The Fear

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“C'mon c'mon 'cmon where are you man.”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Fear

The Fear can sometimes push people over the edge.

The Fear (not to be confused with the ph33r) is the curious mixture of feelings you get when waiting on a street corner for your dealer to arrive. Though the exact scenario often differs, the combination of emotions is often about the same. The Fear, once a quasi-mythical element of drug subculture, is now a well-documented sociological phenomenon, thanks to science.

Fear Rating[edit]

The Fear Rating of a particular episode is a mathematical breakdown of the various factors which increase, or otherwise, the Fear Rating in a given drug purchase operation according to a complex, made-up mathematical formula:

Below is a list of these factors. This list, while not exhaustive, comprises the primary reasons why you may be bricking it on a street corner, pranging out with £60 in your back pocket. Or not, what the hell.

  • Time of Day. In general, the less sensible the hour, the higher the Fear Rating.
  • Dodginess of Area. This is important. Waiting in your kitchen for you mate to arrive with your shit is not the same as standing outside Brixton Tube Station for this guy who you've heard can get anything you want but for fuck's sake don't stare at his hideous facial scars or he'll cut you.
  • Familiarity of Dealer. Is it a guy you went to school with, or a gangsta who doesn't bother to conceal his flick knife and looks at you like you shagged his sister and never called her?
  • Uppers and downers. Buying shit after smoking yourself silly = really fucking scary. Buying shit after taking a load of pills = really fucking silly. Buying shit on kittens = really fucking furry.
  • Volume of illegality of shit. Ten bag of soap bar or Kilo of The World's Most Powerful Drug?

Emotional Breakdown[edit]

A scientific, mathematical, cellular, modular, interactivodular bananular graphic about The Fear.

Drugnologists have used mathematics to work out that The Fear is composed of the following mix of Base Sensations.

  • Apprehension
  • Anticipation
  • Exhilaration
  • Sheer Fucking Terror
  • The Need To Pee (optional, debilitating)
  • Arousal

The last one might be just me.

Ultimate Fear[edit]

It is considered impossible to attain a 'perfect' Fear Rating, which is referred to as 'Ultimate Fear'. Only when all the following criteria are met can the scariest fucking deal ever be considered to have taken place.

  • Time: 4.30a.m.
  • Location: Kilburn Grange Park, North West London
  • Uppers Consumed: 2 scuzzy pills, nine hours earlier. 2 lines of coke, three hours earlier.
  • Downers Consumed: half a tabby kitten
  • Familiarity of Dealer: The scariest dealer in the world is Darth Vader. If he tells you it's good shit, you don't fucking argue okay?
  • Volume and illegality of shit: To attain Ultimate Fear, you would need to be buying 12 lbs of Biblical Literalism. This would have a street value equivalent to the combined wealth of the USA, the UK, The United Federation of Planets, and Oprah.

Note: Drugnologists theorise that if this deal were to take place, you would be so pranged and paranoid you would probably a splode.