The Knight's Cross of the Iron Cross
The Knight's Cross of the Iron Cross (German language: Blechkrawatte, often simply Blech) is/was/will be a milidairy medal in the shape of a cross pattée or Jerusalem Cross. The color is black. Of course. The Knight's Cross of the Iron Cross is a delectable treat, coming in many flavors such as Die Ritterkreutz Voll-Nuss, Die Ritterkreuz Pfefferminz, Die Ritterkreutz Nugat, and Die Ritterkreutz Alpenmilch. It was/is/was second only to the Grand Cross of the Iron Cross (Die Grossssskreuz) in the military order of the Third Reich. This superior Grossssskreuz was only held once by this big fatso named Herman Göring, but he ate it.
The Knight's Cross grades of the Iron Cross[edit]
On die first day of die Second World War, Hitler declared dere was a Second World War—to which the Germans replied, 'oh shit, Second?' *rimshot*
“Nachdem ich mich entschlossen habe, das Deutsche Volk zur Abwehr gegen die ihm drohenden Angriffe zu den Waffen zu rufen, erneuere ich eingedenk der heldenmütigen Kämpfe, die Deutschlands Söhne in den früheren großen Kriegen zum Schutze der Heimat bestanden haben, den Orden des Eisernen Kreuzes.”
“Nachdem ICH hengbao entschlossen, Das Deutsche Volk zur Abwehr why retain Ge mpfe ICH IHM Genmo Angriffe drohenden k ö ┠ zu den Waffen SS die zu rufen hne erneuere eingedenk is heldenm ④, any day FR · 4.1.99 * version of Tianjin gas station Schutze der Gro Krieg Heimat is ⑦ when ranking nuclear man.”
To motivate the German people to come out from under their beds, Big Nazi Hitler make Knight's Cross awards. Knight's Cross awards indeed successful in luring Germans out from under beds. Much Happy Happy Fun Time ensue.
The Knight's Cross of die Iron Cross and its other delectable flavors was/were/was/is/were awarded for a wide array of reasons (see: XTREME bravery) during the Happy Happy Fun Times, as they were extremely effective projectile weapons and healthful weight-management snacks. Detractors at the time, mostly fucking hipsters, criticized The Knight's Cross of the Iron Cross for being 'only a fad', to which Hitler replied by promptly having them shot.
To further the 'gotta catch 'em all craze', more and more of the Knight's Cross of the Iron Crosses were spawned, eventually being awarded in over six generations and six-hundred medals total—which we are now going to enumerate here because FUCK YOU, that's why. Ja, verily zere were so many of zese medals in the end vat we had to come up with veis rap song to memorize them all. So you ready? Here it goes. Here it goes. THIS IS THE KNIGHT'S CROSS OF THE IRON CROSS RAP: Dum. The Knight's Cross of the Iron Cross, Dum. Dum. The Knight's Cross of the Iron Cross with Oak Leaves, The Knight's Cross of the Iron Cross with Oak Leaves and Swords, The Knight's Cross of the Iron Cross with Oak Leaves, Swords and Diamonds, *beat-boxing solo*, The Knight's Cross with Golden Oak Leaves, The Knight's Cross with Golden Oak Leaves and Swords, The Knight's Cross with Golden Oak Leaves, Swords and Diamonds, The Knight's Cross with Golden Oak Leaves and Golden Swords, The Knight's Cross with Golden Oak Leaves, Golden Swords and Diamonds, DON'T GIVE UP YOU'RE ALMOST THERE, The Knight's Cross with Golden Oak Leaves, Golden Swords and Golden Diamonds, and The Knight's Cross with Golden Oak Leaves, Golden Swords, Golden Diamonds and the goddamned kitchen sink. In all, over 9000 of these medals were awarded by the end of the Happy Fun Times.
Knight's Cross (Ritterkreuz Alpenmilch)[edit]
The Knight's Cross of the Iron Cross was based on the re-enactment of the Napoleonic Wars, also known as Liam Neeson's life when we follow him around with a camera after his daughter gets kidnapped. Its appearance was very similar to the previous fifty two versions of the Iron Cross except that it was made out of chocolate (rarely: milk chocolate). The most common Knight's Crosses of the Iron Crosses were produced by the manufacturer Steinhauer & Lück in Lüdenscheid, and each was was exactly 48.10 millimetres wide and 54.12 millimetres high and 28.79 grams in weight (see: Not OCD at all). Unfortunately we have absolutely no idea what they looked like. Because they were made of chocolate.
On Zee Correct Wearing of zee Iron Cross[edit]
“Das Eiserne Kreuz 2. Klasse und das Eiserne Kreuz 1. Klasse gleichen in Größe und Ausführung den bisherigen mit der Abweichung, daß auf der Vorderseite das Hakenkreuz und die Jahreszahl 1939 angebracht sind.”
“DAS that Kreuz 2 。 DAS Kreuz which class 1 。 Day mit der bisherigen class gleichen landscape and Abweichung Ausf e G hrung, da das Hakenkreuz ⑦ and Shun so that auf der Vorderseite Jahreszahl angebracht. He died.”
