UnScripts:Access Denied Error
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This script art a part of
The UnScripts Project
Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.
Main Page | Marlowe of the Month | Requests | The Scripts Collection
INT. Office - evening
Grandiose introduction of an ordinary USER at its computer, who receives an innocuous call from a certain CALLER, or some such...
Caller
Hello, is User there?User
This is User.Caller
I am calling from the Technical Support Service Center. Your computer is not functioning correctly.User
It is functioning just fine for me. I did not request any service for my computer.Caller
You see, when you surf the internet, your computer gives off error messages. User
You mean the access denied error?Caller
When do you see the access denied error?User
When you try to access my computer.Caller
That is because it has a virus.User
You mean Facebook or Youtube? I access lots of viral content there.Caller
No, no listen to me. You have a virus on your computer, you must get rid of it. User
Okay, what do you want me to do?
(plays spider solitaire)
Caller
First, open the start menu and select Run. If you do not see Run on your start menu, hit Windows key and R at the same time. What program is listed there?User
consent.exe.Caller
You must delete that file. It is a virus.Caller
Ok, go to c:\ User
(continues playing spider solitaire)
You get an "Access Denied" error.Caller
Ok, ok, go to start menu, then folder accessories, then system tools. Open "Control Panel".User
(gets bored of spider solitaire and starts playing minesweeper)
You get an "Access Denied" error.Caller
This virus is very serious. You must open your browser and go to http://myinfectedwebsite.com to download the cure for this virus.User
(continues playing minesweeper)
You get an "Access Denied" error.Caller
All right, all right, shut down and restart your computer.User
(gets tired of playing minesweeper and starts reading Uncyclopedia online)
But why? It is working just fine for me.Caller
But you get Access Denied messages when you try to do anything on your computer! How can you possibly say that it is working correctly?User
I didn't say that *I* got Access Denied messages, I said that You get Access Denied messages. There is a difference, you know.Caller
......! (A click, then a dial tone is heard.)User
And a good evening to you too, sir. (Hangs up the phone.)