Skrillex
Grammy Award-Winning Electronic Music "Producer" and Recording "Artist" Skrillex has perfected electronic music. Sure, some may say that his music is "loud" and "abrasive." Some may say that his songs lack "depth" and "nuance." Some may say that his haircut is "awful" and "abysmal" and "strangely feminine." Some may say that his sounds are "all the same," "all of the same," and "same old same old." Some may think he is "unoriginal," and "unimaginative," perhaps even "untalented." And some may call him "incompetent," and some may call him "ignorant." But hear me out. Not once has anyone ever called him "incontinent." Not only is he a fantastic record producer, but he is also sublimely toilet trained. Why is this relevant? Because Skrillex has perfected both music-making and bowel movements by being keen to one precise secret, a unique tool bestowed by the DJ Gods: knowing exactly when and where to
DROP!
BWAH WAH
BUBUBUBUBUBUWUWUWUBUWUBUWUBUWBUUWBUBBUB WUB WUB
BWAH WAH
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ EEEZZZZ EEEZZZZ OYYYY EEEEEEE AAAAAAZZZZZZZZ
BWAH WAH
BUBUBUBUBUBUWUBUWBUWBUWUBUWBUWUBUBUBUUB WUB WUB
ZIZZIX XEEEEEE BRAWX BWAX ZRAX
BWAH WAH
KEEEEEE KERRRRRR RRRRRRKKKKK EEEEEEEEEEEEEE ZIZIZIZIZIZIZ WAAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBBBBBBBB
Wub wub wubbity wub
Sure, those "people" with their mentioned "criticisms" above may be technically "right," but they just have it all backwards. Everything they "fault" him for is a solid gold dubloon merely disguised as a massive, unbearable flaw! Name a single artist who can get as loud as Skrillex. As belligerent, upfront, and anti-intellectual as Skrillex. Name a single musician who can get as downright fucking annoying as this scrawny White demigod. Throbbing Gristle, Cannibal Corpse, Lightning Bolt, Aphex Twin, GWAR, Black Flag, Ornette Coleman, Melvins, The Pop Group, Pharaoh Sanders, Ke$ha, and Train may all fit the above criteria as well while being "objectively" better musicians, but none of them can match the unbroken stream of unbridled masculine noise that Skrillex shits, pisses, and sweats out daily and nightly.
Skrillex is a master of all noises. He has more power tools than Tim Allen and New Jersey combined on a single laptop hard drive. Each noise is deployed with the dexterous skill of a practiced finger-poker. His live sets are notoriously raucous; born to perform, Skrillex often performs a small dance beside his laptop, careful to make sure no one accidentally presses the "Pause" button and stop his set dead in its prerecorded tracks. But nothing can stop Skrillex. His music will grab you by the throat and smash you in the testicles with a spiked gauntlet until your groin resembles little more than peachy mush. And you will enjoy every last second of it.
Skrillex displays Nazi-like efficiency in his music, and that comparison is meant in the best way possible. After only one year of major DJ production, he has rendered 90% of a song's runtime completely obsolete, forcing each sound from each second into a tiny 10 to 20 second drop-and-screech. He once compiled over six hundred sounds into a single beat of music. It sounds as awful as it would seem, but god damn if it isn't dubstep as fuck. And yes, "dubstep" can be used as an adjective now. Don't thank me. Thank Skrillex. And don't forget to
CALL 911 NOW
BWAH WAH
BUBUBUBUBUBUWUWUWUBUWUBUWUBUWBUUWBUBBUB WUB WUB
BWAH WAH
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ EEEZZZZ EEEZZZZ OYYYY EEEEEEE AAAAAAZZZZZZZZ
BWAH WAH
BUBUBUBUBUBUWUBUWBUWBUWUBUWBUWUBUBUBUUB WUB WUB
ZIZZIX XEEEEEE BRAWX BWAX ZRAX
BWAH WAH
KEEEEEE KERRRRRR RRRRRRKKKKK EEEEEEEEEEEEEE ZIZIZIZIZIZIZ WAAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBBBBBBBB
Wub wub wubbity wub
If I could think of a single flaw, it would be that Skrillex is a very clumsy man. However, this makes him very good at wobbling basses. Don't ever give him a bass and expect it to be safe in his hands. He can wobble a bass like Michael J. Fox wobbles a can of soup in the afternoon. If you ever need a bass wobbled, Skrillex is your man.
Unfortunately, Skrillex — like Michael J. Fox before him — is bad at making soup. That's why there are so many rags and towels strewn about his kitchen. If you tried to get him to cook you a can of chicken noodle, or even minestrone, Skrillex would pick up that can, wobble it a bit, and then just let it
DROP
all over the floor and just make a huge mess. So don't try to get Skrillex to cook you soup, because he'll make a mess all over your kitchen floor. He won't even pay you back for the lunch he just ruined.
See also
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