UnScripts:All Mixed Up

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

This script art a part of

The UnScripts Project

Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.

Main Page | Marlowe of the Month | Requests | The Scripts Collection

All Mixed Up was the name of a hugely unsuccessful film made in the United States during the 90's. The film portrayed a young boy's harrowing departure into addiction of a seemingly benign substance. It was, however, largely rejected by the American media, claiming the movie to be an "insult to the millions of people that suffer addictions in this modern world". However, the few people who actually took the effort to view the movie found it to be "disturbingly hilarious". Despite these people's reactions, the movie only made $83 dollars in theaters. A transcription of the original script is all that remains of this blockbuster flop.


(Act 1, Scene 1)

The young beggar just sitting there, thinking he's so tough. You're not so tough!

Extremely dramatic music starts playing

The screen fades in, showing a teenager of about 18 years. He has long, ragged blond hair, and is walking on the side of the road. He looks very tired, as if he has been through a long and frightful journey. He is begging, holding up a tin can to people, asking for money. He is also eating from a large bag of Chex Mix. A mother and her daughter walk by.

Young beggar: Spare some change ma'm?

Little girl: Mommy, can I give the poor man some money?

Mother (pushing the girl past the beggar): Just ignore him Sarah, he'll only spend the money on more of that horrible (shiver) Chex Mix.

The girl and her mother walk past the young beggar. A man approaches.

Young beggar: Could you spare some change?

The man proceeds to reach into his pocket and take out a twenty dollar bill.

Young beggar (excited): Thanks you good sir! You’re a very kind man!

The man then blows his nose with the bill, and tosses it into the sewer. He walks away.

Freeze camera

Narrator: It was never supposed to be this way…

Screen fades to black, which then proceeds to fade to the title. After the unnecessarily dramatic title sequence, the screen fades in to a scene of an indoor track meet.

(Act 1, Scene 2)

A typical indoor track. Notice the lack of the outside indoors.

3 years earlier

Coach Lantir (yelling): Faster Evan, faster! Don't let the black kid beat you!

We see a boy running in a race, the 300 meter dash. He is racing against several other highschool boys. Evan runs a bit faster as his coach screams, and he slowly passes the black kid. We notice Evan looks like the young beggar from the beginning.

Coach Lantir (yelling): Just a bit harder, Evan, you can do it!

Evan passes the finish line, and wins the race.

Evan (jubilated): IN YOUR FACE BLACK KID!

Black kid cries

(Act 1, Scene 3)

We join Evan at a bike rack outside his local highschool. He and his 3 friends are playing hacky-sack.

Ahmed: Evan, you really suck at hacky-sack.

Evan: Well you're a terrorist.

Ed: He's got you there!

Chris: Shut up guys, I have to show you something.

He opens up his backpack filled with gum wrappers and pieces of trash. He takes out a bag out Chex Mix.

Ed: Sweet man, hook me up with some! (grabs some mix)

Ahmed (grabbing mix): Where'd you score this st(interrupted)

Chris: Shut up terrorist! Evan you want some mix?

Evan: Um, well...

Ed (amazed): You mean you've never taken Chex Mix before?

Evan: No... isn't it dangerous?

Chris: Do you think they'd sell something dangerous in vending machines?

Evan (questioning): Well, I don't know, I've heard stories...

Chris: Nonsense, that's just lies purported by the British! You know they don't even have Chex Mix over there? I found out in a IRC Chat once!

Ahmed: Really?

Ed and Chris stare at Ahmed.

Ahmed (looking at his shoes): Sorry...

Chris: Thats what I thought. Anyway, Chex Mix is wonderful, it's like eating sex, without all the STD's and semen. All the cool kids are doing it.

Ed: Indeed! You do want to be cool, right Evan?

Evan: Um, I guess...

Evan takes the Chex Mix.


Scene fades out

(Act 2, Scene 1)

2 months later

We see Evan at his house, in his bedroom. On his desk he has a blender, a vial of orange Tang, Chex Mix, and a syringe. We see Evan pour the Chex Mix and Tang into the blender, and turn the blender on for a few seconds. Evan then puts the fluid in the syringe, and injects himself in the arm.

