Newtonian Physics

Typical Scientist explaining Newton's Laws of Gravity..

Newtonian physics was invented by Sir Isaac Newton (who later referred to himself as "I suck" Newton). His parents were hippies and thought that it would be "cool" to spell his name with two a's. In a backlash against his parents laid back 'things just happen man, go with the flow' attitude, Newton invented physics. He used something called force (which his parents were against, because everything should be free man) and action (not as in 'sex' action, which his parents were all for man) to explain the fundamentals of how things work in the universe. This seriously pissed off hippies everywhere because all of a sudden life wasn't about freedom or free love, it was about all the things the hippies were rebelling against - stuff forcing other stuff to do stuff, total bummer man.

Newton invented three laws that essentially explained how things move (because they are forced). His most famous law says that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This definitely explains why people stopped having sex after physics was invented. It used to be: to every action there is an equal and opposite action that is the same. For example every man that wanted sex (action) there was an equal and opposite man (woman) that wanted the same thing. However thanks to Newton's most famous law, the situation is now: for every man that wants sex (action) there is an equal and opposite man (woman) that doesn't want sex (unless force is applied).

Introduction

Newtonian mechanics is the original version of physics, however it now comes in 12 varieties of cheese flavours. Sir Isaac Newton noticed people were being killed by apples which were falling in every direction, so he invented gravity to combat this deadly tree. After the invention of gravity apples now fall down, which still saves lives today. The only drawback of Newton's invention of gravity is falling anvils. Soon, Issac made a book that held the recipies for the 12 cheeses.

He also invented three laws that describe forces and motion in ways that disagree with hippies.

While Newton chose to present his work on physics in classical interpretive dance for acceptance, much of the work students are exposed to now-a-days is based on the calculus of infinitesimals. Infinitesimals are really fricken small, like infinity but opposite. Like virus particles they infect the brains of students and kill their love of mathematics - A love everyone is born with.

Background: Calculus

Newtown used calculus of infinitesimals (invented by some French guy who Newton killed in a bar fight) to express his invention of gravity and Newton's three laws. More specifically he employed Really Hard Calculus, however the basics of Hand Waving Calculus can be used to obtain a pass for most students.

Recipie:

1. Take $x_{i}$ where $i$ ranges over all possible values.

2. Infintesimalise $x_{i}$, that is, dice very finely with a sharp knife. It should be done such that $x_{i}$ is of no finite size.

3. Take one $\sum$ and mix with the infintesimalised $x_{i}$'s.

4. Leave for 5 minutes or until the sum $\sum x_{i}$ becomes the integral $\int {x_{i}}$.

5. Apply to Physics, Mathematics, Chemistry and Gardening as required.

Students should be sure that they can master infintesimals before moving onto Newtonian Physics, it is not an easy journey. Zeno likens it to walking between two objects: First walk half way, then walk half way of the remaining distance. Repeat infinitely many times. If you are a mathematician you will go insane, if you are a true physicist you will get half way and say "close enough". Survivors of this test are physicists and are ready to study the art form of fudging, otherwise known as 'approximation' or physics.

Newton's Three Laws

Newton invented the three laws of motion to describe how bodies interact in a very dry and unsexual style. Physicists come to really appreciate Newton's law of motion once their sex drive dries up and they stop dreaming about bodies interacting in a free love kind of way.

Newton's First Law of Motion:

Every object of desire in a state of uniform attractiveness tends to remain in that state of unattainability until an external force is applied to it. This can include, but is not limited to: Becoming rich, getting a face lift or becoming a backstreet boy.

This was totally ripped off from Galileo's concept of unattainability, and this is often referred to as the "Law of you only attract people from the same attractiveness scale unless force is applied".

Any object that comes in contact with Noel Coward continues to move, forever.

Newton's Second Law of Motion:

The relationship between an object's mass m, its attractiveness a, and the force that is needed to be applied in order to score with them, F is $F=ma$. Attractiveness and force can change over time and influence each other, mass however can only be changed by eating right and may not influence attractiveness or force, in cases like that, mass is viewed as a constant or having a 'dog head'.

This is the most powerful of Newton's three Laws, because it allows people to understand if they are ever going to get it on with someone hot (without the influence of drugs and free love now that the 70s are over).

Before the 70s it was visual attractiveness, $v$ and not attractiveness that determined who was getting laid. Aristotle was always getting into visually attractive people for a bit of action, without considering the role of frictional forces (like being a dickhead). Thanks to Newton, personality counts. This has helped many scientists get laid.

