Kickboxing
The title of this article should be Җickboxing, though actually it should be a backwards facing K. For optimum viewing, take a screenshot and reverse the image in your preferred photo editing program. This is not associated in any way with Chuck Norris' Kickboxing. Consume within 3 days of opening.
Kickboxing is an ancient art dating back to the 1998's. Its origins are unclear, however some experts believe it was founded in a small village in the Dominican Republic named Unununium, now renamed Roentgenium.
Kickboxing has often been thought of as boxing with the lower ends of the limbs which enable bipedal locomotion, colloquially called "feet". Recent discoveries in the field of organic chemistry has proven this to not be the case. Rather, kickboxing is the art of punching to techno sound waves emitting from a central compact disc speaker system.
The Reason Why Kickboxing Involves No Kicking Or Boxing[edit]
Not all historians believe on the one theory. Some believe it is a mere translation error, others believe it is rather the words for "kicking" and "boxing" are wrong. At a recent conference on the matter, one expert presented his theory that it might just be "irony in a poorly written Uncyclopedia article".
The President of the Kickboxing Federation has been asked on many occasions, but has been unavailable for contact after last seen laughing uncontrollably rolling around a mountain of gold plated diamonds.
All Kickboxing Instructors are sworn to secrecy as they are initiated into the Kickboxing Federation (see below), making it particularly hard to find the one true meaning of this question.
Kickboxing Instructor School And Possible Side Effects[edit]
No ordinary person can become a Kickboxing Instructor. One must go through many operations and tests until admitted into the school. Most people who come out of the Institute, as it is known, appear to have memory loss and do not recall any events prior to their initiation. Leaked documents show nothing much, as they are water logged - even after long exposure to air.
Do not use before operating heavy machinery. May cause possible side effects such as Uncyclopedia articles and self references and self references to self references.
Kick boxing is not a real sport.
The Foam Sponge Incident[edit]
As there is so much secrecy surrounding Kickboxing and the Institute, there was a study to test the well being of a few subjects who wanted nothing more than to be Kickboxing Instructors.
The subjects were young men between the ages 18-20 upon entering the Institure. These subjects graduated a mere 2 years later looking of about 80 years of age. After a series of tests, the subjects had claimed they were grandfathers that had been teaching Kickboxing for 43 years.
The subjects appeared to be average intelligence for their real ages, and were compliant with the tests. One notable exception was once researchers began asking questions about why kickboxing involves no kicking or boxing. The subjects were then extremely edgy and quickly fashioned weapons out of test tubes and foam sponges.
54 repeater researchers unfortunately lost 53.33 repeater souls in the incident. The researchers then decided to give up their jobs of researchography and move into the mathematics profession.
How To Spot Kickboxing Instructors[edit]
Kickboxing Instructors are normally wearing "sporting" attire, the current trend being an Australian Team Representative jacket. The quaterly journal, Kickboxing Instructor's Monthly, offers a fine selection of such attire, which is meant to show Kickboxing prowess. It can be bought for 0.99c from all good retailers.
As Kickboxing does not actually involve kicking or boxing, Kickboxing Instructors normally wear thongs. Kickboxing Instructors also travel in packs to hunt down their prey. Exercise caution when around people you suspect to be Kickboxing Instructors.
What To Do When The Unthinkable Happens (You Are Confronted By A Kickboxing Instructor)[edit]
Remember to not aggregate the Kickboxing Instructor further. These are all highly disturbed individuals that will spontaneously combust as their ignition temperatures lower during this highly unstable period in between reactants and products.
It must be emphasised, do NOT under any circumstances ask why Kickboxing does not involve any kicking or boxing. Under standard laboratory conditions this phenoemon is extremely difficult to contain, and must not be attempted at a place of residence, unless under supervision of an approved goldfish.
Do NOT attempt to reason with a Kickboxing Instructor. They will stop at nothing to punch along to techno sound waves with foam sponges. Once in this situation, one must run towards the nearest emergency exit as indicated by the illuminated lights on the floor.
Right, So Now I'm In The Unthinkable Situation And Have An Internet Connection, What Do I Do?[edit]
Extensive testing has prove that the fastest way to have a Kickboxing Instructor contained is to simply kick - as in actually kick with your "foot" - to any part on the person. Kickboxing Instructors will be unable to comprehend the complexity of the move, and hence have its bonds either partially or completely broken. This reduces the activation energy, and hence more collision happen at the same temperature. More collisions means more successful reactions happening between the reactants, and thus a faster rate of reaction. This sudden outburst of heat and light will cause an explosion. Only perform this lethal maneuver with protective goggles and promotional wristbands.
Kickboxing and Kickboxing Instructors are highly unstable, and will form hydroxides upon contact with water. Be careful with the emitting sparks. Kickboxing Instructors are everywhere, but as long as they are not aggravated, they can safely exist within the community, dragging down literacy rates in countries around the world.