North Battleford

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North Battleford is a small village founded on the North Saskatchewan river after the intellectual cleansing of the City of Battleford in 1973. Early settlers were mostly mentally challenged and deranged individuals from the Battleford's Asylum for the Modestly Impaired. These hearty but half-witted souls, along with the local drunks and a few pot smokers that thought they were going to a love-in, waded across the pirhana infested waters of the North Saskatchewan river to freedom from thought.

It was on this site that later generations would erect the Seamen Memorial, a giant phallus in memory of the many Saskatchewan seamen lost prematurely in WWIII.


North Battleford has 164 permanent residents. The population has declined steadily since 1976, the year the Seamen Memorial was erected, due to the annual river crossing reunion.

Located in Saskatchewan, Canada, North Battleford is home to about 14,000 people, the population increases to about 25,000 on cheque day - where drunks and drug dealers are in the full swing of the basic principals of economics - supply & demand.

If you own a garbage truck - you can start making noise with your truck at about 6:30 a.m. regardless of what the noise by-law states.

On a daily basis - you can hear sirens going off on an hourly basis. It is a common occurance for people to engage in physically harming others, beatings, killings, lighting fires, and North Battleford also took gold status for the rate of crime for a city this size.

Apparently North Battleford City Hall has all the information you need about the City of North Battleford. No one has ever cared to access it but it does exist.

Children are permitted to run around without parental supervision, and dirty diapers can be found strewn all over the back alley adding to the aroma of the town.

According to the propaganda North Battleford is a great place to live. Many people who move there survive - a recent census showed its population had increased to 7,418,880. The less hardy often succumb to the sewage infested water, the overt racism and the insipid bureaucracy of the dog catcher and the bylaw control officer who are one and the same person. On any given day you can be fined for having a dog and parking your car outside your house. That's indeed a hallmark of a great place to live! In addition to this if there is a noisy crow nearby the dogcatcher will shoot the crow for you, improving any cats chance of getting "east danube" from eating the crow.


A small village founded on the North Saskatchewan river as a result of genetic cleansing experiments conducted in the City of North Battleford in 1973. At that time, mentally challenged refugees and mentally ill patients from the Insane Asylum were released and chased across the sewage infested waters to the north shore. There was also an estalished penal colony in the area, which was a successful colonial experiment. Intermarriage was common and the townspeople are descendants of these two cultural groups. No where is this more evident than in the town's catholic school division. The faculty retains many of the founding fathers' genetic markers; coarse facial hair, huge muscular arms, and a lack of cognitive capacity...this of course is the women, the men were eaten.

It was on this site that later generations would erect a giant erection to warn swimmers not to come. Billboards proudly proclaim the lack of tourist activities ...just keep driving - keep your head down and keep driving.


Most children are self-taught, however, many residents, those especially feeble-minded, allow the Catholic School Board to eradicate all signs of creativity and imagination from their children. For those children whose parents who survived the hollowcost there is a IB school, but who really cares? The school systems approach to deaducation ensures their children will get through grade one.

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