Polo (confectionery)
- Polo is also a sport played on horseback, just so you know.
The Polo is a white circular mint with a hole in it. The name is a contraction of the phrase "Para-hole-o", or "P-ole-o", because the Polo mint is literally the redundant bit around the hole shaped like an O, with the O-hole itself being the bit left over when small breath fresheners are stamped out of larger disk-shaped minty coins on the production-line.
Origin[edit]
For many years the left-over minty Para-hole-o rings were ground up to be used as a cutting agent in CIA cocaine shipments from the Nicaraguan "Contras" to Iran; but when President Ronald Reagan and Oliver North's nice little earner was exposed this use was no longer viable, and the Nicaraguan "Contras" front organisation Rowntree's were instead forced to find an alternate use for the Para-hole-o's. After 7 years of research it was determined that the best use for the leftover minty rings was as ring-shaped mints. Nobody ever thought it would catch on, but they were very wrong.
Popularity[edit]
The popularity of Polos over ordinary mints has been linked to a number of properties of them. Charlie Sheen got addicted to Polos back when they were ground up and cut with cocaine (his ex-wife blames them for his recent "meltdown"). Smaug the Dragon used them as breath freshener until he was killed by Bard of Dale with an arrow through his heart. Snow White was used in an advertising campaign for Polo, and told how her fascination with the hole keeps her coming back for more. An un-named dwarf has been quoted as saying Ms White eats so many Polos that her crap is white, and that this was the actual origin of her name, rather than any laughable virginal purity nonsense.
Snow White's affection for the hole is not an isolated case; when asked what it is about Polos that make them superior to other, similar, breath freshening confectionery, a large number of people cite licking out the hole as being the key to their enjoyment of this minty snack. The enjoyment of the small hole has informed numerous advertising campaigns with vaguely sexual themes and tones, since the word "Hole" is undeniably hilarious. Very few people recognise that the popular phrase "Any hole is a goal" originated with the Polo mint and not, as is often presumed, from very poor disco lighting. Unfortunately the phrase entered the public lexicon without selling the massive numbers of Polo mints forecast by Rowntrees, but for several years afterwards tarred the product and the company with a decidedly seedy quality. The makers of the, noticeably sticky and non-minty Creme Egg, executed a very similar campaign with a great deal more success by suggesting that people 'Get their tongue in and lick out' their eggs. Evidently Rowntrees had erred in not being as crude as is permissible when selling confectionery to children.
Disposition of the center bit[edit]
Inquiring minds, mostly writing to the The Times of London in green ink, have asked where the candy that would have gone in the middle of each mint winds up. They describe this as "something they don't want you to know" (exclamation points omitted). An investigative committee of the IAS has concluded that Rowntree takes the tiny pieces stamped out of the center of each mint and uses it to overstate revenues for each accounting period. Government, which usually praises "recycling" efforts, has taken no position as the recycling is mostly to the personal gullets of the Board of Directors.
Controversy[edit]
The Incredible Hulk has stated that the hole in the center of a Polo is "too small for me."