UnScripts:A Comedy of Grammaretical Errors
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This script art a part of
The UnScripts Project
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A Comedy of Grammaretical Errors is a play by William Shakespear.
Dramatis Personae[edit]
- Earl - Earl of Earl
- John - worker at a local grocery store
- Mr. Ross - Store manager
- Tony - Restaurant worker
- Goar - The last living Goth
- Jimmy the Postman
- Al Gore
- King Leonidas
Play[edit]
Scene One[edit]
(Scene one begins at Earl Grocery Store)
| Earl: | Tell me again why stock you not the sandwich with the little olive in it? |
|---|---|
| John: | Uhh...dude, this is, like not a restraunt, man. It's not our business to stock them. |
| Earl: | Quite right you are. But still you should do so. |
| John: | Dude, my boss isn't really going to do that. |
| Earl: | Well, now by the orders of the Earl of Earl you shall stock sandwhiches with little olives in them by threat of death. |
| John: | Dude, it's just a sandwich. Just go next door. |
| Earl: | I must speaken with your manager about the issue. |
(John goes to get Mr. Ross from the back of the store.)
| Mr. Ross: | I hear you have a problem with our sandwiches. |
|---|---|
| Earl: | Erm...Yes. Quite. I do not see a sandwich with a little olive sticking out of it. |
| Mr. Ross: | Why don't you buy the olives and some toothpicks- |
| Earl: | I refuse to have anything prepared by myself! My mother is not at home and I cannot rely on her to make a sandwich! |
| Mr. Ross: | Sir, please. Just go next door or buy one of our oliveless sandwhiches for your enjoyment. |
| Earl: | Fine, I will go next door, but I guaruntee you that this establishement will never exist again after I get done with it! |
(Earl leaves, attempting to slam the automatic doors.)
| Mr. Ross: | Do you think he will ever figure out that he holds no real power here in the US? |
|---|---|
| John: | Probably not. |
Scene Two[edit]
(Scene two takes place at the nearby Restaurant which the earl has just walked into)
| Earl: | I wish to be of doing business with you. I require a food that the grocer has no offer of. |
|---|---|
| Tony: | Okay, just have a seat at this table here. |
| (The Earl has a seat) | |
| Tony: | What would you like? |
| Earl: | I would like a coke, and a sandwich with a little olive in it. |
| Tony: | We'll get it right away, sir. |
| Earl: | Now that is more like it! |
| (Tony goes offstage and comes back with a tray carrying a coke and a ham sandwich that contains olives.) | |
| Earl: | I requested a sandwich with a little olive in it, not a sandwich that has olives inserted into it. |
| Tony: | Please take that complaint to our chef Goar, the last living Goth. |
| Earl: | Verily, I shall! |
| (Earl makes his way into the kitchen, where he sees Goar, flipping meat patties with a bloody axe.) | |
| Earl: | Mr. Goar, is it? |
| Goar: | Ja? |
| Earl: | You're sandwich was terrible and I do not like it because you did not insert an olive with a toothpick into it. You inserted olives into the sandwich. |
| Goar: | RAKA! |
| (Goar severs the Earl's head.) | |
| Earl: | I say, that quite hurt old chap. |
| Goar: | Bispehwa ana aithen thena! |
| Earl: | Well, that was quite rude. I'm leaving this establishment. Good day, hun! |
| (The Earl's body starts to look for his head) | |
| Earl: | No no no. I'm right here. |
| (The body eventually finds the head and holds it at the side sort of like a ball) | |
| Earl: | Hmph! |
| (The body turns around and attempts to get out of the kitchen, but hits a wall. Goar laughs.) | |
Scene Three[edit]
(Scene three takes place several weeks later. The Earl's head has been reattached since, and he is attending a presentation of "An Inconvienient Truth" by Al Gore)
| Al Gore: | As you can clearly see by this line going upward at a pretty damn high rate, we are thouroughly fucked. |
|---|---|
| Earl: | Quiteth write. |
| Al Gore: | Earl of Earl, could you just shut the fuck up? That's the fifth time you've interrupted me in a five minute time span! |
| Earl: | No. |
| (Jimmy the Postman sneaks up behind Al Gore, pours gasoline over him and lights him on fire) | |
| Al Gore: | I TOLD YOU WE WERE FUCKED! I'M BURNING ALIVE THANKS TO ALL OF YOU RISING THE CO2 EMISSIONS TO SUCH HIGH LEVELS! |
| Jimmy: | No you blabbering fool! I snuck up behind you and set you on fire! |
| Al Gore: | With your muffler emissions?! |
| Jimmy: | (Smacks head) No! I poured gasoline on you! |
| Al Gore: | .........Okay, folks, as I was saying, if you don't listen to me up here you are only hurtin our planet. |
| Jimmy: | You're on freaking fire and you're still doing this presentation? |
| Al Gore: | Yep. Now I suggest you sit down, sir, and continue listening to this powerpoint I pulled out of my ass. |
| Jimmy: | (Sighs) All right. |
| Al Gore: | That's more like it! |
| (Jimmy sits next to the Earl) | |
| Earl: | You the commoner shalt get the hell away from me. |
| Jimmy: | What? |
| Earl: | (More Stressed) You the commoner shalt get the hell away from me. |
| Jimmy: | Christ, this isn't the Rennissance festival you dolt! Speak in English. |
| Earl: | But thateth would not keep thee in character! |
| Jimmy: | (Irate)What did I just say? |
| Al Gore: | Hey, peanut gallery. Pay attention to me. |
| Jimmy and Earl: | (sighs) |
| King Leonidas: | (revealing himself) Say someone madness? |
| Jimmy: | No! Go away! |
| King Leonidas: | (massively disappointed) Oh. (kicking over a bucket) Sparta. (leaves) |
| Al Gore: | Listen to me! |
| Jimmy: | Screw this, I'm off to home. |
(The Play Ends)