UnClassic Film Review:L.A. Confidential

One day each week (right), we at UnClassic Film Review check out what happens to be playing on Turner Classic Movies at 3:00 in the morning that day and review it without having a clue what it is. Our qualification for taking on this task is two-fold: we know nothing about obscure old popular films, and we drink our own urine. We will base our review, which will be thorough and informative, solely on the blurb in the TV listing.

L.A. Confidential (1997)

OK, this might be a spoiler, so close your ears and say "na na na" if you've never seen L.A. Confidential. Turns out, he's Keyser Soze!

And I think this is the "thoughtless little pig".

This week's film is L.A. Confidential, starring Russell Crowe, Kim Basinger, Kevin Spacey, Guy Pearce. It was made in 1997 and directed by Curtis Hanson.

Blurb

Detectives clash while investigating political corruption.

I think I've seen this one before

I haven't seen very many movies that haven't been on TCM at 3:00 a.m., but to tell you the truth, I'm pretty sure I've seen this one.

First, the characters. The main character is a tough gladiator type that punches rugby fans and fires the cheerleaders. Then there's this chick whose ex-husband calls their daughter a "thoughtless little pig" and she tells the whole world about it. Another guy is a ruthless killer posing as a cripple, who falls in love with his teenage son's girlfriend and gets shot by a closeted gay-hating fag. Then there's a third guy^[1] who can't form new memories and lives his life backwards.

As for Kevin Spacey, who plays the cripple, it should be emphatically re-iterated that playing a cripple is the easiest job in Hollywood. However, in this case, the character is faking the handicap, so this mitigates the "dirty little secret" factor by some. Kudos to you, Kev. Plus I don't blame you for the teenager thing. She was hot.

It's hard to believe that a movie about detectives clashing while investigating political corruption doesn't have Clint Eastwood in it, but this cast looks as good as any I guess. I don't really know what other movies they've done, but I'm sure David Straithairn shows up too, because he always does. Oh, and that guy with the talking pig, too. He's fucking everywhere.

Honestly, I can't remember how it all plays out, much less how those and about twelve other impossible-to-follow stories all fit together. Suffice it to say the film is complicated and a little bit dull. But I'll give it a chance tonight - I just picked up a new half-gallon of Breyer's from the gas station convenience store, and I can't let it go to waste.

Conclusion

If it turns out I have seen it before, I'll just turn on a different movie on cable. I think Gladiator is on HBO, or maybe it was American Beauty or something. Also Memento. I heard that one is good.