UnScripts:A Comedy of Grammaretical Errors

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Theatrical Poster

A Comedy of Grammaretical Errors is a play by William Shakespear.

Dramatis Personae[edit]

  • Earl - Earl of Earl
  • John - worker at a local grocery store
  • Mr. Ross - Store manager
  • Tony - Restaurant worker
  • Goar - The last living Goth
  • Jimmy the Postman
  • Al Gore
  • King Leonidas


Scene One[edit]

(Scene one begins at Earl Grocery Store)

Earl: Tell me again why stock you not the sandwich with the little olive in it?
John: Uhh...dude, this is, like not a restraunt, man. It's not our business to stock them.
Earl: Quite right you are. But still you should do so.
John: Dude, my boss isn't really going to do that.
Earl: Well, now by the orders of the Earl of Earl you shall stock sandwhiches with little olives in them by threat of death.
John: Dude, it's just a sandwich. Just go next door.
Earl: I must speaken with your manager about the issue.

(John goes to get Mr. Ross from the back of the store.)

No no no!
Mr. Ross: I hear you have a problem with our sandwiches.
Earl: Erm...Yes. Quite. I do not see a sandwich with a little olive sticking out of it.
Mr. Ross: Why don't you buy the olives and some toothpicks-
Earl: I refuse to have anything prepared by myself! My mother is not at home and I cannot rely on her to make a sandwich!
Mr. Ross: Sir, please. Just go next door or buy one of our oliveless sandwhiches for your enjoyment.
Earl: Fine, I will go next door, but I guaruntee you that this establishement will never exist again after I get done with it!

(Earl leaves, attempting to slam the automatic doors.)

Mr. Ross: Do you think he will ever figure out that he holds no real power here in the US?
John: Probably not.

Scene Two[edit]

(Scene two takes place at the nearby Restaurant which the earl has just walked into)

Earl: I wish to be of doing business with you. I require a food that the grocer has no offer of.
Tony: Okay, just have a seat at this table here.
(The Earl has a seat)
Tony: What would you like?
Earl: I would like a coke, and a sandwich with a little olive in it.
Tony: We'll get it right away, sir.
Earl: Now that is more like it!
(Tony goes offstage and comes back with a tray carrying a coke and a ham sandwich that contains olives.)
Earl: I requested a sandwich with a little olive in it, not a sandwich that has olives inserted into it.
Tony: Please take that complaint to our chef Goar, the last living Goth.
Earl: Verily, I shall!
(Earl makes his way into the kitchen, where he sees Goar, flipping meat patties with a bloody axe.)
Earl: Mr. Goar, is it?
Goar: Ja?
Earl: You're sandwich was terrible and I do not like it because you did not insert an olive with a toothpick into it. You inserted olives into the sandwich.
Goar: RAKA!
(Goar severs the Earl's head.)
Earl: I say, that quite hurt old chap.
Goar: Bispehwa ana aithen thena!
Earl: Well, that was quite rude. I'm leaving this establishment. Good day, hun!
(The Earl's body starts to look for his head)
Earl: No no no. I'm right here.
(The body eventually finds the head and holds it at the side sort of like a ball)
Earl: Hmph!
(The body turns around and attempts to get out of the kitchen, but hits a wall. Goar laughs.)

Scene Three[edit]

(Scene three takes place several weeks later. The Earl's head has been reattached since, and he is attending a presentation of "An Inconvienient Truth" by Al Gore)

Al Gore: As you can clearly see by this line going upward at a pretty damn high rate, we are thouroughly fucked.
Earl: Quiteth write.
Al Gore: Earl of Earl, could you just shut the fuck up? That's the fifth time you've interrupted me in a five minute time span!
Earl: No.
(Jimmy the Postman sneaks up behind Al Gore, pours gasoline over him and lights him on fire)
Jimmy: No you blabbering fool! I snuck up behind you and set you on fire!
Al Gore: With your muffler emissions?!
Jimmy: (Smacks head) No! I poured gasoline on you!
Al Gore: .........Okay, folks, as I was saying, if you don't listen to me up here you are only hurtin our planet.
Jimmy: You're on freaking fire and you're still doing this presentation?
Al Gore: Yep. Now I suggest you sit down, sir, and continue listening to this powerpoint I pulled out of my ass.
Jimmy: (Sighs) All right.
Al Gore: That's more like it!
(Jimmy sits next to the Earl)
Earl: You the commoner shalt get the hell away from me.
Jimmy: What?
Earl: (More Stressed) You the commoner shalt get the hell away from me.
Jimmy: Christ, this isn't the Rennissance festival you dolt! Speak in English.
Earl: But thateth would not keep thee in character!
Jimmy: (Irate)What did I just say?
Al Gore: Hey, peanut gallery. Pay attention to me.
Jimmy and Earl: (sighs)
King Leonidas: (revealing himself) Say someone madness?
Jimmy: No! Go away!
King Leonidas: (massively disappointed) Oh. (kicking over a bucket) Sparta. (leaves)
Al Gore: Listen to me!
Jimmy: Screw this, I'm off to home.

(The Play Ends)