I'm from the government and I'm here to help
“I'm from the government, and I'm here to help”
U.S. President Ronald Reagan once said that the nine most moving words in the English language are these. His detractors agreed that having a Reagan Administration aide declare that he is here to help was profoundly moving, as in moving to Canada or Switzerland.
A person from the government who is here to help can be any member of any non-specific government organization who is simply present to help. These individuals can usually help in many different ways, such as home improvement, cleaning, contracting, forced amnesia, MK ultra experiments, and competitive underwater basket weaving.
Origin of A Person from the Government Who's Here to Help[edit]
On September 8, 1947, President Harry S. Truman signed the National Security Act of 1947 (the prequel to the Homeland Security Act of 2001) which created a non-specific government organization which was tasked with gaining intelligence about the nation's own citizens for the greater good.
About 1 year after, the organization delved into the home improvement industry. While some citizens complained that their "improvements" were destructive and invaded their privacy and sometimes their constitutional rights, they coincidentally were killed in car accidents involving strange white vans and many weird holes in their windshields. In another strange twist, the bodies could not be recovered and autopsies were also strangely prohibited. Some sources claim that███████████████████████████████, but more on that later...
How to Identify A Person from the Government Who's Here to Help[edit]
Transportation[edit]
A Person from the Government Who's Here to Help will usually ride in or operate a small series of vehicles. For aerial travel, they tend to use Black Helicopters. For ground transport, they usually use fresh and clean suburbans or a White van. On rare occurrences, they are seen utilizing strange black sedans.
You can tell them apart from normal traffic by watching their driving patterns. If you post a statement opposing the Clintons online and a van suddenly begins to follow you, then it's just a person from the government who's here to help. The same goes for helicopters or planes, but this is usually when you claim that you are going to hijack and crash a plane.
Uniform[edit]
The attire of a person from the government who's here to help can vary widely. The usual depiction of a person from the government who's here to help is a man in a black suit with sunglasses. However, this is not entirely true. The standard uniform of a person from the government who's here to help is top secret.
However, a common masquerade is that of a solicitor. Have you ever wondered why those damn solicitors just will not go away? It's because they are actually people from the government who are here to help. Never let them into your home, as they will most likely offer some kind of unnecessary service that will usually have something to do with home improvement or household cleaning.
What to expect from A Person from the Government Who's Here to Help[edit]
A person from the government who's here to help will exhibit many common behaviors. First off, they will come to your door and seemingly advertise some product from some random small company. This will usually have something to do with home improvement or cleaning, with the occasional instance of kitchen cookware. Sometimes they will request to come inside and survey something random, and other times they will run away when you come to the door. People who are here to help also sometimes dress up in silly "disguises", sometimes masquerading as a construction worker, a police officer, a member of a non-specific government organization, or sometimes a prostitute. Occasionally they are seen near political opponents of the current president and sometimes international innovators and engineers who seemingly disappear days later.
There have been many claims that these people carry handguns, and that others feel as if they're about to be assassinated. However, this has been proven false by the people from the government who are here to help labor union.
How to Deal with A Person from the Government Who's Here to Help[edit]
When dealing with a person from the government who's here to help, you must be 100% sure that they are in fact a person from the government who's here to help. Once you have identified a person from the government who's here to help, you should...
Oh? What's this red dot on my chest?
