UnBooks:QUIT, Roman Dog Bird!
The User that Hated Roman Dog Bird is a horror novel by Stephen King. Similar to an earlier novel, IRAQATTACK, this novel focuses on the life of a preteen and his encounters with an Uncyclopedian administrator. It was first published in paperback in 2011. Hardcover copies come out in mid-June.
Ryan sat at his computer. He wasn't that much of a popular boy in the seventh grade. He had some friends. Ryan turned on his computer. The image turned to the Windows XP loading image. He clicked his name, which was the only name there. The picture of some clownfish following larger fish appared, and programs began appearing. He clicked the Internet Explorer icon. It took a few seconds to load. The first thing he did was check his email. He clicked the already saved password on his Yahoo mail, and logged in. There were two emails, both comments from Facebook. He shrugged, and began searching randomly. Right as he was searching "huffing", he came across a link called Kitten Huffing. Clicking it, he discovered a strange site called Uncyclopedia. Ryan looked around the site. He went from article to article snickering to the content of the pages. He then thought to himself, I want to be part of the community too! He then created an article that he thought was funny. He wanted to add some more "funny" content to the article, but it was gone. A bar above it read that someone named Roman Dog Bird had "huffed" it. For a second, he snickered, thinking of the kitten huffing. He recreated the article. Suddenly it happened again. He tried to edit it a third time. Instead of the usual editing layout, there was a notice. "View source", it said, "you have been blocked by the right and honourable Roman Dog Bird for a time period of 1 week for the following reason: Recreating deleted pages". Then he became angry, swearing revenge on that stupid Roman Dog Bird.
He noticed the "Log in/create account" on the upper right. Clicking it, Ryan successfully created a new account called Romandogbirdistheshittiestadminever. He then went to Roman Dog Bird's userpage and left a vile message. Roman Dog Bird was probably some loser or wimp that was in grade six. And according to Ryan, grade sixes were idiots. He then prepared to write some even more mean comments on Roman Dog Bird's userpage. Then the View Source thing came up again. This time it was someone named MrN9000 that blocked him. "What a stupid wanker", thought Ryan, "what kind of a name is MrN9000?" He hated both of them. He then went to bed, swearing revenge on them both.
The following day, he made another account. The second account was titled Ihateuncyclopediafuckyou. Why was this funny site being so mean to him? All he did was recreate his funny page. And get revenge for it. But the stupid admins would pay for it! He went from page to page repeating the message: "I have blanked this page because it is rude. You are suspended from school." Before he got to his fourth page, he was banned again. This time it was some idiot named Lyrithya. "What a stupid name", said Ryan. And this Lyrithya had called him an annoying jerk. Why were these people being so mean?
He was not finished yet. A few days later, he was back with Icreatesockstogetrdogbirdoffuncyclopedia. He went at it again, before MrN9000 banned him again. Why were these people being such idiots? It was that stupid Roman Dog Bird's fault. He went crazy over the next few days, making more and more sockpuppets. All were banned. Grades dropped. He became more interested in getting rid of Roman Dog Bird. He decided to kill Roman Dog Bird and his cronies.
Ryan then created another sock while planning his trip. He had a feud with his friends that school day. He had been yelled at by his parents for not cleaning his room. He decided to go and kill Roman Dog Bird and everyone that banned him or was mean to him. After all, it was the only way Roman Dog Bird would quit. He was about to post again, when he got banned...again. Not only that, but some asshole reverted him. Some guy named Frosty. "I'll kill you last", thought Ryan, as he packed the last of his baseball cards. That night, he escaped from his bedroom window, leaving a note for his parents.
He decided to kill MrN9000 and Lyrithya first, then kill Roman Dog Bird. If he had time, he'd kill Frosty. He boarded the plane. Little did anyone know, he was carrying a weapon. A loaded weapon. A spitball straw. He was very proud of this. He shouted to the elderly man siting next to him, "I'm carrying a weapon!" The plane was stopped and Ryan was yelled at because he was 'lying'. He then got spanked by a hot stewardess (which he found arousing), and was returned to his seat.
