Max Payne Teaches Typing
“i got them braindawgs!”
“Max! Dearest of all my friends!”
“F**k off Payne!”
The serial hit follow up the famed third-person shooter series Max Payne, Max Payne Teaches Typing occurs in the space between Max Payne and The Fall of Max Payne. The game itself was released to much acclaim, however was eclipsed entirely by Xenu Teaches Typing, a Scientology-based typing tutor in which you dispel your Body Thetans.
About Max Payne
Max Payne is emo. I mean, can you blame him? He was framed for the murder of his best friend after his wife and kid were killed by a bunch of angry tolls, which caused him to become perminantly constipated. He was miserable all the time. Sometimes he was seeing weird dreams about, how he runs on blood vessels. Sometimes those dreams were about his wife, and he killed her, the dumbass. Would you kill your wife for some chick you just met after you thought she was dead for 4 years?! COME ON!!!!!!! He was thinking about his wife and child.(They got killed by Viagra mobsters) Which led him to be hooked on Kitten Huffing, sometimes causing him to think time slows down. He also enjoys large quantities of painkillers. (Man this guy's fucked up.) Max Payne was adopted by Major Payne. As Major Payne had no time deal with Max, Max got miserable and started talking with himself. All this would add up to him getting locked up in the loony bin if he wasn't cool as shit. Also, he kept going into bullet time whenever mental health professionals tried to jacket him.
Max Payne has been working the desk since the end of Max Payne, when a case comes across his desk. Vladimir, his friend and ally, has gone missing. Max, sensing that he can repay a favour, takes the case and sets off to find Vlad. Shortly after arriving at Vlad's office at Club Vodka, it becomes increasingly apparent that Vlad has been drugged in an attempt to dispel his empire of organized crime, with a link to the drug Valkyre, of Max Payne fame. It's not long before Max is chasing the keepers of the green sludge through the subway system before he falls victim to the drug, leading to a two level series of drug trip, which is largely considered the most artistic and beautiful section of the game. Shortly after escaping his mental demons, Max unravels the riddles in his mind, attaching the movements against Vlad to the Mob who has picked up the evil V as a method of control. Max goes to confront the man behind the plan and rescue Vlad, for a finale that is not to be missed.
Each level is approximately 15 minutes long, for a total of 10 levels with two secret levels. The game follows a scrolling track, in which each obstacle is labelled with a series of letters or numbers. Clearing each object (or enemy) moves the player one step closer to the final ending. Each stage ends with a short test of the skills in that level, such as the homerow or short sentences. The game maintains the "bullet time" effect, allowing for the player to slow down difficult sets of obstacles.
- Level 0: Jail Rape(See Easter Eggs)
- Level 1: Homerow
- Level 2: Extended Homerow
- Level 3: Two-Finger Sets
- Level 4: Verb Conjugation
- Level 5: Basic Sentences
- Level 6: Puncuation
- Level 7: Numbers
- Level 8: Shift-Keys
- Level 9: Advanced Sentences
- Level 10: ???
- Level 11: PROFIT!(See Easter Eggs)
The following are snipits from some of the final tests.
The floors creaked an age of suffering under my feet,
the door to Vlad's office pouring out light beneith
it. Like a burgler on the prowl, I opened the door.
The room was empty, like so many shotglasses in my
past. A singular light glared in the corner, over
a broken typewriter. I gazed over his writing, an
insight into his madness:
fad fag hag gad lad mad rad sad and keg pad had
head geak deaf leaf beef lead held heal kale
His writings revealed nothing but what I knew.
Vlad had to be around here somewhere, but
where would I find the mad russian?
My muscles ached of a thousand pains to come,
and the pounding in my head was only getting louder.
The green devil danced in my veins, showing me
A green flashing line indicates for me to type.
The moments between now and then are blurred
Billy takes his bike to the store. Sally enjoys
playing soccer. When it rains, I stay inside.
The monkey throws the ball to the chimp.
The images twist in my head, and all I can do
is watch as the forms shift in shape and colour...
He breaths heavy. I can't see him, but I can hear
him. My heart pounds in my ears, drowning out
everything but him and I.
"You'll never get me, Payne!" A bullet flies
over my shoulder, soaring harmlessly into the abyss
below me. Looking down is like looking into myself:
an empty nothingness with the sparkle of passing cars.
"You can't run forever, Vinny." I can barely lift my arms,
each step more laboured than the last. The Valkries storm
through my blood, liberating my senses from their mortal
coil. The abyss crawls up to get me. I almost welcome it's
cold embrace. The cold steel foundation below us calls to
me, like a Siren to a sailor. The irony is not lost.
Uber Secret Level
I was in bed. I felt emoness taking me over. I went to my computer
and looked at Teen Titans Hentai until i had wanked my computer
screen full. Then i went to the television.
I laughed my ass off.
Then suddenly, my phone rang,
only for me to get the message
"WAZAAAAAAAAAP WAZAZAZASZZAAAAAP WAZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!!!!!!!!"
Enough of this boring talk. I needed some pointless action.
I knew a guy, he worked in the Gayyeddy Gayo Gay bar.
He could supply me with guns. His name was.... Chuck Norris...
I went there, and he gave me a Desert Eagle.
Then, i went to the 1337 N3RT B4r. I met with the cruelest of them all,
"u83R K1113R 81FF H4NZ3N B4NZ3N G0R(H 8USH S3N10R JUN10re"
He said "W7F 1Z U D01n H3r3??? u TRYN4 P331 MY H03Z Fr0m M33 N08ZHTA?
I didn't know what the f*** he just said,
but as my Uber Max Payne Super Hyper Ultra
Mega Giga tremendous NYPD Magic 1337 George Bush
instincts told me, it wasn't anything nice.
I quickly fled, only to see a unconcious woman outside.
I knew that face. She was Starfire from Teen Titans.
I quickly f***ed her and fled in my Uber gangsta lowrider.
- If you type espanol as your name at the options screen, everything will turn to French
- To unlock Level 11: PROFIT!, you must buy the game on Level 4, then type "play", and then play the game until you reach Level 4 again, buy the game, type "play" once more, play until level 4, buy the game, type "play", play until level 4, buy the game, type "play", play until level 4, buy the game, type "play", play until level 4, buy the game, type "play", play until level 3, buy the game, type "play", play until level 4, buy the game, type "blow me", breath, play until level 4, buy the game, type "gay", play until level 13, buy the game, type "play", play until level 4, buy the game, type "play", play until level 4, buy the game, type "play", then stand on your head and realize that you really just bought the game 5000 times and now your broke. Level 11 will then automaticaly load up. All it really is is just the developers dancing in the money they just made off of you.
- Developers state that if you type in Max Payne anytime ingame, the level will end. This is true, but it's just easier to unplug the computer.