Swirly trippy images start flowing across the screen, and the movie is now tinted very brightly, so the colors blur together. Psychedelic music starts playing in the background.

A few minutes pass and we see Evan just sitting on his bed, a smile on his face.

(Act 2, Scene 2)

Teacher: …and thus, 7x is really just 7 x’s, except mathematicians wanted to make it more complicated, so they (interrupted)

Evan: May I go to the bathroom?

Teacher (annoyed): Yes, but only if you (interrupted)

Evan: Thanks!

The boy runs out of the classroom, knocking the teacher over as he does. The teacher grumpily opens a book and writes “Demerit!” next to Evan's name.

Cut to Evan running through the hall. He runs to a vending machine down by the school gym. There is a sign on the machine that says, “Change only”. He flips up the sign, revealing two bags of Chex Mix underneath the glass where the sign previously was.

Evan (entering numbers on the keypad): Common, sweet mix, you’re mine!

The vending machine releases a bag of Chex Mix.

Evan (extremely happy): YES! YES! (leaps in the air) Now for number two…

Evan enters the same digits, and the machine attempts to release a second bag of Chex Mix. However, the bag gets caught on those stupid ring things.

Evan (pounding the machine): NO! NO! I NEED MY MIX FIX!

(Act 2, Scene 3)

We see Evan getting on a bus with his track team. He is stopped by Coach Lantir before he steps on. Lantir take him to the side to talk to him. We see that Evan's eyes are red.

Coach Lantir: Evan, listen, it's no secret what you've been up to. I know you're addicted to Chex Mix.

Evan: (objecting): I'm not addicted, I just really like it!

Coach Lantir: Don't kid yourself big guy. You and I both know it. All I'm saying is, if you lose us the state championship today due to your "problem", I will kick you off the team.

Evan: But, if I lose the championship, the season will be over, so wouldn't kicking me off the team(interrupted)

Coach Lantir: I don't have time to put up with your attitude! Get on the bus.

(Act 2, Scene 4)

Delicious, and definitely more important than winning major sporting events.

The track team arrives at the indoor track. Then unload the bus and begin to warm up. We see Evan talking to his 4x4 relay team, upon which the match depends on.

Evan: Okay guys. The truth is, I was up late last night shooting Chex Mix.

The rest of the 4x4 team look at each other with weird expressions on their faces.

Evan: Anyways, you guys are going to have to step up your game, because I might not be able to carry you through the race.

Guy: First off, we're screwed. Second, why do you always call us you guys? Don't you know our names?

Evan: Sure, I know your name... Willard...

Some guy not named Willard: Asshole.

Coach Lantir: 4x4 team! Get over here, I need you to head over to Dunkin' Donuts for a second.

Evan: But the race starts in 15 minutes!

Coach Lantir glares at Evan.

Evan (grumbling): Fine coach, we'll go get you a mocha latte...

(Act 2, Scene 5)

A normal track event. Note the skin color of the boy in the lead.

Evan and the 4x4 team return from getting Coach Lantir a mocha latte. The race is about to begin.

Coach Lantir (screaming): You idiots! Why the hell are you so late!

Evan (annoyed): Sir, you TOLD us to go get you(interrupted)

Coach Lantir: I don't want to hear any excuses! Go RUN!

Evan: Yes Coach Lantir.

Evan and the 4x4 team head over to the track, where they narrowly make the final call for participants. They head to the track for the start of the race.

Evan sees the black kid from the beginning. The black kid stares him down.

Evan (mumbling): Stupid black kid, being naturally good at track.

The race begins, and That guy not named Willard begins the first 400 meters. He finishes neck and neck with the other racers. Then that other guy on Evan's team runs, and he finishes behind a bit. The third guy on Evan's team runs the second to last leg, and finishes right behind the other participants. He hands the baton to Evan. Evan is running against the black kid.

Evan: Track power, activate!

He begins to run, and accelerates quickly, soon he is neck and neck with the black kid, who is understandably in the lead. As he rounds the final turn, everything begins to turn blurry and hazy. Scared, Evan runs as fast as he can, but then collapses a few meters from the finish. The black kid has won.

