HowTo:Teach a six-legged lame man how to jump rope

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When teaching a six-legged lame man how to jump rope the first consideration is the extent of the man's lameness and the length and speed of the rope. If the rope is too short, or is not spun with enough torque, the results could be disastrous. Legs and limbs and the knocking over of the vases and the drinks and the guy is finally just laying there, all six legs pumping away in a jumping motion. So do it right or don't do it at all.

Step One:Find or create a six-legged lame man

You don't just walk out on the street and find one, they aren't falling out of the trees you know (and if they were what a hell of a world it would be). You have to search the net, the newspaper archives, or the sideshow nursing homes to find a six-legged man (a woman won't do because she'll balk at the "prove it!" x-ray). Then when you find him and show up on his doorstep, make sure he's lame. You can hire a guy named Vinny for that, or it's a doityourselfer, either or.

If in all of your due diligence and detective skills you cannot find a six-legged man, you'll either have to find two three-legged men or three two-legged men. Strap them together, then lame them. Whistle while you work.

Step Two:Obtain a rope

You want your rope to be long enough to encircle the six-legged lame man, but not too long or you're get too much slack in the middle. If it's not the right length you may have to hire professional-twirlers, and who wants to spend that kind of cash? A tip: A good jump rope is just long enough to rotate once per two words of whatever rope-jumping song you're planning on using.

Medical advice: If the rope is too thin or too thick you may get some ropeburn on your six-legged lame man. It can easily scrape his arms, shoulder, scalp, and nose. Worse case scenerio: multiple rope-burn-slaps across his neck.

Step Three:Hire some kids to twirl the rope

Not your father's jumprope.

Use girls for this, they seem to be naturals. Comes with the territory. Just grab a couple in the playground, flash some money, and explain the job. Don't be surprised if they bring along a nerd to vid the whole thing and it ends up on youtube.

Step Four:Now shove your six-legged lame man into the twirl

Shove him into the twirl hard. In one quick motion. And then there he is, in the middle, and the kids are twirling, and his legs are flopping like broken propellers every which way, and all the kids laugh and laugh, and you laugh and laugh, and nobody gets any work done the rest of the day.

Or a slower more boring technique is to actually teach him something about jumping rope. Sit the six-legged lame man down in a large chair and diagram the moves he is expected to learn: The jump (some call it a hop, a leap, a whipperwhill airball, King's X, and "the Grover"), and the subsequent return to the ground due to gravity (a.k.a. the pull of the earth, a.k.a. the hangman's friend). Being lame he will have to learn to live with the pain, so teach him how to do that. Pain him, pain him for a long time and in various ways. Painkillers or cortisone shots may keep him hopping over the rope, but this is called "juicing" in the jump rope game, and is frowned upon by most serious fifth-graders.

Keep your 6LLM working long enough and he'll eventually become quite good at jumping rope (practice makes perfect - or so my girlfriend keeps hoping. I call her "The Optimist").

Finally, when all is said and done, the game is afoot (or six afoots). Now you can take your six-legged lame man on the circuit. Just remember, bring plenty of socks.

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