The Aristocrats: Deleted Scenes

The Aristocrats, the Deleted Scenes

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Released in 2005 and starring comedians such as George Carlin and Billy the Mime, The Aristocrats was a box-office hit, partially due to its sophisticated nature. Throughout the years, the film has been beloved by audiences around the world, both young and old. However, no movie is complete without deleted scenes, and now, for the first time ever, all five rejected comedians' acts are available for your viewing pleasure, so sit back, relax, and enjoy The Aristocrats, the Deleted Scenes.

Jeff Foxworthy

"If you look like this, you might be an aristocrat."

If you lost your virginity before you could talk, you might be an aristocrat.
If you have a foreskin, but no penis, you might be an aristocrat.
If you wipe your ass with another part of your body, you might be an aristocrat.
If you masturbate to live-action bestiality involving your parents, you might be an aristocrat.
If you eat human eggs for breakfast, you might be an aristocrat.
If you ever used a dildo to lubricate a dog's vagina, you might be an aristocrat.
If you don't use a condom because dead people can't get pregnant, you might be an aristocrat.
If you thought that The Human Centipede was a biography on your parents, you might be an aristocrat.

Jeff Dunham

"With enough lubricant, this green guy can fit in a whole lot of places."

Jeff: So Achmed, what kind of jokes are popular in the Taliban?
Achmed: Did you hear the one about the man who tried to steal a Jew's penny?
Jeff: No.
Achmed: The Jew killed the man!
Jeff: Achmed, you can't tell jokes like that. I don't want anyone to get offended.
Peanut: Then you'd better put a bag over your head, Jeff-fa-fa.
Achmed: Okay, I have another joke. A family walks into a talent agency. There's a mom, a dad, a daughter, a son, a dog, and a cute, adorable baby. The dad says, "We've got the most amazing family act that you have to see." So the man grabs his wife, rips off her skirt and chops off her ass cheeks with a chainsaw while the son takes a big shit in her mouth.
Walter: That would be nice.
Jeff: Achmed, this joke is even more offensive than the last one.
Achmed: But I left out the part with the Catholic priest and the little boy.
José Jalapeño: Would you like to see my steek?
Achmed: Silence! I kill you.
Peanut: Hey, Jeff-fa-fa.
Jeff: What?
Peanut: You're gay.
Jeff: The Aristocrats, everybody!

Rodney Dangerfield

"There's a reason why I sweat so much."

I tell ya, I’m alright now but last week, I was in rough shape, ya know?

Last week, the kids tried to shove a live kitten into my asshole. Then, my wife tried to eat it.

I tell ya, my wife, she can’t cook. When I was roasting our daughter, she burned the gravy.

And we got no sex life, either. Me and my wife like to talk after sex, so we stopped putting cockrings on the children and had a conversation.

I mean it, that’s the story of my life, no respect. I don’t get no respect.

When I used to play hide and seek, the dog ejaculated in my face while licking the baby’s vagina. No respect, I tell ya.

When the talent agent asked me what it was called, I said, “The Aristocrats,” and he said, “You’re ugly.”

No respect...

The Bible

"You should've seen what I did to this lamb!"

Jesus went into a clearing and he did see a shepherd in the distance

And Jesus did approach that shepherd

And he did find that the shepherd was masturbating on top of a young boy

And it was good

And the Lord did send down two virgins

And the shepherd did rape them with cucumbers

And he did strike upon the virgins with the shattered bones of a partially devoured infant

And the virgins did die

And the shepherd did indulge in the act of necrophilia

And Jesus did say onto the Lord, "What doest thou call this?"

And the Lord did respond, "The Aristocrats."

~ Psalms 69:13

James Joyce

"penis penis jafl;ja;lkfdj;lasfjl;kajfl;a"

Once a frenchman Ferachio kazoku erochika (sacret dildos)... He danced a merry iffle con vagina all the two bees, oars, knots, two bees. When the fall of afjdlafjlksafjdldasjflkjafljdafsbfewbhgvydgvakhfvauupiga was erotic, incest insued or possibly hirtollosis of the nipples (forgin marn). Little daughter virginity NOOOOOOOOOOO! Daddy fwime her vah jay en weewee jah. Sixty nuns mangiare un cazzo tutti il giorno of his daughter’s hippterrop along the Ganges (not the Khan of Ghengis) for southeast triffle no of Mongols and condoms. A pyre, of adam and eve, of yeomrelodlc sheottjuzlgj faaaaaaaaa! Burned the fire and feces of dotgre eight babies. Gigantic was the foo, g anus oozing eraminup form her deelcut tongue. Perplested was fizting, teh figures in arse, of ehehehehemamamamamnaflajflajfioeccemqqftoga shipple cunt. Alas poor your dick, i knew cum herateio. Oh cocks with the animals foks with the animals. Penis necro feel me up and un non molto agent of talent or non replied ghisto oh mah wat akt. Why no a gister, not only his ptgetrifer but his chillycumoskupjfter oh the reply: Aristocrats,