Jessica Fletcher
“That old girl taught me a few tricks!”
“Who?”
Jessica Fletcher, Empress of Maine (also of Maim), aka The Grim Reaper, has a mysterious and very interesting past that is far too interesting to include here. Fletcher is most commonly known as the world's most prolific and successful female serial killer.
A career as a mystery writer[edit]
Fletcher enjoyed a successful career as a mystery writer, doing most of her work from her house in Cabot Cove. Residents described her as a very pleasant person who seemed to have an interest in all aspects of the town and it's residents. Most of her books followed the adventures of a mystery writer named Angela Lansbury, set in the town of Murder She Wrote, Illinois.
Her first major seller was the critically acclaimed "Deadly Lady", the story of a father who died while at sea with his four daughters. Although the local police were convinced by the daughter's claim that he was washed overboard during a storm, Fletcher was suspicious and subsequently found the truth.
Within two months of the book's release, a remarkably similar event took place in Cabot Cove in which Fletcher investigated and found who she believed was the murderer. Criminologists studying Fletcher's life believe that this was her first murder.
This pattern continued, with Fletcher releasing a book only for a very similar murder to take place in real-life. No-one made the connection since intelligent people don't read murder mystery books. Had the murders taken place in modern times, it's highly likely that a blogger would put the facts together and publish them on their blog so it can be ignored like all other blogs.
Relationships[edit]
Fletcher was a widow, her husband dying in a freak accident when he was accidentally shot repeatedly in the back of the head while taking a bath. Homicidologists suspect that Fletcher may have been implicated in his death but the police dismissed it as just one of those things that happens when you take a bath and don't use one of those little rubber mats.
Fletcher in later years struck-up a close friendship with Doctor Seth Haslett, the town physician. Doctorologists have suggested that Doctor Haslett may have been an accessory to some of her murders. Fletcher was also friendly with Sherrif Amos, a graduate of the William Riker School of Jumping to Conclusions.
Totally oblivious! Seriously, doesn't this seem odd?[edit]
By 1987, Cabot Cove led the US in suspicious deaths, experiencing at least one mysterious death per week - compared to the national average of one every now and then. Despite Cabot Cove having a very small population, at least one new person would move in to the town each week, so keeping the population stable. Most newcomers would assist Fletcher in her killing by having a very serious grudge against someone else, and they would make this evident by arguing in public. Because of this, Fletcher's murders could easily be blamed on the newcomer with the grudge.
Precise figures are hard to find since no-one really keeps track of executions, but electric-chairologists believe that at least 264 people were framed and wrongly executed during Fletcher's reign of terror. Skeptologists are skeptical of this figure.
I mean come on, isn't it suspicious that wherever she goes there's a murder?[edit]
As well as random and entertaining murders in and around Cabot Cove, Fletcher would often visit other towns and cities to satisfy her need for warm, sweet, fear drenched blood that smells oh so sweet as it pumps from your victim and congeals on the floor, forming a lake of death.
Wherever Fletcher went, death would follow her. Unfortunately, police are universally not very clever so she was able to frame others for her crimes.
She goes missing and the murders stop. Isn't that a strange coincidence?[edit]
Fletcher vanished from sight in 1996, being last seen in San Francisco at the time when a local radio station owner was brutally disemboweled. As in many other cases, a friend of Fletcher was suspected but was cleared when Fletcher framed someone else. Disembowelologists pointed to the characteristics of the wound suggesting that it could only have been inflicted by a middle-aged female mystery writer. Police dismissed this evidence as they already had a suspect and it was happy hour at McGinty's Genuine Irish Bar (where the fun never starts).
Disappearologists have provided no clues as to where Fletcher may be at this moment. It's believed that she may have left the US and is pursuing a life of murder, oh sweet murder, in Europe or , oh sweet bloody murder, in England. Interpol are unconcerned since it's likely she's in France and no-one really cares about them.
Jessica was recently sighted in a small villaige in Iraq. Experts believe she may be giving Al-Qaeda training in murder in exchange for old lace and arsenic.
Other work[edit]
For many years Fletcher was mistaken for the fictional actor Angela Lansbury.