Seto Kaiba
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“Screw The Rules! I have money!”
“He's Yugi's bitch”
“Does he have green hair or am I high again....wait both?”
“That Kaiba kid needs to get laid”
“Not Anymore! Tehehe”
“I like to play Nintendo, and a little playstation”
“I am The Goddamn Kaibaman!”
“Feel the Wrath of my anime Mullet”
“Bring on my Uncyclopedia article so that my Blue-Eyes White Dragon can devastate its life points!”
Seto Kaiba of Yu-Gi-Oh! thinks that he is the best person in the world. Only the foolish children of the world believe that; in reality we know he is a depraved pervert and a lover of torture.
Early Life
Seto Kaiba was not always rich, When he was about 7, he fired his parents, and had to live in an orphanage, because he had no money, and couldn't "Screw the Rules". His little brother, Shut Up, Mokuba Kaiba was the target of orphan bullies. Seto wouldn't stand for this, claiming when you're being picked on by orphans, you know you've hit rock bottom. Eventually, a nameless billionaire, adopted Kaiba, and Mokuba after Seto told his adoptive father he needed Mokuba as a Scapegoat. (At this point it was still illegal for rich people to commit crimes.)
Rise to power
When Kaiba's adoptive father left for Reasons unknown, Kaiba finally got Money, which allowed him to screw the rules once more, and bribe Politicians, a crime that he would've been brought to court for, except the Politician he bribed passed a law that allowed rich people to be aquitted of all crimes, and immune from future crimes. Actually, when one thinks about it, Kaiba didn't really rise to power, he just lazily inherited it, and then used it to gain immunity. This area of the article was a waste of space, sorry.
Criminal years (manga version)
After Kaiba's "Rise to Power", Kaiba began what could only be called his criminal years.
For some reason all of the kids in Domino thought that he was the coolest guy ever. Kaiba masturbated to torturing old men by forcing them into scary simulations of monsters until they get heart attacks and strokes, whacking little high school boys in their faces with metal briefcases, forcing teenagers onto an electric chair roller coaster ride (when they scream, they get shocked), having teenagers crushed by a real life Tetris simulation, and nurturing The Chopman, the best serial killer of all.
Criminal years (second anime version)
One day at Public School (Yes, You heard me, Public School) While reading a book (The only one at the school, or so you would think after seeing only one person reading) Seto over heard someone talking about a rare card. Kaiba came to the conclusion that the card in question must obviously be the blue-eyes white dragon, and Kaiba had to have it, so he could complete his fantasy of a 5-way with blue-eyes'. At first, he tried to bribe the old man in Yugi's basement with a crap load of money, when this failed, Kaiba threatened the old man and told him, He'll be back. Kaiba then kidnapped the old man, and dueled him into submission. Yes, he somehow injured the old man with giant holographic monsters, summoned from children's playing cards. At this point Kaiba called the old man's grandson, who had ridiculous hair, and told him to get over there and do something about his grandpa. When Yugi (The grandson in case you're stupid) showed up, Kaiba tore the children's playing card in two, the same childrens playing card he KIDNAPPED an old man to get, as you can see, there are a lot of holes in his plan. His criminal career ended ten minutes later when he fought and lost a children's card game to Yugi. or The man in Yugi's head. The Japanese make this shit too confusing.
Hero years?
After Dark Yugi sends him to a reeducation camp, Kaiba now comes off as an arrogant, upset jerk instead of a sadistic maniac.
Kaiba spent his time time honing his children's card game skills and preparing himself for a duel against his ridiculously haired rival. When he came back from training, he found his company taken over by Pegasus' men, he then jumped out of his office window, leaving his children's card deck behind. He then set out to get revenge and save his little brother (again). His deck was given to a gay clown, who Yugi killed, then returned the deck, (without stealing the rare cards) to Kaiba, who then "walked briskly" towards Pegasus' castle. Then waited at the front door, dueled Yugi, and won by using an Emo strategy, and then took the required "star chips" to get inside the castle. He then lost his soul in a duel against Pegasus. He was rescued by Yugi, as was Mokuba, who Began to cry at the site of Kaiba smiling. Over the course of Kaiba's life he became a much better hero, soon becoming more popular than the show's main character. He was like the Fonz.