Soon after, he arrived in his first destination. Scotland. Which is where Lyrithya lived. However, he didn't know which house Lyrithya lived in. There were a lot of houses in Scotland, but he didn't know which was Lyrithya's. So he went to a street called Barclay Ave. He knocked on the door of the first house. An old lady answered. "Are you Lyrithya?", he asked. The old lady thought he meant 'Liza'. "Why yes, why do you ask?", she responded. Ryan pulled out a nerf gun. The nerf gun had styrofoam pellets inside. The old lady called the police. Ryan decided to kill Lyrithya later; he wanted to go kill MrN900...and then kill the one he hated most.
Ryan took a bus to London. Although he was unsure where MrN9000 lived, he assumed that all bigots lived in London. He looked in the phone book for a Mr. N. There were tons of them. He wasn't sure which one. So he called a lot of them. None of them answered to "MrN9000". He became angry. Where were the fucking admins? Why didn't they say where they were? It would be much easier to kill them. "Screw MrN9000", he thought, "i'm going to go kill Roman Dog Bird".
Unable to log on at home, due to being 4196 miles away, Ryan then walked to a public library,and went on Uncyclopedia. He created another vandal and did the same thing all over again. Roman Dog Bird banned him. Ryan saw this as an opportunity. He then emailed Roman Dog Bird asking where his enemy lived. Ryan got a reply proclaiming, "where you'll never find me". He emailed Roman Dog Bird asking him again. "poooooooooop", was the reply. Then sent a third angry email asking where Roman Dog Bird lived. RDB eventually gave in, and sent his address, telling him that he lived in Baltimore, Maryland. Ryan bought some plane tickets to Baltimore. It was the same airline as last time but he saw no hot stewardesses.
Chapter 7: The Thrilling Conclusion
The plane landed in Baltimore. It was morning. Ryan headed to Dunkin' Donuts for breakfast. He had a coffee and a bre...let's get to the point of the story! After breakfast, Ryan followed the directions Roman Dog Bird gave him in his email. It took the entire day to find the neighbourhood. but eventually Ryan found the street where Roman Dog Bird lived. It was a town house, and it looked to be around 40 years old (it could have been 4,000 years old, but Ryan had long ago flunked on history). There was a Honda parked in the driveway. Ryan rang the doorbell. A man in his early 20's answered the door. He was wearing an AC/DC shirt, and jeans. The man stared down at Ryan and asked "yes, can I help you?" Ryan looked up. This was Roman Dog Bird. "QUIT UNCYCLOPEDIA!", he shouted. Roman Dog Bird stared. This kid had successfully found him. Roman Dog Bird sighed. "Okay", he answered. "Now i'll ki-what?", asked Ryan. "I said I quit Uncyclopedia", he replied back. By now it was getting late. It was already 10 P.M. "Can I stay here with you tonight", asked Ryan. "Umm...sure, I guess so",answered Roman Dog Bird. RDB then turned to set up the rollaway bed.
In the middle of the night, Ryan heard a sound. He tiptoed into RDB's bedroom. Roman Dog Bird was on Uncyclopedia! He hadn't quit! "YOU", shouted Ryan. He brought out his nerf gun. Fortunately Roman Dog Bird also had one. RDB asked Ryan to wait for him to get his nerf gun. He waited for 5 minutes, and then the battle begin. It was a long battle, and after a while it became pretty late. "I'm tired", said Ryan. "Yeah, let's call it a night", responded Roman Dog Bird.
But it wasn't over yet. At 2 in the morning, Ryan went into Roman Dog Bird's room and tried to strangle him. It was a bad time, because Roman Dog Bird was master...uhh...taping. Roman Dog Bird got pissed and was about to call the police. Then the doorbell rang. It was the pizza guy. By chance, the pizza guy was Magic man. Magic man then turned Ryan into a toad. After Magic man left, Roman Dog Bird decided to keep the toad as a pet. He called it Bucky. He put Bucky in a cage with all the other bad toads. After that, Roman Dog Bird went back to bed. But before he could fall asleep, a shot rang out from next door. Some Australian tourist was killed, but nobody cared.
And thus ends the tale of the user that hated Roman Dog Bird.