Evan passes out

(Act 2, Scene 6)

A school bus. At night.

You know that cool hazy effect in the movies when somebody wakes up after being beaten by the black kid and passing out? Yeah, well, that hazy effect happens as Evan wakes up.

Coach Lantir: Evan, thank god you're alright! My mocha latte didn't have any whipped cream on it.

We see that Evan is laying on the floor of the bus.

Evan: Shouldn't I be in the hospital or something? Or at least in a seat?

Coach Lantir: Only team members and undeniably cool coaches get hospitals and seats. You're off the team.

Evan: God damn it!

(Act 3, Scene 1)

Evan is seated in his class again, a day later. He is sneaking bits and pieces of Chex Mix from a bag, which he is hiding in his sweatshirt pocket. He looks depressed.

Do I really have to say anything?

Teacher: …and thus, E=mc3!

Smart kid: What does that have to do with factoring again?

Teacher: Um, well, it (interrupted)

James: And isn’t it E=mc2?

Chris: And isn’t this history?

Teacher (yelling and pointing at students): DEMERIT! DEMERITS FOR ALL OF YOU!

Evan: Can I use the bathroom?

Teacher (screaming now): DEMERIT! DEMERIT! DEMERIT!

Evan: Yeah, whatever…

He leaves the room, heading down to the vending machine. He buys all the bags in the machine, and sits down on the floor. He eats all 27 bags, before slumping to the ground. He begins to have a "bad trip".

We join Evan during his "bad trip". He is running on an indoor track, once again racing against the black kid. Evan stumbles and as he falls onto the track, realizing it is made of Chex Mix. He continues to fall through the Chex Mix. The delicious breaded pieces and Chex are not enough to sustain his weight. He keeps falling and falling.

Evan wakes up, shivering, with tears in his eyes. He heads back to class.

2 Weeks Later

(Act 3, Scene 2)

The subject matter at hand. It would have made more sense to put this picture near the beginning of the script, but I don't roll that way.

Evan is walking down the hall towards the vending machine. His eyes are bloodshot. As he nears the vending machine, we can see that two cops are unloading something from the vending machine. Evan rushes towards the machine.

Evan: What are you doing?

Aggressive Cop: Confiscating the Chex Mix from this machine.

Evan: Why!?

Typical Fat Cop: General Mills is under investigation for using Chex Mix as a cocaine distribution network, so we're removing all the...

Evan (yelling): You bastards! I need my Chex Mix!

Evan then proceeds to jump at Typical Fat Cop, who is holding several bags of Chex Mix. Evan grabs the Chex Mix and dashes away. However, Aggressive Cop tases Evan in the back as he attempts to run off. Evan falls to the ground.

Evan (mumbling softly): You'll pay for this, Captain Planet...

Evan passes out

Typical Fat Cop: Why did you tase him?

Aggressive Cop: Funnier than chasing after him.

Typical Fat Cop: Good point.

Fade to black. Not as black as the track kid, but still pretty damn black.

(Act 4)

Narrator: 3 weeks later, Evan was out on the streets. He just couldn't handle a world without Chex Mix.

Fade in to the scene from the beginning. So I guess that's a flashback. But the scene at the being was a flashfoward... so this is the original scene? Actually, forget this line ever happened.

Fade in to the scene from the beginning.

A woman and her daughter walk by

Evan: Spare some change ma'm?

Little girl: Mommy, can I give the poor man some money?

Mother (pushing the girl past the beggar): Just ignore him Sarah, he'll only spend the money on more of that horrible (shiver) Chex Mix.

The girl and her mother walk past Evan. A man approaches.

Evan: Could you spare some change?

The man proceeds to reach into his pocket and take out a twenty dollar bill.

Evan (excited): Thanks you good sir! You’re a very kind man!

The man then blows his nose with the bill, and tosses it into the sewer. He walks away.


Man: I just don't like you.

Evan: Oh. Fair enough.


Potatohead aqua.png Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 27 May 2008
This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
Template:FA/27 May 2008