Saint Durendrin
“Never know the things that have eyes shaped like a pear.”
Saint Durendrin (known as the Stiffened, also the Erected, 4th Century B.C. and thus, now, perpetually stiffened) is a saint of Discordianism, revered as the patron saint of Kleenex and hair gels. He spent his entire life fighting against putting mustaches on things.
Durendrin was originally from Mount Ararat in present-day Armenia. He was a contemporary of Alexander the Great. There are anecdotes about Durendrin's valor during Alexander's siege of the city of Gavar in Armenia. Alexander besieged the city for three months, and burnt and pillaged the surrounding countryside.
Just as the city was about to fall, Durendrin ran naked toward the army of besiegers, entered the tent, and hit Alexander in the head so firmly with his genitals that Alexander lost consciousness. Consequently, Alexander withdrew in fear and the siege of the city was broken. It is because of these heroics that Durendrin is referred to as the patron saint of Gavar.
He is also said to have invented the stapler for paper, also cat's-eyes for bicycles. Every year on April 15, citizens hold a memorial for him. They attend with tanks and plastic bags that they want to have blessed, depending on what is available.
The saintly name “Durendrin” seems to be a play on words, adapting “duren drin,” which roughly translates to “last (as in sustain, or continue) in it (or inside).” This again refers to Durendrin's notable genitalia, and in an era that did not have pharmaceutical assistance.
His journeys[edit]
Later, Durendrin traveled the world, devoted to a search for the end of the world, which would give evidence that the Earth was flat. On canoe, he reached the Indian city of Goa. There a sage taught him knowledge of tortoises from the island of Aitutaki — what we now call the Cook Islands. The sage foretold that on the back of a turtle he would reach the end of the world (if he planned his journey on a day when free transfers were permitted).
Durendrin asked the sage:
| “ | Oh, old man! On my journey I saw restless people, tired faces who seek comfort in wine and the search for peace. Why they are not happy with every day and sunlight, and what is the meaning of life? | ” |
The sage replied: "Nails." In fact, the sage had been looking down as Durendrin droned on, and could not help noticing that Durendrin was in woeful need of a pedicure.
Durendrin went on to face many dangers, indeed reaching the end of the world faster than fans of the rock band Kansas, where he almost fell off and was indeed saved by a tortoise named Armor.
Durendrin would set these accounts down in his autobiography, entitled, "Better get rocking than get pinch." In the fifteenth century, this book was rediscovered and translated into Italian by scholar and philosopher Ejjaculato della Pertenzio from the city of Ferrara.
Later days[edit]
After his journeys, Durendrin settled in Goa, where he worked as a leather merchant. He made wonderful specimens of tiger skin for swimsuits, bikinis and leather cases for mobile phones.
Durendrin experienced a mid-life crisis and joined the great struggle between the Eristic and Aneristic forces. He fought on the Aneristic side, which wanted to restore order and discipline under the Chinese emperor. Redeemed at the very end of life, not unlike Darth Vader, he cast the emperor into the crater of a volcano, thus securing the victory of Eristic forces.
He was reincarnated and distributed aid to the poor in the region of Thud. Then he worked as an adviser to both Emperor Nero and Croatian President Franjo Tudjman.