Relationship with Pornstar Barbie
After Kaiba realized that there was more to life then children's card games, Seto Kaiba set out to do something that no one in Japan? America? Jamerica! had ever done, He was going to get laid. Kaiba at first tried hookers. Then robots, Then robot hookers. After memorizing the Karma Sutra, he went to a bar, and got a girlfriend, Pornstar Barbie They soon Screwed like rabbits made beautiful love, that in no way would make the wonderful Feminists attack. cough cough. Pornstar Barbie was Kaiba's trophy, and his bridge to other women. Pornstar Barbie rejected his marriage proposal, and dumped him. Kaiba then used this experience as a line to get Yugi's love interest to go out with him. (Tèa Gardner) fell for this like the idiot she is
Women Kaiba has been with
- Sarah Palin
- Mai Skankentine
- Tèa Gardner
- Aeris Gainsborough
But keep the "involved with" in mind; Kaiba doesn't love women. He only uses them to get his goals. In reality Kaiba's true love is the Blue Eyes White Dragon. Every night Blue Eyes sucks on Kaiba. Then in the morning Blue eyes gets it up the butt from Kaiba
Sarah Palin
This deserves a second look, Because
- 1 Sarah Palin is married
- 2 She is all about family values, and is highly against premarrital sex
- 3 She was the VP Candidate for the Republican Party, making this more unlikely
- 4 She is against Kaiba Corp. Because it gave so much money to Obama
As you can see this makes almost no sense, but it happened, This was actually a way to make Palin look like a Hypocrite, But the election ended before this, and had no effect what so ever.
Marriage To Aeris
This was Kaiba's lucky day, sort of. After Pornstar Barbie, Kaiba decided not to get married, but Aeris tricked him into it. The marriage was a secret, that was to be revealed after Aeris shut down her flower business due to the whole "I married a rich guy!" thing. Kaiba was drunk during the ceremony, and for that matter, drunk when he got trapped into marriage. In Kaiba's autobiography he wrote: "I woke up to find Aeris with her arm across my chest, as usual, but then I noticed her hand, It had a ring, a wedding ring, I looked at my hand, it too had a wedding ring. I screamed. I didn't know what else to do. To this day I can't remember getting married, I have the tape and paperwork, but, That area is a total blank." Fortunately for Kaiba, Aeris was killed by Sephiroth, and the marriage ended there. Kaiba of course, needed to have Sephiroth killed. It wasn't good Public Relations to allow some guy to kill the C.E.O's wife and get away with it. Seto Kaiba hired Squall "Leon" Leonhart to kill Sephiroth. because this hit wasn't enough to make Mr.Leonhart rich, he was immediatly branded a suspect in Sephiroth's Murder. This is not mentioned in Seto Kaiba's Biography, "Screw everything, I have money", however, it does mention Kaiba hiring a hit man to kill Sephiroth. "She began introducing herself as Aeris Kaiba to most people she met. She didn't tell her friends, who seemed to think she was single, I must say I hated her friends, the one time I met Cloud, I knew he was a bad egg. I had to do something to save my reputation. I hired a hitman to kill Sephiroth, A hitman I could trust not to tell anyone who had hired him." Why Kaiba had to be able to trust who he had hired is still a mystery.
Giant Rocks
Kaiba is a Giant Rock collector. he loves giant rocks. When asked why he likes giant rocks he says: It's a rock! and it's Giant! This may be just another weird fetish of his, like Dragons.
“Oh My God A Giant Rock! Its a Rock! and it Giant!”
KaibaCorp.
Seto Kaiba received a large Company when his father left. He used this company to make card games look a lot stupider. So far KaibaCorp has built
- A Holographic monster generator. (The high tech duel table)
- A Blue-Eyes White dragon fighter jet. (It looks
stupidepic but is the offical fighter jet of Jamerica) - A portable Holographic monster generator
- KaibaCorps New technologically advanced DUEL DISK SYSTEM!©
The Blue-Eyes White Jet
Kaiba had a Blue-Eyes white dragon jet built for him, this way he could shoot down anything he wanted. Unfortunately for Kaiba, it looked so stupid epic, and you know it. He used it to shoot down his competition,
making KaibaCorp the only Company in Jamerica. Instead of using missiles as ammunition, the Blue-Eues White Jet drops its payload of heat-seeking giant rocks on its targets. Kaiba loves the Blue-Eyes White Dragon because it was his first . . . his first Duel Monsters card of course. What did you think I meant?