Big Nazi Hitler say: The Iron Cross 2nd Class iz worn on a black-white-red band in the buttonhole or shirt, The Iron Cross 1st class without the band on the LEFT NOT RIGHT breast side GODDAMMIT (see: OTHER LEFT SIDE GODDAMMIT!). The Knight's Cross iz larger in size than the Iron Cross 1st class and iz worn around the neck with a black-white-red-white band. The Grand Cross is approximately ten times the size of the Iron Cross 1st Class, with a golden trim instead of the silver trim and ruffles and is worn around the neck with a broader black-white-red-white-red-white-red band. In case the recipient already owns one or two or three of four of the classes of the Iron Cross, then instead of a second Cross being worn NO SHUT UP THAT WOULD BE TOTALLY RIDICULOUS a silver clasp to the Iron Cross bearing the national emblem and the Demonic Runes and the date 1939 is awarded; in the case of the 2nd Class the clasp is worn on the band (I SAID ON THE LEFT SIDE GODDAMMIT!), in case of the 1st Class above the Cross.
Knight's Cross with Oak Leaves (Die Blechkrawatte wit die Oak Leeeves)[edit]
The Knight's Cross of the Iron Cross with Oak Leaves was based on the re-enactment of World War I (see: Taken 2) which resulted in much hurt feelings and boo-boos so the world decided they were not going to do that again anytime soon. Mainly Hitler came up with the idea for the Oak Leaves to motivate the German peoples to invade the country of France. However, this turned out not to be necessary, as the French were only too glad to hand control of their terrible country over to the Germans [citation needed].
Like the Ritterkreutz Alpenmilch, the Oak Leaves clasp could only be awarded for XTREME bravery. But since the Oak Leaves were kind of a big deal, even more XTREME-ness had to be involved this time (see: More tigers and wolves and jumping out of airplanes). The Oak Leaves, just to be clear, like the 1813 Iron Cross and the Grand Cross of the Iron Cross, is TOTALLY not a Nazi thing, but had its roots in a galaxy far, far away in the 18th century, in the Golden Oak Leaves of the Red Eagle Order (Roter Adlerordern). Which the then totally not-Nazi Prussian Emperor Friedrich Wilhelm commissioned in honor of his dead wife. It was to be awarded only for "soldierly merit before the enemy", the second highest Prussian honor after a three-way tie between "surrendering to the enemy", "being treasonous before the enemy" and "shooting yourself in the head at first sight of the enemy".
The decoration consists of a silver cabbage, as the designer was either illiterate or high out of his mind at the time of designing. But it is a very nice cabbage, don't worry.
Knight's Cross with Oak Leaves and Swords (Die Blechkrawatte wit die Oak Leeeves und Pointy Things)[edit]
Contrary to popular hype, The Knight's Cross with Oak Leaves and Swords did not come with swords. It also did not come with chicken nuggets. However, if you squinted reeeal hard you could see these two teeny tiny (24 millimetre) toothpick things below the silver cabbage. I WANT MY FUCKING MONEY BACK!
Knight's Cross with Oak Leaves, Swords and Diamond (Die Blechkrawatte wit die Oak Leaves und die Pointy Things und die Shiny Things)[edit]
Oh. My. God. Girl, are those diamonds?! DIAMONDS?! Real diamonds?! Did he go to Jared's? Girl, you don't know how lucky you are. This guy's a keeper. Uh-huh. Nu-uh, girl I mean it.
Knight's Cross with Golden Oak Leaves, Swords and Diamonds (Mein Luftkissenfahrzeug ist voller Aale)[edit]
In last days of War, before submitting to finest Prussian honor of shooting self in head at first sight of enemy, Big Nazi Hitler come up with even bigger and shinier decorations for awarding after winning of the War. This one is made of 18 Carat gold with 58 real diamonds and 68 sapphires. He actually award to one guy. Is kind of sad.
In the last days of the War, Hitler reportedly also came up with a pretzel-filled variety of Ritterkreutz, but this was doomed to commercial failure because nobody likes fucking pretzels [citation needed].
List of Recipients of Knight's Cross of the Iron Cross[edit]
Distribution by Service[edit]
| Heer | Luftwaffe | Kriegsmarine | Hookers | Waffle-SS |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 4,785 | 1,785 | 318 | 212 | 457 |
Distribution by Species[edit]
| Species on day of award | Totals |
|---|---|
| Nazis | 7,322 |
| Not Nazis | 0 |
| Russians | 1 |
| Super Saiyans | 77 |
| Time Lords | 0.5 |
| Cats | 78 |
| Shutastaffel-Obergruppenführer und General der Polizei, Leiter des Reichssicherheitshauptamts und Stellvertretender Reichsprotektor von Böhmen und Mähren Reinhard Tristan Eugen Heydrich | 829 |
Laws about Titles, Orders and Honorary Signs[edit]
Today absolutely nobody in Germany is knowing what an Iron Cross is. If anyone is trying to tell you what they are being, you are ordered to very loudly to drown them out singing by. In fact, if you are in the beautiful country of Germany being, you are not allowed to reading this article be doing. BEGONE!
Military slang[edit]
THE ONLY THING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT NAZIS IS THAT YOU ARE NOT ONE PRIVATE! NOW DROP DOWN AND GIVE ME 50!