Stephen Wolfram
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“I once bet him a million dollars I could predict the outcome of two hundred coin flips. I got about half of them right. He still hasn't paid up and its been almost ... a long time.”
This article is about the British physicist, mathematician, visionary, commentator, computer scientist, software developer, enfant terrible, prognosticator, promoter, raconteur, knowledge engineer, entrepreneur, community organizer, polymath, author, wolf rammer and businessman Stephen Wolfram, widely regarded as the most important innovator in scientific and technical computing today, as well as one of the world's most original research scientists.
At the ripe old age of first trimester, the British physicist, mathematician, author, wolf rammer and businessman Stephen Wolfram became interested in a certain problem pertaining to the optimum way of drawing a series of Pascal's Triangles on an infinite number of chess boards. In the mind of the young enfant terrible and polymath, a plan crystallized to save all humanity, involving a time machine, a nutty conspiracy theory and the game of life.
(You see, the game of life is called as such because it is the bringer of life, not death. If you are against the game of life, you are against life itself. That makes you a time pirate! and if there is one thing the British physicist, mathematician, author, wolf rammer and businessman Stephen Wolfram hates, it is the scientific establishment. Also time pirates.)
A Brief History of Time (or Stephen Wolfram's auto biography)[edit]
In the Beginning/Future[edit]
In the year 14,0568 A.C. a man discovered the secret to eternal bliss. Being overwhelmed with his invention, he decided to travel back in time to tell the people of the 20th century exactly what this secret was so that maybe the future of Earth could be one full of nothing but flowers and sunshine. That secret was Cellular Automata, and that man was the British physicist, mathematician, author, wolf rammer and businessman Stephen Wolfram. Unfortunately, his brain nanites malfunctioned, increasing his ego by 450% while decreasing his brevity to nil. Since his arrival in the 20th century, he has taken 20 years to write one book.
Conspiracy to destroy Stephen Wolfram[edit]
In spite of his overwhelming genius and suave mannerisms, the British physicist, mathematician, visionary, author, wolf rammer and businessman Stephen Wolfram faces overwhelming resistance to his majestic ideas. Many in the so called "field of science" claim that he is stupid and should shut up. The raconteur, knowledge engineer, entrepreneur and community organizer Stephen Wolfram denies that he is stupid and continues to violate the "shut up" order placed upon him by the scientific community. Currently he is being ignored as much an humanly possible by those who think they know more than he does.
Stephen Wolfram invented Mathematica[edit]
Mathematica is a brilliant tool by the British physicist, mathematician, visionary, computer scientist, software developer, knowledge engineer, entrepreneur and businessman Stephen Wolfram, that allows you to easily manipulate complicated mathmatical formulas into easy to understand code. In short: it's complicated, and too expensive for most people, unless you want to be a l33t 5c13nt1st and get a pirated copy (the British physicist, mathematician, author, wolf rammer and businessman Stephen Wolfram wrote the crack himself when he realized that he could not afford a copy).
Cellular Automata allow only local effects, you numbnuts![edit]
In the game of life, if one square is black or some shit, then that only affects the squares directly adjacent. Like a billion years ago, Bell proved that physics (specifically entanglement) had to be non-local. Not one to be deterred by spurious logic, the British physicist, mathematician, visionary, commentator, promoter, author, wolf rammer and businessman Stephen Wolfram claimed that Bell had fallen under the influence of the Masons division of the We Hate Stephen Wolfram brigade (see everyone), a good 14,0300 years before the British physicist, mathematician, author, wolf rammer and businessman Stephen Wolfram was even born.
Quotes[edit]
“Men occasionally stumble over Stephen's work, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.”
“I always knew that all effects were local. That Bell fuck-up apparently "proved" otherwise, but then along comes this Stephen Wolfram dude. Score one for team relativity!”
“You see? Physics!”
“Rocks are computationally equivalent to humans.”
“Stephen Wolfram is the creator of Mathematica and is widely regarded as the most important innovator in scientific and technical computing today.”
“If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.”
“It has been proven that the universe is computationally equivalent to my ego.”