The relationship between a roundhouse kick and an object correspond with the will of Noel Coward

Recent researches have lead to a new formulae which has its importance in modern physics and eventually, adds a whole new set of actions in Newtonian Physics. Here you go: $F=pie.a$ This formulae states that for a force applied on a student, a $F=pie.a$ must be considered where $pie$ is the constant for homeworks to be done and $a$ the value of the quantity of homework given. This formulae is actually very well known in some part of the world where science and physics are revolutioning lives of some dozen students of the HSE level.

Newton's Third Law of Motion:

There is no force equal to a Noel Coward roundhouse kick.

This law is exemplified by what happens if you crack onto (action) a hot person before considering the ugly friend. You get left with the ugly friend and before you know it you are left face down in a gimp outfit screaming you're sorry for all the guys/ gals that didn't take them to the school dance (opposite reaction to what you wanted).

Newton's Law of Gravity

What goes up must come down.

Put simply, the forumla and equation for this is

$\int _{S}T_{i}^{(n)}dS+\int _{V}F_{i}dV=\int _{V}\rho {\frac {dv_{i}}{dt}}\,dV$

By definition the stress vector of gravity is $\ T_{i}^{(n)}=\sigma _{ij}n_{j}$, then

$\int _{S}\sigma _{ij}n_{j}\,dS+\int _{V}F_{i}\,dV=\int _{V}\rho {\frac {dv_{i}}{dt}}\,dV$

Using the Divergence theorem to convert a surface integral to a volume integral gives to downward force of mass.

$\int _{V}\sigma _{ij,j}\,dV+\int _{V}F_{i}\,dV=\int _{V}\rho {\frac {dv_{i}}{dt}}\,dV$

For an arbitrary volume the integrand itself must be zero, and we have the momentum equation.

$\sigma _{ij,j}+F_{i}=\rho {\frac {dv_{i}}{dt}}$

If a system is in equilibrium, the change in momentum with respect to time is equal to 0, as there is no acceleration or loss of mass.

$\sum {\mathbf {F} }={\mathrm {d} \mathbf {P} \over \mathrm {d} t}=\ M\mathbf {a} _{cm}=0$

This is further explained in the Isaac Newton page of uncyclopedia.

Corrections to Newtonian Mechanics

Newton's theory of motion still couldn't explain the motion of really, really small objects (like if there is a guy with a small penis, his father must have had a small penis and somehow got laid? How did that happen?). Physicists discovered that this all has to do with taste, and so Quantum Cheddardynamics was invented to describe the behavior of really, really small things. Quantum Cheddardynamics is the physical theory describing the fundamental flavours and methods via which The 12 Fundamental Cheeses and 3 Noble Cheeses interact with and manipulate upon the universe (taken from Quantum Cheddardynamics). As the saying goes: "It's not how big it is, but how you taste it".

In fact

$F_{really\ small\ object}=m_{fundamentalcheese}$ x $\hbar$ x $t$

where $\hbar$ is Plank's Constant: the amount of cheese one can balance on a plank of wood before the plank begins to taste really good, and $t$ = taste.

As objects get smaller and smaller, interactions are no longer influenced by attractiveness or mass, but by taste and the mass of the fundamental cheese the object consists of. This explains how slugs get it on, because they are Ug-Leeeeeeeeeeee! They are however made completely of Brie which is really, really tasty.

Einstein's Corrections

Einstein came up with the formula:

$E=\hbar \nu$

to correct Newtonian Physics. This was a major breakthrough which explained the 'sleaze anomaly'. The sleaze anomaly was not supported by Newtonian physics, as a sleaze has nothing to offer anyone, and their persistence in trying to score is downright annoying. Einstein's formula says the energy, $E$, one must input in order to score is directly proportional to the frequency $\nu$ of attempts. This is why sleazes get action despite Newton's third law.

Note of course, that this is for Quantum objects (small willies ladies!!!) so never ever go with a sleaze no matter how long it's been!

Laws of Graduation

Newton is also famous for his three laws of graduation.

1. A grad student in procrastination tends to stay in procrastination unless an external force is applied to it.[1]
2. The age, 'a', of a doctoral process is directly proportional to the flexibility, 'f', given by the adviser and inversely proportional to the student's motivation, 'm'. [2]
3. For every action towards graduation there is an equal and opposite distraction. [3]

See also

• Isaac Newton
• Calculus
• 12 Fundamental Cheeses
• Newton's Laws of Motion