Rich guys who blow all their money on expensive whores
Rich guys who blow all their money on expensive whores are a very important part of a healthy economy. It is estimated by the World Economy Organization that tens of billions of dollars are spent annually on expensive whores. This helps to spur the economy because the money spent on whores goes to support the lingerie and lipstick industries, and the money that is given to pimps is spent on fancy obnoxious clothing, over-sized clocks, shades, spinners for cars, canes, and dental work. This money, in turn, trickles down to the rest of the economy.
The effect is so powerful that it is believed that the most recent recession in the United States was caused by a pro-abstinence program pandering to rich people in hopes of championing (and thereby donating large heaps of cash to) their cause. The group reported a 75 percent pledge rate among the rich in 2008, although whether the rich, sex addicted playboys actually held to their word is not known.
The Painful Aftermath of Rich Abstinence
The sudden drop in whore employment created disastrous results. One in five whores died of either starvation or knife-induced layoffs. Asian whores, trannies, and midgets particularly experienced a dramatic death toll of 83 percent. Researchers in the field agree that this is due to the higher price of these specialty groups, because a person can get a regular old fatty brunette practically anywhere.
As pimps had less money to spend on giant clocks and spinners, the automotive and watch industries took a nose dive. Rolex had to fire 30 percent of its workforce, and many inner city dentists permanently closed up shop. This lack of nearby dentistry created additional health problems with consumers, as good dentistry became both difficult to find and more expensive. Adding to the misery of the whores, dental premiums became unaffordable, due to the high volume of work they had in the past. Before rich abstinence, most high quality whores visited the dentist two or three times a week, because of a mix of issues, including damages after servicing well endowed or eccentric rich men, as well as check-ups to inspect for herpes.
Insurance companies also took a hit. Rich people who blow all their money on expensive whores tend to have very high insurance rates due to their risk of spreading disease. They are also less likely to have any qualms about spending whatever cash is necessary to keep their health in line. With the advent of rich abstinence, however, insurance prices increased for the regular Joe Blow Schmoes.
It even caused gas prices to rise...
...
...Somehow.
Societal Snubbing
Many rich guys who blow all their money on expensive whores are looked down on by certain members of society for their excessive consumerism and loose morals. The main groups offended include churches, schools, [1] and rich wives.
The people who do shun rich playboys are often times unaware of the positive side effects of such behavior. All three of the above mentioned groups can benefit in some way from a rich guy blowing his money on whores. Whores, while promiscuous, like to believe that they have some good in them too. Because of this psychological need to feel better about themselves, whores flock to the church like they're giving away semen-flavored lollipops.
For some reason, whores tend to have a lot of babies, and these babies eventually grow to be small children. Small children tend to need to go to school. When a rich person blows a lot of money on a whore, that woman is likely to spend her middle age, non-whoring, floopy dessert cooch years trying to regain her self-respect by participating more in the local community. There is no better way for a parent to do this than to financially support her school. Ex-whores are one of the biggest supporters of after-school activities, as well as of course sex education.
As for the wives of rich people who blow all their money on expensive whores, it seems as though it is all downside to be in this situation. Nothing could be further from the truth. The majority of rich wives do not marry for love in the first place, but for money and/or political power. There is a kind of silent agreement between rich couples that they'll only pretend to love each other in public so that it is easier to get elected mayor or get their kids into Yale. Most rich wives are quite happy alone at home with their soaps and will actually kick their rich husbands out of the house so that they can actually get some sleep and not be kept up all night by snoring. This also serves as a blank check for their rich spouses in return to procreate with whomever they gosh darn well feel like, although usually they just drink bourbon and pass out half naked somewhere in their mansions. [2]
The Cuban Missile Crisis was narrowly averted when then president John F. Kennedy presented Fidel Castro with a "peace offering" of an expensive whore. Castro enjoyed the whore so much that he immediately converted to democracy. [citation needed] [3]
Additional positive outcomes to rich guys blowing all their money on expensive whores
Disease Control
Because rich people have the money to have their whores vaccinated, rich people who blow all their money on expensive whores help to prevent the spread of STD's. [4]
The Gay whales in Darfur
It is a little known fact that most expensive whores have a soft spot in their callous, abused hearts for the gay whales in Darfur, who they feel they share a kind of isolated kinship with. Many whores frequently compare their own distress to the distress of the gays whales, and hence frequently contribute to the cause.
At first glance it may seem strange that an entire subgroup of the world's population, whores namely, would have such a compassion with the creatures when there's no precedent for it. Scientists at the Darfurian Gay Whale Association say they are still researching this phenomena but it is taking longer than expected due to lack of research funds, such as money to keep both psychologists and the people they are polling fed long enough to extract information.
The scientists do say that having a compassion for the Gay Whales in Darfur is not uncommon among most subgroups, because the whole thing is just "Sad, so very very sad." After all the Gay Whales in Darfur are whales that are gay and live in Darfur. Who wouldn't have compassion on them?
Preventing War
Since rich people usually have a profound influence in politics, rich people who don't get laid tend to use politics as their alternative Freudian outlet, which is why many politicians talk of the need to "carpet bomb" countries, or "waterboard" terrorists. They also enjoy shooting stuff and invading, which exemplifies further Freudian symbolism.
When politicians are able to have sex in real life, the need to "do it" to the rest of the world shrinks. This explains why the United States currently is in a state of constant war. If these particular rich men blew all their money on whores, international relations in the United States would dramatically improve.
Sexually Conspicuous Consumption
It has been said that money makes the world go around. More accurately, shit-tons of money arbitrarily stuffed down the asshole of Nancy the hooker in a Motel 8 in Nevada, room 372[5] is likely the solution for many problems in the near future.
Without the blind, reckless, lust of many rich people, the economy would likely be in even worse shape than it is currently. And these negative effects on the economy would trickle down onto the rest of the world. We experience many of the blessings we do today because of rich people blowing their money on expensive whores, and we have much to be grateful for.
- ↑ but only if the rich people do it near a school, which happens more often than you think.
- ↑ This once happened with Hilary Clinton and her butler hid a few dollars in her ass as a joke. The joke backfired because the next day she gave it to him as a tip.
- ↑ Unfortunately, the bribe left Kennedy broke and unable to buy off the assassin that he knew was hired to kill him as a practical joke.
- ↑ This is why AIDS is so prevalent in Africa, because rich people don't live there.
- ↑ Nancy gives good head.
 Featured Article (read another featured article)
|
Featured version: 7 March 2011 |
| This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH. | |