The Great Bunny of Christ's Resurrection
“"This is my doctrine, my scripture, my manifesto. This is the undeniable truth that will lead us to Bunny Heaven."”
“"Well, you see, it's kinda like this..."”
Billions of Years Ago
It all started 981,234,767,821,456,127,894,374 billion years ago, before the universe existed. The Great Bunny of Christ's Resurrection decided he was hungry, and also that he needed to lay an egg. Because although regular bunnies (especially male ones) don't do that, Great Bunnies of Christ's Resurrection do. They pretty much do whatever they want.
So first, he ate a Snickers bar, and then he laid an egg, and then he basically got bored. So he put lots of little "people-things" on the egg, because they're stupid and tend to blow each other up. (Fun to watch.) He named it... "Earth."
2,000 Years Ago, 1:15 AM
Roughly 81,423,764,812,336,481 billion years later, Christ died, so the Great Bunny of Christ's Resurrection, finally understanding what his name actually meant, resurrected him. And then promptly died. Because that's what Great Bunnies of Christ's Resurrection do. They die.
But first, he laid lots more eggs.
And now, Christ is out in his faster-than-light spaceship trying to find them - it's like an interstellar Easter Egg Hunt. And all he has brought with him is Snickers bars, in honor of his friend the late Great Bunny of Christ's Resurrection. And so, every year on this day, the day of the death of the late Great Bunny of Christ's Resurrection, we go around and help Christ in his interstellar search for giant bunny eggs, as well as eat Snickers bars to honor the poor dead bunny rabbit.
Last Night, 2:35 AM
We also construct shrines to the bunny out of chocolate, his favorite food, and bite their heads off, because actually this bunny wabbit was an extremewy mean and nasty bunny wabbit. He was like... the late evil Great Bunny of Christ's Resurrection, or something. And these chocolate bunnies are like... voodoo dolls. Even though he's dead.
Anyway, one day Christ was bored in his spaceship, and decided he wanted some company, so he sent a UFO down to earth to pick up Elvis - because everyone knows that in his free time, Elvis was a great supporter of Easter Egg hunting. So that's where he is. And whenever Christ and Elvis do find the egg laid by the late evil Great Bunny of Christ's Resurrection, they're going to populate it with lots of new funny-looking people, since we're going to blow up the egg they named "Earth" any day now. And then they'll use the interstellar spaceship like a faster-than-light Noah's Ark, and we will all go live on the great Egg of Wondrous Magic Easterness, and that will be like... yeah.