Dick-sucking contest
“This is no longer a hobby”
“I'll enter as long as there's no liberals, they don't deserve me.”
A dick-sucking contest is the term for an act of competition between two or more individuals in the same vein as Rochambeau and a coin flip.
However, the key difference between a dick-sucking contest and the aforementioned is that this contest is usually done to win the favor of a superior of some kind, rather than make a decision between multiple parties.
The dick-sucking contest is a time-honored tradition, going back thousands of years and spanning every civilization that has even existed. Though the goals if the contestants vary in every competition, the method has remained virtually unchanged since the dawn of man.
Today, dick-sucking contests are most prominent in corporate offices, courts of law, government institutions, and birthday parties. Contrary to popular belief, it is not shown as a pornographic act because the participants usually are not very attractive.
Preparation[edit]
For whatever reason two mortals engage in this form of combat, they must first assume the position before their superior. The superior is known this point forward as The Judge, since he decides the winner. Though there are slight variations, the basic accepted position is as follows.
- Competitors kneel down so their eyes are in line with their belt buckle.
- Hands either behind back, on knees, or on the hips of The Judge, according to the preference of the judge.
- Mouth agape, tongue over bottom teeth to provide a cushion.
The Judge may either be sitting or standing for this competition. If said Judge is a midget, they may have to either stand on a desk or table or the competitors may get on their hands and knees. All of these are at the discretion of The Judge.
From here, either The Judge or an assistant will examine the mouths of the competitors. The mouth of a good dick-sucker must be free of sores and cankers, well flossed and brushed, without abrasive dental appliances, and preferably minty fresh. Bits of food, braces, and/or a nasty tongue may instantly disqualify a competitor.
The assistant who examines the mouths of the competitors may be another underling of The Judge, a colleague or friend who asked to observe the ritual, or even a former Judge himself. The last of which may have been The Judge of a competition the current Judge may have won.
The Competition[edit]
Once the competitors have passed oral inspection, the competition is underway. The Judge will choose which of the competitors go first. The chance to go first is coveted amongst competitors, because, unless the first competitor is bad at this, often The Judge may be too tired for the second competitor and will feel as if he wants to take a nap or a relaxing shower.
The Judge will extend the judging stick, henceforth referred to as a dick, into the mouth of the competitor. The competitor will use any tactics they can to draw fluid from the dick. Experienced competitors can bring the dick into their esophagus for an easy and quick release while new and/or clumsy ones may fumble and lose their hold on it or may even allow it to scrape their teeth. The latter of which is often an instant disqualification.
The performance that pleases The Judge the most wins.
Variations and Similar Competitions[edit]
One variation is the ass-kissing contest. In this competition, both competitors can compete at the same time and the goal is not to provide gratification, but to prove loyalty. The victor is usually the sole competitor that accepts the challenge or, if more competitors accept, the one who kisses ass the most. This is often a tactic utilized by more elderly Judges who can no longer properly handle their judging sticks.
Since the Women's Liberation movement, there are more women in seats of power and thus, a new offshoot of the dick-sucking contest. While no official name has caught on because of the rarity of such competition, either due to the frigidity and/or appearance of The Judge or because of lack of interest in judging such a competition, the term rug-munching contest is universally accepted as a proper name.
Though not a competition, Screwing Your Teacher has similar goals. Famous incidents include the Mary Kay LeTourneau case and the Debra LaFave case. A student will either offer sexual services to a teacher or will be offered sexual services by a teacher.