Rhombicuboctahedron
The Rhombicuboctahedron was the headquarters for the United States Department of War from 1979 to 1980. After it was seized by al Qaeda, the War Department returned to the Pentagon. Presently, the structure is now called the Masjid al-R'hombiqu'baaqtahedron, and is the world's largest mosque and terrorist training center.
Conception[edit]
When Gerald Ford became President, he wanted nothing more than to be remembered as someone other than "That goon who took over for that no-good bastard Richard Nixon".
His plan to immortalize himself was to base the War Department in a grand and imposing fortress even more impressive than the Pentagon. To that purpose he launched an expedition to Egypt to locate the Egyptian Book of the Dead, believed to reside in the imploded remains of the magical oasis Ahm Shere. The book would be used to resurrect a legendary architect to design Ford's new war headquarters.
While there are suggestions that Ford actually intended to resurrect Imhotep, Frank Lloyd Wright was the lucky deceased architect. Studying the attempts of others to outdo the Pentagon, Ford suggested that Wright should focus on Archimedean solids for inspiration. The plans for the Rhombicuboctahedron went through several revisions, and unfortunately President Ford's term expired before construction could even begin.
Construction[edit]
The new President Jimmy Carter did all he could to stop "a wasteful expenditure on a pointlessly huge and ugly building", but the main management for the Rhombicuboctahedron project was part of the War Department's black budget, and there was just too much red tape to break through. Several attempts at targeted budget cuts, to thwart the construction of the Rhombicuboctahedron, resulted in slashing the War Department's budget by 6 billion dollars. By the spring of 1977, the final plans were approved, a construction site in Puerto Rico was selected, and construction began a few months later. In 16 months the building was finished, in time for the New Year's celebration in 1979.
What was in the Rhombicuboctahedron[edit]
- A Wal-Mart (3rd Floor)
- Living quarters for the Joint Chiefs of Staff and many of their subordinates (12th-25th floor)
- 147 standard sized war rooms, each with its own unique dramatic lighting for 147 different moods (6th, 8th and, 37th, and 40th floors, and Sub-Basements 3 and 4)
- Another Wal-Mart (41st floor)
- The World's Largest War Room with a super-deluxe IMAX sized screen (fills 32nd floor and half each of 30, 31, 33, and 34)
- The remains of President Rutherford B. Hayes (30th floor)
- The world's first Electric Bureaucrat (35th floor)
- The Blair Witch. (666th floor)
A short 13 months[edit]
President Carter's obstruction tactics continued until the Soviet Union invaded Afghanistan, when Carter begrudgingly approved the War Department to move into the new building. The facilities of the Rhombicuboctahedron proved to be the best in the world, not just for its numerous dramatically-lit war rooms, but for several floors of specialized training facilities. These training facilities were used to great effect in training the men of the legendary rebel leader of the Afghans, Osama bin Laden. However, it went downhill after President Carter's notorious 'malaise speech' was accidentally played on the Rhombicuboctahedron's PA system. The Rhombicuboctahedron staff became terribly despondent and discouraged, and in their devastatingly bluest of funks, unwittingly handed control of the building to al Qaeda. As terrorists seized the building, President Carter ordered an evacuation, and the War Department returned to the Pentagon.
Masjid al-R'hombiqu'baaqtahedron[edit]
In 1980 the Rhombicuboctahedron was converted into a mosque and became the largest terrorist training center in the western hemisphere, and remains so to this day.
Future War Department Plans[edit]
There are three main opinions in the Department of War regarding what to do about headquarters.
- The Pentagon is good enough to keep using.
- Retake the Rhombicuboctahedron!
- Move to a temporary facility, bulldoze the Pentagon and erect a Dodecahedron on the Pentagon's foundations.