“Sheldon Souray? At least he isn’t one of those Russian sissies.”
“I love this city. I can't imagine playing anywhe-wait, how much is Edmonton offering?.”
Sheldon Sharik Souray (born February 29, 1946 in Elk Lake, Saudi Alberta) has been the subject of countless legends, numerous tales and one syndicated sitcom (Hooking Up with Sheldon) based on his storied, yet tragic career as an hockey playing astronaut for the Montreal Canadiens. Originally a water boy for the team during his infant years, Sheldon won a spot on the team after at the tender age of six. Under his leadership and general domination of the blue line, red line, yellow line, and Bar-Lev Line the Montreal Canadiens would go onto win a record sixty-seven Stanley Cups, twenty-three World Series championships, and one Belmont Sweepstakes. However, the tale of Sheldon Souray is one of both success and tragedy.
1946-51: The Early Years
Tragedy and uncertainty would mark the first few years of Souray’s life. Persecuted in his native Saudi Alberta for links to the Devil of New Jersey the Harper Junta traded Souray to Montreal for Ann Coulter and a bag of hockey pucks. With no friends, family or means of employment in his new city Sheldon would live on the streets of Verdun for several months. After surviving the winter living off poutine drippings and Molson Export Souray was discovered by legendary hockey coach Scotty Bowman, who took him under his wing. While rumors of being “more than just a water boy” to Scotty remain popular among native Montrealers, Souray was said to have served the best damn Powerade this side of the Mississippi Delta.
Souray would quickly climb the corporate ladder, slaughtering opponent after oppontent on the bloody fields of El Forum. His signature move, The Grab n’ Clutch, and his patented hockey hook of doom would lead to such success that President Koivu would induct him as the forty-fourth Montreal Canadien in 1952
1952-2004: The Glory Years
At the age of six Sheldon Souray had become the youngest astronaut in the Montreal Canadiens gloried history. Initially he did not disappoint. From 1952-2004 the Montreal Canadiens achieved unrivaled success and Souray would have his name etched into the Stanley Cup a record sixty-five times. His skill and potential knew no bounds, leading even to victory in greyhound racing at the Belmont Stakes in 1977.
Career Highs in a Season from 1952-2004
- 55 Goals
- 1 Assists (accidentally hit Zednik)
- 56 Points
- 12,345 Hits (12,342 of the 12,345 against him)
- -13 PIM (he actually gave refs penalties)
- Winner of three Frank Selke trophies, fourteen Lady Bing trophies and two Gold Gloves
- His wife apparently broke his wrist in a game of mercy in 6.21 seconds
- Shot down 18 ducks in 19 slapshots at an annual pinic.
- First player to deke himself and score a highlight reel goal
- Has pwned a lot of Poon destroyers (see Leafs page)
- Should have won the hardest shot competition in the Skills Competition with his score on his second shot. The judges mistook the 1000.0 m/h for 100.00 m/h. Of course the judges were exterminated with 4 quick slapshots to their heads.
The post-Lockout years: The Dark Ages
[|frame|Souray after the lockout]]
After forgetting their keys in the car, hockey players were locked out of the 2004-2005 NHL season. During The Lockout Souray went into hiding for several months. Rumors spread like wild fire. Some thought him dead, others claimed to hear his cries winding through the trees of Mount Doom on cold, windy nights. While what exactly happened to Sheldon Souray between 2004 and 2005 may never be revealed, what was painfully obvious to the fine citizens of Montreal was that something had changed. Gone was the Grab n’ Clutch, and the hockey hook of doom and with seemed to go his vast potential. People just skated around the guy. Fans flocked to men like Alex Kovalev and Mike “shit in my pants” Ribeiro. The struggling Souray was traded back to Saudi Alberta in 2006 for, ironically, a bag of hockey pucks. The Souray era had come to a tragic end, but at least we have all these shiny trophies to look at now.