Video Games
Kaiba Corp published the smash hit video game Grand Theft Auto: Domino City.The Game was banned after it was discovered that the game contains a hidden mini-game that allows you to have sex with a hooker that looks like Mokuba. Why Kaiba would include a hooker that looked like Mokuba in his game is anyone's guess.
Kaiba has signed on to do many video games, (Not Including the MMORPG he invented) Most of them with Nintendo. Kaiba is rarely playable. ever. Kaiba is by far the coolest person in the games, yet you can't play as him. This upsets the fangirls. The fangirls then beat up Nintendo executives, Nintendo executives then beat up their wives, Wives then beat up their children, and children beat up fangirls. It's a vicious circle.
Kaiba Vs. Yugi
- Kaiba is rich.
- Yugi never wins a duel, the man in his head does.
- Kaiba is the anti-hero.
- Kaiba doesn't have to deal with Bakura.
- Yugi is a midget, and is even short for that.
- Kaiba has normal hair. Yugi's looks ridiculous.
- Kaiba is a 16 year old with no parents and a sh*tload of money.
- Yugi has to pay for his Grandfather, who eats Yugi's food.
- Yugi will probably never hit puberty.
- Kaiba doesn't have to obey the laws.
- Fangirls like him better.
- Kaiba has all the cool gadgets.
- Kaiba is rich.
- Kaiba is friends with Captain Jean Luc Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise (Unconfirmed).
- Kaiba actually got laid. Yugi is too interested in card games.
- When one of Yugi or one of his friends are in trouble, they need to be rescued, Kaiba has only been captured once, and escaped by himself.
- Kaiba is 6'2" Yugi is 5'4"
- Yugi is aroused by the Dark Magician girl.
- Yugi lives in a card shop. Kaiba live where he wants.
- Kaiba looks a little like an anime Solid Snake, sounds like one too.
- Yugi looks like a bondage slave.
- Kaiba slept with Tèa before Yugi even had the idea.
- Kaiba sent every tape of him and Tèa in "the act" to Yugi, who cried copiously.
- Yugi can't screw the rules. Not just because he doesn't have money, but also because he suffers from severe erectile dysfunction.
- You can design a sweet ass jet from Kaiba's Blue-Eyes White Dragon. Yugi's Dark Magician? Not so much.
- Kaiba is rich.
Kaiba's Autobiography
All rich people have an auto biography.
Kaiba's just rules. It is better then everyone elses. Here, Listen to some of it:
" One day, I said to myself, "Kaiba, there is more to life then children's card games."
I think I always knew this, thats why I kept losing to Yugi. So I decided to get laid.
It was easy. I memorized the Karma Sutra in two minutes thanks to my photographic retention skills, and went to a jazz bar. It was there that I met Pornstar Barbie.
We clicked- you know, it was so, so real. We went out over the next few months. She was my trophy. Whenever Yugi beat me in a card game, I'd walk off with her, and he'd just stare in jealousy. I made the mistake of proposing- she left me. I vowed never to get married. A month later I used this story to get into the Pants of Tèa, Yugi's love interest. We had a month of steaming hot sex; all of which I taped and sent to Yugi, to say "You are a poor loser. Now cry". After all of Tèa's friendship speeches, I had to dump her." There is much debate over what really happened that ended their relationship Steaming hot sex marathon. Kaiba claims he dumped her, Tèa claims she dumped him. In another exerpt it explains how he decided to build the Blue-Eyes jet.
"It hit me! Why not build a jet that looks like a Duel Monster? I had my engineers get to work on it immediately. It had to be beautiful, glacial in its sleek intensity, yet omnipotently deadly. It would have 4 .50 caliber machine guns, 6 stinger missles. and seating for 10 people far less great than myself. It would be the scourge of the airways. It was quickly built, and the army adapted it shortly after." This book sold well.[1]
In fact, maybe too well.
Current life
Today Seto Kaiba lives in his mansion, and plays children's card games. He is currently the chairman of the charity organization, the Kaiba Corp Underprivileged Dragon Relief Fund that provides dragons living in the Third World with food, clothes, medical care, schooling, and a proper Dueling education.
Also, since the cancellation of Yu-Gi-Oh, Seto Kaiba has become the bassist for the heavy metal band, Bullet for Mai Valentine, along with fellow unemployed cast members Dark Yugi, Yugi and Katsuya Jonouchi.