Pakenham, Victoria

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A local Pakwegian - Gubby Miller

Pakenham (known to the locals only as 'Pakky') was founded in the early years of the development of Melbourne by a drug-addicted, gambling, homeless, failed horse (and incidentally, nob) jockey by the name of Mr Pak Edward Nathanial Ham. Pakenham quickly rose as one of Victoria's most prosperous highway resorts. Some time later, human life began to evolve despite shithouse living conditions, baffling scientists.

In the year 1034 when the idea of "the dol" was introduced, Pakenham was chosen as the preferred place of weekly payment slips. 99% of Pakenham's population has since been "on the dol". The further 1% of the population is a family of serial killers, sentenced to life in Pakenham - a fate worse than death in most opinions.

It is highly illegal to live in Pakenham without at least 10 deadlocks on each door, and windows have been banned since the great Pakenham High School Massacres, where twenty Year Sevens cut up and ate their teachers, then killed pretty much everyone else. The mutilated bodies of the victims of the massacre are still a common sight in Pakenham, since everyone is too lazy to pick them up.

As to social gatherings, it has been argued that functions at the Millers' residence generally serve as the benchmark that all Pakwegians aim to emulate. A typical gathering usually consists of billowing toxic stench, terrible music, rabid dogs attacking passers-by, screaming illegitimate children, screaming ex-girlfriends (or their mothers), burning car wrecks, and foul mouthed language.

The achievements of Pakwegians are celebrated in the pages of the Herald Scum and/or A Current Affair only after a grisly murder is performed or when an assault on an innocent child occurs. Then, and only then, will the voice of truth- the Pakenham Gazette- sit up, take notice and record these events between the pages of 'On the land' and 'Letters to the editor'.


Sunny Pakenham hosts thousands of freight trucks and diesel-coated, sexually depraved truck drivers weekly.

Situated an hour southeast of Melbourne along the Princes Highway (called the Princes Highway to give Pakenham visitors a glimmer of hope before their entrance into hell), Pakenham offers a much needed comfort to the many couriers and freight trucks on their way to somewhere more interesting (i.e. anywhere else). Resting mercifully silent beneath the ravenous hills of Pakenham Upper, and slightly north of Koo Where Rup, the town will be forever etched into the repressed memories of the local school children and their parents - especially since the local steel works exploded violently, sending shards of various metals (predominantly steel) into many of them.

Pakenham is conveniently the last stop on the local train line to Melbourne, because the trains have to be burned once they have reached Pakenham's outer limits. It is a well-known fact that all passengers travelling to Pakenham by train will have a 90% chance of dying from what the Pakenham police describe as "innocent attempts to incorporate the unworthy".


Pakenham is represented by the Honourable Senator Daterape, whose name is endorsed through the actions of its residents. The town of Pakenham is still yet to have electricity and running water. Goon is the Local Alcohol Source in Pakenham. Nine times in ten you will see a bogan with a goon bag! The main form of transportation available to residents is early Model Holdens, preferred for their superior (indeed, fully sick) burnout performance.

Pakenham is more or less the home of Melbourne's bogan population. All residents of Pakenham speak in the Pakenham Bogan dialect, for example; "Aww ma gawd oi din' bluddy ring Sherrul!", "Speh sum bux mate? Missus jus' had her firty-fiff kid an' we're tryn' ta pay da olda chillun' to get on to pakky high for sum overdosin', to ligh'en da load!", "Pass us da chop man", "Wanna fiddy bag?", and "Jus' chillen man"

It should be added that Pakenham residents in fact have the lowest common sense rate of any town in Australia. It has been argued that this is exemplified by the in-bred Miller family, who work collectively as the town's mascot, the Pakenham Coach Potato (aka Mr Yakaboo).

