UnBooks:Great Abridged Literature

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A salesman. Poss. dead? Confirmation needed.

Uncyclomedia and Readers' Slim Pickings Present:

Great Abridged Literature!

“Art for... sake.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Lit.

Death of a Salesman, by Arthur Miller

The novel Great Abridged Literature is also available in paperback.
Salesman: Here you are ma'am.
Woman: Oh, that's very comfortable. Do you have them in a darker brown?
Salesman: Yes, I think that... argh!

Salesman dies of heart attack. Woman looks around surreptitiously.

Woman: Yoink!

Woman takes shoes and runs.

All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque

How quiet can it be when the French trenches won't turn down their stereo? I said HOW QUIET CAN IT BE-

Soldiers Paul Bäumer and Stanislaus "Kat" Katczinsky are on sentry duty in a WWI trench. Shells explode all around them.

Paul: You know, this is actually pretty noisy.
Kat: Yeah, I guess Erich was being ironic.
Paul: I guess. And what sort of middle name is "Maria" anyway?

Paul realizes to his horror that Kat was killed in the last bomb-burst.

Paul: Yoink!

Paul steals Kat's boots, and runs.

The Bridge on the River Kwai by Pierre Boulle

Upper lip courtesy of LipStiff Inc.
Larry: Well, this looks like a nice, shallow place to ford the river.
Sir Alec Guinness, CH, CBE: Ahem.

Sir Alec points to a bridge over the river. Larry smacks his forehead.

Larry: What am I thinking! I'll just use the bridge! Thank you, Obi-Wan!

Larry crosses the bridge. As he reaches the halfway mark, the bridge explodes.

Sir Alec Guinness, CH, CBE: Huh.

Sir Alec walks away quickly, whistling nonchalantly.

A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens

Sydney Carton: It is a far, far better thing I do that I have ever done. It is...

Sidney is suddenly stabbed in the abdomen by Maximilian Robespierre. After a long pause, enter Oliver Twist. Oliver looks around cautiously. Seeing that the coast is clear, he whistles loudly

Oliver: Grub's up, lads!
Carton: What? NOOOOOO!!

The orphans feast upon the dying Carton.

King Lear, by William Shakespeare

Lear: Creeping toward old age, I shall divide in three my kingdom.
Cordelia: That means I get 0.3 recurring?
Lear: All you need is love.
Fool: Love is all you need.
Cordelia: This will all come to nothing.

Trumpets, thunder, bangs and cries of 'Bastard!'. Curtain.

The Hound of the Baskervilles, by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

"Don't Bogart that pipe, Holmes," I declared.
Watson: Then do you truly think that there is nothing to this fanciful tale of a spectral hound?
Holmes: This agency stands flat-footed upon the ground, and there it must remain. The world is big enough for us. No ghosts need apply.

Suddenly, a chupacabra breaks through the window. Watson runs for the exit, but facing him is a sasquatch. The sasquatch holds Watson in place as the chupacabra tears his throat out. Holmes looks on in amazement.

Chupacabra: You want some of this?
Holmes: I'm cool, man.
Chupacabra: LaRouche in 2012!

A Merchant of Venice, by William Shakespeare

Atsa nice-a cannoli!
Merchant: Here'sa you cannolis!
Woman: Thank you. How much is that?
Merchant: Itsa five Euros.

Long pause

Woman: Shouldn't you be dying now?
Merchant: Lady, I don'a die for som runnin' gag. No for five Euros.

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