Impala
| Chevrolet impala ss | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Scientific classification | |
| Kingdom | Animal |
| Phylum | Ass Kicker |
| Class | Car |
| Order | American |
| Family | General Motors |
| Genus | Chevrolet |
| Species | impala |
| Binomial name | |
| Chevrolet impala | |
| Specifications | |
| Primary armament | Wheels with which to squish you |
| Secondary armament | Bumper with which to hit you |
| Power supply | V6 L67 |
| Health | 240 |
| Strength | 25 |
| Intelligence | 25 |
| Weight | 10 metric tonnes |
| Length | 3 meters (that's about as b) |
| Special attack | † |
| Conservation status | |
| Not endangered
| |
Impalas (Chevrolet impala) are tetrawheel animals which orginated from urban North America. They are related to Chevrolet lumina and began evolving back in the 1950s. Impalas are very intelligent animals and have been trained by police forces across North America to track down many types of criminals including pedophiles, drug dealers, bank robbers, murderers, terrorists, and jaywalkers. Like most Chevrolet, Impalas require a steady diet of gasoline in order to function properly. People who own Impalas need to give them some care such as changing their oil every three months and rotating their tires. Impalas are fast animals and can reach 60 miles per hour in less than 7 seconds.
Phylogeny[edit]
Impalas were believed to have evolved about 50 years ago in North America from an isolated population of Chevrolet belair. Early impalas were much different from their descendents, they were heavier and were rear wheel drive. The pure-bred impalas have been extinct since 1996, replaced in 2000 by inferior, inbred impalas which have almost zero distinguishing characteristics and are unfortunately driven by their front wheels. Impalas belong to the family General Motors and share a phylogeny with the genera Pontiac, Buick, and Oldsmobile(which went extinct as recently as 2 years ago). The family is believed to be almost 100 years old. These taxa are believed to have diverged from a common ancestor no earlier than 60 years ago which is relatively recent in geological time. The family rapidly diversified and now represent over 1000 individual species in 10 genera. The family General Motors is included within the order American and are also related to the Families of Ford and Chrysler. These families are believed to have diverged from a common ancestor around 103 years ago. The class to which the American order belongs to is thought to have existed for about 120 years and also includes orders such as Japanese, German, Italian, and British.
Domestication[edit]
Impalas were believed to have been domesticated by humans approximately six years ago. They are used by police forces across Canada and the United States to capture criminals. They are intelligent animals and were considered relatively easy to domesticate. They are also used by police because of their relative speed, they can reach 0 to 60 in approximately 6.5 seconds. Although other animals such as Ford crownvictoria had been domesticated by police in the past, impalas were deemed better because they were easier to train and also because they did not feed as much as Crown Victorias. When the world price of food products for cars rose in the early 2000s. It became obvious that the police needed to train a new animal in order to catch criminals in an inexpensive manner. However, it will be shot by Mexicans on sight, from a two-hundred year-old version, AKA a lowrider.
1994-1996 Impala SS[edit]
These were some of the fastest impalas ever created. These fearsome beasts will take down just about anything on the road, so when you pull up to a stop light hear a loud roar and look next to you and its an impala, there is only one thing to do, that is put your car in reverse and get the fuck out of there because it will eat you alive.
