Nazi cow

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“Die Kuh fliegt über den Mond.”

~ SpongeBob SquarePants

You’ll get to know Nazi cows by their distinctive trade mark©.

“Yeah right, damn cow just freakin' subjugated Europe's Pastures and made Überkäse.

~ Dwight D. Eisenhower on Hitler's Milker.


The Nazi Cows are marching toward Paris, their udders literally ready to burst Cheezism.

You might have seen them, marching around in their green pastures, their superior überkuhness just exuding from their udders. These are no ordinary cows, they are known as Nazi cows in England and by Bessie in the USA. Every Nazi cow can be distinguished from a normal cow by their Nazi swastikas so blatantly embossed by MS Paint.

Uncyclopedia makes many claims based on racial superiority but cows are a species unto itself, so it makes them even more Lenny Kravitz.

Rise to Power[edit]

This cow is preparing to huff this cat, the source of their ultimate power.

Nazi cows were created by German genetic engineers and designed to keep moral high by providing the troops with un-pasteurized, non-homogeneous cream for their coffee, and frothy milk for their Oreos. Because of their seemingly innocuous power and quality product, they became exalted within the German ideal of “Gemütlichkeit.’’ However, Emo-Hitler was really uninterested in Nazi cows because of his Zyban and huff addiction (God it eases the pain doesn’t it? yeah, what a freakin' rush man) but nevertheless enjoyed their fresh milk warmed because it increased his mellowness.

The Nazi cows then unabashedly procreated and began to mount their victims and amass their cheesy milk bags to start their rise to domination over pastures, cow penis, cheese factories, Wisconsin, and the stinky cheese fields of southern France, north west Germany, and Belgium, which incidentally is a protectorate of the Nazi cow nation, because their Frenchness adds a certain je ne sais what the fuck to the milk mash as its fermentation reaffirms their power. [1]

Encountering a Nazi cow[edit]

This is a nazi hambuger

If a Nazi cow approaches you, embrace the cow with the sacred methodology, laid out in the Bible. You won’t stand a chance of getting an autograph when they attack you with the flying udder of fury. However, cow knuckles are not really good for giving autographs, so don't mention this ad to them and receive 20% off your next purchase of skim milk. Beefsticks and cherries don’t really work when attracting them either. They hate the French[2], so if you are of that persuasion, be warned. They will subjugate their prey with ‘’Got Milk’’ TV spots, and then they wipe out their enemies with a smear campaign against Lactose Free materials and their ultimate foe and nemesis, Soy Milk.

The muzzle velocity of a single round from her charged udder is “Whole Milk” and if you are lucky, the 2% shot won’t go bad in two weeks.

Nazi cows and the US[edit]

The US is a tolerating country except when it comes to its own people, the rest of the civilized world, PETA,and P.A.L.K. (People Against Lenny Kravitz) But when their all caring spiritual leader the da freakin' Pope found out about the Nazi cows and the lack of support from within the UN, (their Pasture lands were being preemptivly invaded) he was frankly pissed. The Nazi cows he said, are the best worshippers he has ever had, because in addition to their faith, they make damn fine cheese steaks when they die. The Nazi-Cow with their superior ‘’Überkäse’’[3] and tender moist cow flesh, make the best sandwiches known to man[4]. To say any Nazi cow is tainted with pestilence, this foul so genannte ‘’Mad Cow Disease’’ is preposterous and is the beginnings of a cacophony of bullshit, propagated by the Communism Bull to discredit die froehliche Nazi Kuh.

The Nazi cow ideology[edit]

Gettin' ‘em while they are young and supple makes their personality and blind idealism more tender and easier to digest.

The Nazi cow ideology, known as Cheezism is pretty simple. Countless cows from America and especially those in England are steadily joining the ranks. The bottom line with this ideology is that these bovine fountains of cool creamy milk want their gallons of creamy supremacy to be the most widely drunk liquid on the face of the earth, a so called “Third Gallon” if you will. Their ideology is also based partly in the fact that they believe that milk builds strong bones. "Got Milk" is a propaganda campaign aimed to increase the drinkers of the highly addictive, slightly psychotropic lactic liquid. Mothers all over the world have been proliferating this idea for centuries. It's a Holy Drink and shouldn't be left in the light, or in the open air. Part of the Nazi Kuh ideology is to trample any non believer and lactose intolerant humans or kittens. Excommunication from the Nazi Kuh herd, and curdled milk baths are just some of the punishments that the Nazi Cow can levy against you.

Chick Fill-a Billboards and their peanut oiled, pH skewed, non-hypoallergenic slabs of pickle endowed chicken breasts, with or without fries, are also an integral part of their ideology. Each Chick Fill-a is an outlet for their power-mongering. Do you remember ever seeing a Beef Fill-a? No! Because we all know, the Nazi cows have the market under hoof and teat, well secured and a matter of national security to these bovine bessies. [5]

Notes and References[edit]

  1. Coward
  2. Q: Why do Frenchmen have moustaches? A: To remind them of their mothers.
  3. Super Cheese is so powerful, it exudes power and melts like a Sunday morning fuck after a hot breakfast and eggs benedict
  4. Personal communication with Reichsmarshall Kuh-Rommel
  5. You'll do well to drink your milk, straight from the source if you can, it's the new beer bong.