, I was just wondering if you and me-
CANWELL: No time to talk! Waiter!
WAITER: Yes? Ready to order, I presume?
CANWELL: Yeah, get me 1000 of your best apple pie!
VIGNETTA: Don't you think that's going a little overboard?
CANWELL: Impossible. We're not even at sea!
VIGNETTA: No, I mean like-
CANWELL: (Makes loud munching noises, very annoying)
VIGNETTA: Canwell? Canwell, stop- Canwell?
CANWELL: Aaagh! (Gets a heart attack) Yam!
VIGNETTA: Okay, that's it! (Leaves the restaurant)
(Cut to an ambulance arriving outside the restaurant)
CANWELL: Argh! Help!
(Cut to Canwell's and Bob's secret in-ambulance hiding spot)
BOB: I knew this would come in handy to build a hiding space into an ambulance.
CANWELL: What concerns me more is how this place fits into a whole car.
BOB: It concerns me too. Say, aren't you in massive pain right now?
BOB: Um... right.
CANWELL: So, what about the hot date? What time is it?
BOB: 19 something PM. I didn't find a date yet, but trust me, there will be one. Why do you need a date anyway? Rape again?
CANWELL: Yes, you guessed it.
BOB: Really, why?
CANWELL: My penis. I don't want to talk about it.
BOB: Hemorroids? :(
CANWELL: Nah :P
BOB: Well then what? ;)
CANWELL: Super-fast penis! :D
BOB: Lol! :----D
CANWELL: How do you do that face?
BOB: I don't know.
DOCTOR: Hey? Get back in here!
DOCTOR: Not you, you bloody moron!
CANWELL: Flight! (Jumps thru the window, and runs away)
BOB: Odd, very odd.
DOCTOR: And how did you get here?
BOB: I've wondered that too.
Busted by the feds
In which Bob gets Canwell laid, but with the wrong girl. Also, a black hole opens up.
(Bedroom, Canwell and Catherine are visible)
CANWELL: So, want to have sex?
CATHERINE: Yeah, sure.
CANWELL: (Starts taking his clothes off)
CATHERINE: I didn't mean now!
CANWELL: Oh! When?
CATHERINE: Well (Both sit down on the bed) I was thinking we could talk a little about this. I don't think it will work out with us.
CANWELL: That's horrible! Now sex!
CATHERINE: I mean, really, you're in high school and I'm in college
CANWELL: Oh my god!!! College girl! Okay, now sex.
CATHERINE: I mean-
CANWELL: (Punches Catherine) AMAZING! Now sex! (Starts taking off clothes) Why aren't you stripping already?
CATHERINE: Well, I mean, I haven't had sex before.
(Broken record sound effect. You have got to know that one)
CANWELL: What? Oh well, you have to start some time. Now what school are you from, again?
CATHERINE: Federal School of Bureau and Information.
CANWELL: Sounds oddly familiar.
CATHERINE: FREEZE, FBI!
CANWELL: Oh, that Federal School! Right... FBI?!
CATHERINE: No kidding, pervert!
(Cut to the FBI HQ)
CANWELL: I don't know how this happened!
BOB: I should of known raping was illegal.
CANWELL: You mean you didn't know?
BOB: Well, yeah.
CANWELL: I have go to pee. (Goes to the bathroom)
(Canwell is in the bathroom stall, unseen. Suddenly a flash is seen in the stall)
CANWELL: Whoa! (Runs away)
(Back at Bob)
CANWELL: Bob! Black hole! Pee!
BOB: Yes, somebody forgot to flush, that's no reason-
CANWELL: Time and space ripped apart!
(Cut to the bathroom, everything is getting sucked in the black hole)
CANWELL: This is mad! This is Spartaaaaaaaaaaaa!
BOB: Why did you say that?
CANWELL: I dunno.
Lather, rinse, save the world!!!
In which the world ends. Yay!
CANWELL: Gad! (Places his penis into the black hole) OH YEAH!!!
BOB: Why did you do that?
CANWELL: A great sexy time.
(Canwell is sucked through the black hole)
(Cut to Canwell moving through time and space)
CANWELL: Ah, the world.
(Back at FBI)
ALVIN: Here! (Pees in to the black hole)
BOB: What is wrong with you people?
ALVIN: I don't know.
BOB: Let me! (Poops in to the black hole, causing it to clog)
ALVIN: Uh oh!
(The black hole shuts)
ALVIN: What ever.
(The world asplodes. Alvin and Bob are in a vacuum-shut bathroom stall)
ALVIN: How weird. Now what?
BOB: Nothing. The world is done.
Yoshi: Hey, uh.......
Yoshi: Alvin. Right. Look, I am not bringing my baby into the world with Dell running around.
Alvin: OK. First of all, Yoshi, you've been pregnant for like 3 years. All right. Either have the baby or don't. Second, Dell is going to be away for a long time.
It would of been, except for me. I was placed on to a large island with 72 virgins and infinisex. And then I made this movie.