Phillip Banks
“You're Grounded.”
Phillip Banks, known most famously as Uncle Phil even by his parents, is a practising judge, situation comedy star, and leader of the Foot Clan in his spare time. He is the proud father of at least four children and is also the legal guardian of his sister-in-law's neglect for contraception, Will Smith. Esteemed by many in his wealthy neighbourhood because overweight black people always have lessons to teach people based on their past misadventures, Banks resides in a large house which is unfortunately named, if one considers the racial background of the Banks family.
His Birth and Childhood[edit]
Little Phillp grew up in a rural farm miles from anywhere in South Carolina as his parents were fearful of cities, with their noise and motorcars and housing prices and parties that went on into all hours of the night. It is believed that Phil was a small child during his earliest years, and that his birth was difficult due to his aberrant size as a newborn and his mothers narrow canal. As a child being raised in and around a rustic setting, the young Banks spent his formative years behaving in a manner befitting country life; spending a hot summer going on an rite-of-passage journey to poke a dead body, losing his virginity to a distant relative on a hazy, fly choked Sunday evening, and regarding even the most simplistic of 20th century technology with wonderment. Upon coming of age Banks chose to leave the rural pastishe of his home for the dark, heroin-fuelled concrete of Baltimore Maryland as, after some months spent deep in half-baked existential musing, the young Phillip Banks had decided he wanted to spend the rest of his life wearing a tie.
Becoming Political[edit]
Phillip had always prided himself upon his wisdom and 'smarts', which was peculiarly high for somebody from North Carolina. He had managed his father's finances much better than his benefactor and had always been the first to diagnose what disease the livestock had contracted and how many would have to be burnt in mass pyres in order to appease Nature and subdue the blight. Upon arriving in the city however, Banks was instantly confronted with the void of intellect residing inside himself, due to him choosing to place himself around the rich, apathetic students of the collages he attended. This brought about a sense of panic within him and, after rifling through a handful of unhelpful books on philosophy in the hope that it would make him seem less shallow, Banks turned his efforts towards activism. He started the riot in Selma and the Watts riots in 1965 and was never arrested; as he was too fat to lift. After his life in civil unhinging (abruptly ended due to a man throwing pepper in his eyes) Phillip seduced the principal of Princeton University with his love handles and was awarded a scholarship to study Sex Education but later transferred to law as he liked telling people off.
After having a lovely time at Princeton, Phillip ventured to Harvard Law School, as the examiner was very impressed how Phil had bullied him for his taste in ties. Even more impressive was that he was put on the board of the F.A.A (Fat,Angry and Alone) institution and was later awarded the Urban Slut award for being great in the sack.
Life in Bel Air (Before Will ruined it)[edit]
With a job as a lawyer at a widely respected law firm, plus a wife that gave fantastic sex and had bore him three awful children life was on the up for the fat man. They had also flown The White House over from Washington and redecorated fully so no one would notice. But just as life reached his peak a knock on the door had Phillip's hair fall from his head and he put on well over 200 pounds before the door could even be answered. Then his nephew bounded in and stated in the language of the Homeboy that he was moving in. From then on Phillips gentle side and love of most things was locked away forever. Everything disintegrated whithin a month. Carlton (Phillip's heir) dubbed him 'the big guy' that was obviously racist, his oldest, Hilary matured into a bitch and his youngest, Ashley contracted four S.T.D's. In his building rage he challenged his rival Carl Robertson to a duel for the right to be a court judge. Their battle raged to the very foundations of the earth, causing even satan to grab a broom and strike his ceiling with it in anger. The vibrations from the titanic battle could be felt in the Norfolk Broads and Berlin; and most thought it was The Rapture. Eventully Phillip laid his dead foe on the banks of the Rhine for the prostitutes and returned to Bel Air, gruffer now and filled with anger for all who he lived with.
Uncle Phil's consumption of the Third World[edit]
Now that his family had been all but ruined by 'The Fresh Prince' Phil resorted to comfort eating. However, due to his huge frame and anger the supermarkets of California were being picked clean by the unending hunger of Uncle Phil. The butler, Geoffrey who was a traditional man tried on several occasions to exorcise the bad spirit he believed occupied Phillips mind. Upon receiving a jaw shattering punch from Uncle Phil after he found out Geoffrey became quiet and brooding; like a dormant volcano. Meanwhile Phillip needed a landscape rich in nutrients to stave off his madness and remain 'Uncle Phil.' After shouting at the man by the plane at Los Angeles airport (a skill learned at Harvard) Phillip soon stood in Africa; the richest source of food in the known world. There he transformed into a swarm of 'Phil Flies' and devoured everything edible, including the affluent folk of the hallowed land. After three days the continent of Africa was but a barren desert, the people ill with malaria from the Phil Flies. With his work done Phillip returned to Bel Air and learned of the fate of his beloved car; which Will had totaled. The proof of Uncle Phil's consumption of Africa lies in Egypt where three enormous turds that tower above all else and are nicknamed 'The Pyramids' lie unending and un-steaming in the desert sun.
The Salvation of Uncle Phil[edit]
After a million episodes made from cameras hidden across the Bank house 'The Fresh Prince' made Will Smith a superstar. By 1996 Will was off to Hollywood (located down the road from Bel End) and the Bank house was finally left in peace. As if celebrating his release Uncle Phil decided to have a heart attack. Even better than that was the fact that his children had aged and had buggered off at last, leaving Phil, his wife Vivian and the brooding Butler Geoffrey to attend parties and listen to their James Brown collections.
Phillip in the 21st Century[edit]
Phillip now has more hair than usual and since his heart attack has slimmed down. Now they live in peace and quiet without horrid children ruining their perfect lives. There is only one final challenge Phillip must face to complete his destiny and that is to face off against Geoffrey in the most monsterous battle to ever take place on the Earth. This event had not yet happened but had been prophesised by Jazz; the greatest musician and prophet in the land. When these two titans face off the world shall be rended in two and we will all be forced to clean up the mess made. But at least we will have a lovely planet to live on.
Footnotes[edit]