Quantum entanglement

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Quantum entanglement is a common but often misunderstood phenomenon that involves large balls of yarn and kittens. It is the bane of old ladies everywhere. It is known to be the cause of the Quantum Teleportation of socks from washing machines and dryers. Scientists are currently studying Quantum Entanglement in an attempt to conserve our matching sock supply.

Quantum entanglement is the cause of quantum unemployment.

How quantum entanglement works[edit]

A ball of yarn is known to be quantumly entangled with itself after remaining motionless for a period of less than an hour but more than a minute. A ball of yarn will not become quantumly entangled with any other object unless it has interacted with an enraged kitten for some arbitrary period. Kittens that are sufficiently enraged may loop the string through the "rolled-up" extra dimensions, warping physical relationships in the world we know. In particular, gravity and electromagnetism may have a greater effect since their range is reduced by following a string which may have a shorter arc length than the pathway in reality. Dangers may include increased attraction to otherwise disturbingly unattractive members of the opposite sex (the pheromones can use the string pathway through the extra dimensions), and spontaneous lethal compression of the head (magnitude of gravity multiplied as the entanglement may cause an apparent mass increase in the subject).

The formula for quantium entanglement is as follows: . The cyclic nature of this formula has caused no less than three imaginary physicists to go completely and utterly insane. The entanglement constant, k, is a function of an objects real and imaginary history, describing its propensity to be entangled. N is the number of kittens.


Quantum entanglement was first observed by Noodle-Head Wilson in 1903. Entangled states of yarn have been regularly created in the high-energy collisions of yarnballs, kittens, and antikittens ever since. The kittens may be, or may not be, both at the same time, the offspring of Shredinger's cat. (This may or may not be the same person as Shroedinger. The wave-function collapses to Shredinger if balls of yarn are involved). As of 2005, three levels of quantum entanglement are known.

Experiments for the reader[edit]

While most scientists support the standard yarn-kitten-antikitten model, recent evidence from the Large Kitten Collider has revealed gaps in scientists' understanding. Given any ordered coil of yarn left with a kitten, entropy and general clumpiness accelerates. These findings have been reproduced in outer space and inside a volcano. Some scientists postulate that there is something inherent to the kitten that can affect bodies at a distance, while others speculate the unknown attribute may reside within the yarn. To put an end to these speculations, the famous blimp maker Heisenberg fixed an observing camera upon a kitten, who was itself able to peer upon a ball of yarn from a platform surrounded by soapy warm bathtubs. Curiously, as soon as Heisenberg switched on the camera, his kitten, his yarn, and his beloved dirigible spontaneously combusted in a fiery and majestic spectacle, ending an experiment that humorless men in white coats would meticulously repeat over the next years.

The reader may also wish to use entangled yarn to produce several sets of matching socks. Washing these socks will result in a disappearance of a proportion of them, where only one half of each sock pair may disappear. This is a result of QMD, and be prevented by entangling both socks in a pair. This will raise their respective Murphy charges to the point where they begin to behave as a single entity, with a very low subjective convienience.

If two entangled Schrodinger's cats (one alive and the other dead) are allowed to play with the socks while they are washed, an interesting effect occurs: Not only do the socks survive (a bit tattered), but an autopsy of the dead cat often reveals other lost socks. Neither cat disappears, as it is less convenient for either cat to be there than not. That is, worse to have a live cat in the wash than no cat, and worse to have a dead cat in it than just washing. And the only thing worse than having a live cat and a dead cat in the washing machine is to find out about it a week later.