  1. Safe from the potato festivals of their southern neighbours and the ridiculous name of Nar Nar Goon, Pakewegians often become involved in more customised traditions. Recently, these include taking place in the annual "Yakaboo" festival, in which the residents mull about attempting to ignore the eternally unknown reasons for the commotion. The local music, although containing neither melody or rhythm, has a certain sentimental value for those who have long left the area. This value is monetary, and is usually spent on dark blue "beaters" and football shorts, as per the upbringing of these Pakwegians.
  2. The Pakenham Show is also an annual event, with attendance poor due to the fact that it is horribly shit. In truth, the Pakenham Show is usually only a good excuse for getting pissed.
  3. Looking for a place to have a beer and a good meal? Try the Pakenham Inn, or the newly opened sushi bar! No matter which establishment you decide to eat at in Pakenham, the only meals you can eat are "chicken parma", or what some call "chicken in pyjamas" - a very sickening vision of 'food', where the name somewhat speaks for itself.
  4. Looking for some serious fun? Visit Pakenham Upper. It is here that the king of Pack-en-them-up-her resides and gathers with his loyal knights and knightesses to join in a jolly game of Shoot the Bogan every Saturday morning. This tradition is intended to keep the mutated half breeds away from the pristine hills of the superior beings.
  5. Pakenham is prized by serial rapists for its many grotty public toilet complexes.

Quick Statistics[edit]

Unemployment Rate: 21.6%

78.4% of Pakewegians are employed as bus drivers. Of these, 78% cannot drive buses. The remaining 0.4% are horses.

Average Age: unknown.

Pakenham is unique in being the only town in its area where everyone is at least a year older or younger than anyone else.

Population: unknown (real people).

As there is one person per year of age, one might assume there to be no more than 100 people. Unfortunately, there is far more. As for the average age, the remaining uncounted people cannot remember their age and therefore an accurate number cannot be estimated.

Average Income: unknown - See dole statistics.

When asked about their income, Pakewegians usually respond with something along the lines of "It wasn't moi fault. I jus' opened the door and income the horse."

Housing per capita: None.

Although owning houses, Pakewegians live in a permanent state of amnesia regarding the location of their homes, often resorting to uninvitedly living in the houses of those in nearby Berwick or Beaconsfield.

Police per capita 15

It is presumed in Pakenham that there is an abundance of policemen because of the constant sirens polluting the filthy Pakenham air. However, it must be said that at least half of these are permanently stationed at the house of the Moncktons, with the other half at the Millers

Capita per capita: None.

Capita is a British company, involved in outsourcing projects for the government. They are, redeemingly, not associated with Pakenham in any way.

Bogans:Real People Ratio 100:1

All Pakky People are mindless Bogans that spend 100% of their Centrelink money on slabs of VB (Victorian Bitter, aka Victorian Bogan Juice)

Nerds:Idiots 1:the rest of the population of Pakky. Most of these idiots just think they're really tough.

Average IQ N/A

The IQ test has been replaced in Pakky by the B.O.G.A.N test due to the lack of people getting a positive number on the test.

Average inhabitants per household This is impossible to determine due to the number of residents still living with their parents every few days when they return home from a 'bender' , or those who don't actually have a residence, instead migrating from house to house, helping themselves to food, cigarettes, and whatever drugs may happen to be around.

NOTE: There actually are people in Pakenham that break away from these stereotypes- about 0.1% of the population (still a number, although you will find most of these 0.1% are Pakenham Upper expatriates, who have either begrudgingly embraced the Pakwegian way of life in a process known as "Pakkification" or are waiting defiantly in limbo until their insides are torn out by the locals)

School Information[edit]

In between leisure periods, usually for only one or two hours per week, Pakwegian children and teenagers attend the local schools to have sex. Attendance rate per term is 8 half-days, when the drug-dealer takeover occurs. It is also highly illegal for girls aged 10-22 NOT to hang out the front of Coles, acting like skanky moles. Pakenham High School is home to a fucked up kid called the Battery Man, who goes to school to eat batteries and jump in the bin.