Laws of Science Fiction

The laws of Science Fiction were invented by the early authors of science fiction. They were primarily made by the Overlord Council of Literature as a way to get the new science fiction genre information out of the way, because it was Beer Night. They were mainly written by Oscar Wilde, or maybe Isaac Asimov, who were both prominent leaders of the OCL. The laws were edited in 1987 by Gisano Bisirappi, a prominent burrito dealer. Today they are spread around all around the Internet because of annoying bloggers who constantly need to express their opinion and can't keep their stupid mouths shut. Even now, any attempted work of science fiction that does not follow these laws is considered rubbish and is instantly vaporized.

The Laws

The First Law

All science shall take place either in the past, the third millenium, or a parallel universe. It will never happen during the reader's lifetime, so that the reader has no way of knowing that the author never really bothered visiting an ultra time portal. Also, the reader will never find out that the future will not really have laser bots, spaceships, metal bikinis, light sabers, and ultra time portals. The future, in fact, will be more bleak, and will instead have big cockroaches and Soma junkies.

The Second Law

All space society will fall back into a monarchy. There will never be any president, even if he is a robot. Also, the monarchy is always evil. The hero's quest will be solely to destroy the monarchy. The universe will be ruled over by an emperor who makes very little contact with other people. The emperor will always have an evil prince or baron, who will be not as evil as the emperor, but still pretty mean. The emperor will always be something you do not expect, usually something frail. Most of the time it is a squid made of space goo. After the monarchy is destroyed, the story usually ends and nobody really knows what happens to society after that.

Corollary: The Monarchistic government will be plagued by a large, powerful, and rebellious faction of dissidents, who have amassed a rather astonishing force with which to overthrow their nefarious dictator. Their resources, in fact, are so in depth, that victory truly seems a possibility. Somehow, the government hasn't noticed any of this.

The Third Law

All of the content of the universe in the story will be alien or unusual. Hardly any action of the story will actually happen on the Earth that we know. People will still talk English, and also various other weird languages that all sound alike and equally stupid. There will be various aliens, which are all inexplicably anthropomorphic, except they will have five stomachs and one lung. Also, all normal names and proper nouns will be substituted by odd alien names, like "Gjirfxnatl".

The Fourth Law

Someone at some point will scream "Noooooooooooo!" for no less than 5 seconds. Typically this will happen when a main character that everyone likes dies. (However, it is often screamed by the listless nerds who are still trying to edit out the most annoying character, who is often mistaken to be the comic relief… see The Fifth Law)

The Fifth Law

There must be some form of comic relief. This character cannot be human. He/She/It must talk in either an intelligible language or have a high-pitched voice. The most "comic" factor would be the fact that they are different from you. Yes, difference should be mocked and laughed at! Notable examples of comic relief are Jar Jar Binks and George W. Bush.

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The Sixth Law

There must always be at least one humanoïd girl wearing an outfit covering less than 20 square inches of her body.

The Seventh Law

The protagonist and most important character will always be a whiny teenager or some other unlikely hero type. Red shirts (and in some cases even high ranking scientists or generals) will die so that he may live. He cannot be hit in combat, even by super-elite enemy troopers or pilots. If they even get a target-lock on him, a Han Solo or Wedge type character will always save him at the last minute. This character will always become more famous and prestigious than everyone else around him despite the fact that he may be surrounded by older, more experienced characters. "It is his DESTINY!"

This character was born with God-Mode despite the fact that he has no idea of what to do with it. He spends too much time whining and wondering if the red haired girl likes him too. Also, God help the character who serves as the mentor to this hero-type. He must die for dramatic purposes! All of this comes from Bruce Campbell's book, The Hero of with a Hundred Thousand Hit Points.

The Final Law

What goes around, comes around. Like a Ford Pinto on a roundabout.

Corollary: The main villain or one of the villains main underlings will come to an ironic end first foreshadowed in the first fifteen minutes of the film. People watching the movie for the first time will almost always forget this, but when rewatching, they will notice this. They will then blather about this for another ten minutes, spoiling the film for their friends and disrupting them from it as well.

Notable Exceptions

None of these laws apply in Soviet Russia, because there, Science Fiction obeys YOU!

Many good science fiction movies use tactics to avoid one or more of these laws. Like where...um...I'll sleep on it.