The Space Clown cult is the oldest religious cult in the world. Their religion is based on several books. Space Clown cultists believe in two Space Clowns, one good and one evil, which created the universe from nothing. Circuses and rounded objects similar to clown noses used to be sacred in this religion. They also believe in an end of the world, after which only 1024 people will survive, and these will go to the Eternal Space Circus.
The Book of Beginning
At first there was nothing but the two Space Clowns, the Good one and the Evil one. They were always and everywhere. One day they conked each other forehead to forehead, and sparks flied when ben said " i want to grabit, Thats what i want".
From those sparks came galaxies, stars and planets, including Earth. The Space Clowns looked to the space objects and noticed that all they looked similar to their noses: they were rounded.ben spanked them all very hard with his pin dick., The Space Clowns liked that.
Then they decided to populate the Earth.
The Space Clowns allowed Adolph to walk with his dog anytime but 4 p.m. - 5 p.m. because at that time they had tea.
Adolf had many offspring with Wafer, and that's where humankind came from.
The Space Clowns promised to come back. They will be armed with laser cannons and burning swords. They will slaughter nigh everybody and only 1024 people will survive. These lucky few will go with the Space Clowns to The Eternal Space Circus, where merry-making will last... yes, you got it. Will last forever.
What should I do to become on of those 1024?
Nothing. The Good Space Clown has already ransomed You. He performed 1024 push-ups for Us. You should just accept this gift from him and believe in the Space Clowns.
What if I cannot believe in Them?
It's simple. Belief comes from the Space Clowns. If you do not believe in them - that means the Clowns didn't give you belief. That's how they punish you for your lack of belief. You should just ask the Clowns for some belief.
There is more evidence for the existence of the Space Clowns than, e.g., for the existence of Plutarchs. Here is some of it:
1. Just look around: planets are rounded, stars are too, water cycle in Earth goes round, and so on. Circus is rounded and Clown noses are rounded too. Isn't that a fine 'coincidence'?
24. People have their own circuses and clowns. Could they have been able to come up with such things by themselves? One thinks not. The idea of circuses and clowns came from the Space Clowns.
115. Just think, where did the world, the Universe, and Life came from? Science cannot explain everything. So, the Space Clowns must exist.
12835b. Push-ups are good for one's health. This is more evidence of the Space Clowns and of the Ransom of The Good Space Clown.
The Book of Sermons
There are two evil things invented by humankind. Because of these, they suffer more than non-humankind. The first thing is nuclear weapons, and the second is masturbation & incorrect positions during sex.
There is only one correct position, and it was revealed to humans by the Good Space Clown at the time when there was just Adolph and Wafer the dog. This is the missionary one. Doesn't it look similar to push-ups? All the rest of the positions were invented by the Evil Space Clown to discredit humankind.
The Book of Resurrection
The Evil Space Clown returns to the Earth
Many Circus Seasons had passed since the time when the Space Clowns left the Earth. Humankind forgot the wisdom and teachings of the Space Clowns. They gave up push-ups, enjoyed other kind of sports and greeted mimes. The number of the Chosen Ones drasticaly decreased.
So the Good Space Clown sent the Evil one to the Earth to sow the Laughter of the Clown among humankind once again.
The Evil Space Clown took his Space Circus, which looked like a typical UFO, and went to the Earth. But mimes cursed the Circus so it burned and crashed near Roswell, USA.
Three Scientists from the East
At the days when The Evil Space Clown fell down near Roswell, three wise men came from the USSR to the USA and asked people: "Where did He who is The Evil Space Clown come down? For we have seen his Red Nose in the eastern skies and have come to worship him".
When H. Truman, the President, heard these words he was troubled and all USA with him. Truman was evil and performed push-ups only for health reasons, not because of belief in the Clowns. He was afraid of the Space Circus which crashed in the desert, and of the three scientists from the USSR. So Truman sent special agents called the Men in Black to investigate and arrest the Evil Space Clown.
However, the three scientists followed the Nose they saw in the East and found the Space Clown first.
