Max Clifford
“If Max Clifford is meant to be such a great spin merchant for celebrities, why does everybody think he's a cunt?”
Max "I Never Go Anyway without My Nasal Hair Trimmer" Clifford was born on 15 April, 1950, to Fanny Craddock and Father Ted Crilly. His job today is 'PR Guru', with a job specification that is kept deliberately hidden from public view, since anyone catching sight and understanding even a minor proportion of the total vacuity of Max Clifford's life is likely to implode so violently, and create a black hole so powerful, that the entire visible universe is at risk.
It has been speculated that perhaps PR stands for 'Pretty Rancid', or 'Purposely Repulsive' as that's the sort of 'celebrity' he has to deal with to line his pockets with gold bullion, magazines about small boys and pornography.
Early life[edit]
Life was not kind to Max Clifford when he was a child; karma in action. He was bullied by all of his classmates (who bore striking resemblances to Father Dougal McGuire) and by his teacher, who people swore looked like Father Jack Hackett. His schooldays were spent mostly locked in a cupboard or getting his head rammed into a flushing toilet while being penetrated with a rolled-up copy of Titbits; still, could have been worse, eh?
At the age of 15, Max Clifford decided that enough was enough, and that he wanted to make something of his life. Fate, however, had other ideas (including several that are just to horrific to mention): having neither looks, friends, knowledge, qualifications, or any redeming qualities, it made him the perfect choice to empathise with minor UK celebrities and willing media jackals. Though unable to read or write, he soon learned the simple recipe that lies at the heart of celebrity culture: persuade undereducated and desperate borderline psychotics details of their pitiful and sordid lives, and then sell them to major tabloids and/or celebrity magazines for obscene amounts of money. His most famous scoop to date has been the infamous Sun newspaper headline "Freddie Starr Ate My Pizza', although he has also played a leading role in some other crowning achievements of humanity, such as the downfall of David Mellor via the instrument of Antonia de Sanchez, and the media career of ex-MP and bung-takers David and Christine Hamilton.
Just What IS a PR Guru?[edit]
Nobody knows really. It's something to do with selling stories to newspapers that, although on the surface could be detrimental to someone's celebrity career and would make any normal person die of embarrassment, just gives them plenty of media attention, raises their profile, and ends up making them more popular than ever. If the term 'PR Guru' is looked up in the dictionary, the following definitions are offered:
- Flogger of dead horses, show ponies and related equine fecal matter.
- Metaphorically defecating on the graves of those passed.
- Stripping away every shred of dignity from anyone or anything with which one is involved.
- Ability to spew incomprehensible amounts of verbal bullshit about not much at all.
- Transforming Jade Goody from a damaged and vulnerable human being into a cartoon hate figure before finally dying a horrific and public death from cervical cancer.
Other Hobbies[edit]
In his spare time, Max Clifford can be seen down the local cemetary regularly dancing and then pissing on the graves of the celebrity deceased.
He is also a keen 'Dogger' (For those unfortunate enough to not be from the UK...how on earth do you know who this awful man is, let alone what dogging is?) For those outside the UK, dogging is the term for assaulting and raping small dogs.
Previous careers[edit]
Max Clifford's first job was as a morris dancer. He charged 5p a minute to dance on the graves of the recently deceased, or the weakened, emaciated near-corpses of the terminally ill in hospital.
After this, Clifford's job was in a retirement home. The time spent among people whose existence was becoming more and more pointless despite their former glories, inspired Clifford in his eventual PR Guru position. However, he failed to spot the fact that the elderly actually HAD a previous life and something to be proud of, and as such, most of his clients have done absolutely nothing at all to benefit anybody.
Surgical Procedures[edit]
Clifford has had the following brain functions permanently removed:
- Shame
- Honour
- Morality
- Decency
- Integrity
It is believed his "greed" gland has been surgically enhanced, along with his "I'm a massive cunt" gland (although I might have just made that last bit up (although it's most likely to be true)).
Etymology[edit]
'Clifford' has now become a more offensive swear word than it's other C counterpart, Cunt. If you call someone a 'Fucking Clifford' expect to be glassed in the face and stamped repeatedly on your head until your skull splinters.