Field Marshal The Right Honorable Lord Dr. Joseph-Ignace Guillotine, VC, KG (28 May 1738, Saintes – 26 March 1814, Paris) is a well known Jew and reformer of the 19th century. He is widely recognized as the inventor of the Guillotine and is also responsible for the spread of circumcision through his long career. Other honors include his translation of the Kama Sutra as well as his defeat of Dr. Whoopass. While his death is shrouded in mystery, he is considered by many to be on of the most imminent physicians and inventors of modern history.
Lord Guillotine was born Simon Optimus Gill on July 4, 1763 in Corsica. His father was a lumberjack and his mother was a Weaving woman.
Excelling in engineering and medicine, the young Gill attended Oxford and Cambridge. Posing as an American named Thomas Jefferson, he founded the University of Virginia because he was such a badass. He attended medical school in London, graduating cum laude. He also befriended the only Jew in Europe at that time, Moses Goldstein. Also, he developed something of a rivalry with his half brother, Friedrich von Whoopass. However, through all of this, Dr. Gill was wrestling with the evil inside, Darth Guillotine.
After being confirmed as a Sith, Gill adopted the mantle, Darth Guillotine. He enjoyed his powers, but later changed his name from Darth Guillotine to Lord Guillotine because, "Darth sounds soooooo gay." While Guillotine amassed a great deal of wealth by cutting off people's heads, he made many enemies. His half-brother, a professional wrestler and chemist, Dr. Whoopass. In a small battle, Darth Guillotine led all of the people of Corsica against Dr. Whoopass and the King of Corsica. Sensing that he was defeated, Dr. Whoopass unleashed massive amounts of the chemical agent, Whoopass, on the Corsicans. Knowing he would die if he stayed, Guillotine fled Corsica with Moses Goldstein. Darth Guillotine decided to flee to France (for some reason) and Moses fled to Israel
While in France, Darth Guillotine decided that it would be a good idea to change his name and lay low. Changing his name to Dr. Guillotine, he started development on the guillotine, a device that could behead anyone or anything in one quick slice. King Louis XVI thought the idea was mad and had Guillotine appointed as Chief Badass of France. While Guillotine was initially pleased, he began to become bored with only a few executions of peasants. He hungered to see Marie Anoinette beheaded because she served him in a recent rap battle.
The French Revolution
In order to gear up for the French Revolution, Dr. Guillotine enlisted the help of his longtime friend, Moses Goldstein. While Moses suggested the use of Chuck Norris instead of guillotines, Dr. Guillotine wanted the publicity. As thousands of nobles were killed, Dr. Guillotine spent his time dancing in clubs to disco hits. He then made sure that the dwarf emperor Napoleon ascended to the throne.
Because he was a fellow Corsican, Guillotine wanted to make certain that Napoleon would ascend to the throne of France. He succeeded and befriended Napoleon, who rewarded Guillotine greatly. During the Napoleonic Wars, Guillotine became tired of the obnoxious French. He decided that a group of people who had 529 types of cheeses just didn't deserve to live. He gave Napoleon patented crazy pills and locked him up in the Bastille. He then decided to defect to the British to defeat the French.
Because he had never seen battle before or commanded men, the Queen of England decided to make him a Field Marshal. While he lead with heart, his men were constantly defeated by numerically inferior Frenchman. On the verge of losing a war to the French, Guillotine decided to resort to desperate measures. He made a collect phone call to his brother, Dr. Whoopass, who was currently in Russia eating people. Whoopass, who was notorious for his hatred of midgets immediately killed Napoleon and his entire army.