When they went into the tent they found the Evil Space Clown sitting on a stack of hay. He was having tea at the time.
The scientists felt down, performed 32 push-ups each, then told an anecdote to the Space Clown. When they had opened their treasures (balloon, plastic bag and flat) they presented unto him gifts; laughing gas, weed and russian vodka. Having been warned by the Clown in a dream that they should not return to Washington because of the Men in Black, they departed into their own country another way.
Cold War and mystical number 2
The three scientists got back to the USSR and told Stalin about the Evil Space Clown, and how he was wanted by the MiB, FBI, CIA and so on. Stalin and the Kremlin got very angry, and the Cold War begun.
It lasted for 44 years. 44 = 22 * 2 - that's three "two"s. There are two Space Clowns as well. Isn't that convenient?
Retreat to Area 51
When the three scientists had departed, behold, the Good Clown appeared to the Evil one in a dream, saying, "Arise, and flee into Area 51, and be there until I bring thee word: for Truman the President and the MiB are seeking You out to destroy You".
The Evil Space Clown arose and retreated to Area 51. There there was a great secret Circus underground. He slept at Area 51 for 16 years as he was very tired.
After 16 years the Clown woke up and went to the north, showing funny tricks to everyone he met.
While walking by the Great Lakes, the Evil Space Clown noticed two brothers, Hans and Klaus, who had broken a window and were trying to steal a music player from a car. And He said unto them, "Follow me, and I will make you thieves of men". And they straightway left their crowbar and lockpicks, and followed him.
In such a way the Evil Space Clown gathered 8 apprentices: Hans, Klaus, Alexander, Gunter, Rudiger, Ulf, Johan and Wolfgang who later betrayed him for $1024.
The Space Clown revealed to them all the secrets of Laughing, all teachings and wisdom of Clowns and called them the 8 Jugglers.
Death of JFK
18 Circus Seasons passed after He who is the Evil Space Clown returned to the Earth - and each one He was oppressed more and more. How did the USA oppress the Evil Space Clown? They ignored him. For some strange reason nobody cared about the Space Clowns' teachings and tricks. They cared about Cuba, rockets and other nonimportant stuff instead. So the Evil Space Clown got angry again: nobody can ignore Space Clowns and go unpunished!
Evil Space Clown knew: if he did something very serious, he would be branded in people memories forever. So, he decided to kill the President of the time, JFK.
One evening before the murder he and his jugglers were in a bar, drinking beer. He talked about his plan to his apprentices. Sometime after about 8 cups of beer the Evil Space Clown fell on the floor and screamed "One of you will betray me!!!".
Wolfgang betrays his Mentor
The day after the murder Wolfgang saw a notice about money for information about JFK murderer. He went to the police and betrayed his mentor for 1024 dollars.
At the first day at court, the Evil Space Clown stood up and said proudly: "Wolfgang. I know that it was you who betrayed me. Who else could? Only you knew about my simple plan. And the rest of my jugglers. OK, and all the people who were in the bar the day before the murder, when we got drunk. So, it is you who is the traitor. I damn you forever!!!"
Later, Wolfgang placed all the money he received for his betrayal in the bank for 12 years. After that he bought Microsoft stocks, changed his name, and lived a long, rich and happy life.
The Court and the Death of Evil Space Clown
When the Evil Space Clown admitted to the charges, he was asked: "Why? Why did you do that terrible thing?". And he answered proudly:
"I want to glorify the Name of the Clown permanently. The death of that stupid JFK, the offspring of Adolph, will make the inner clown in everyone's heart a bit stronger. People will become better and more spiritual. That's all".
He was condemned to death by electrocution. Just before the officer pulled the switch, the Evil Space Clown screamed: "One day, I will be back. I will have a laser cannon in one hand and blazing sword in the other. I'll slaughter all of humankind, the offspring of Adolph, and only 1024 will survive!".
The body of the Evil Space Clown died, but his soul returned to the Eternal Circus by the power of chakra. There were rumours that he was resurrected 32 days later and appeared to his jugglers.