HowTo:Survive in Madness Combat

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Nevada is dangerous. Let's get that out of the way first. Aside from losing all your money, you are also likely to be killed brutally, with the possibility of being turned into a zombie, then be brutally killed again. Also, reality seems not to exist in Nevada. Combine these, and you have a 95% chance of dying within a short period of time, if you wind up in Nevada. Wait, you're in Nevada right now? Shit. Okay, okay, stay calm, stay calm. Now, of course, you want to survive, and, being a semi-nice guy, I'm going to help you. So follow me. Stay close and keep your eyes open.

Finding out if you're in a Madness Combat cartoon[edit]

Now, if we aren't in one, we should be perfectly fine. Aside from being in Nevada, there are several major signs that you are in a Madness Combat cartoon.

Major Signs[edit]

These are the ones you really need to watch out for...

  • You see the phrase "Somewhere in Nevada"
  • Nearly everything is in greyscale.
  • You look in a mirror to find that your head is now just an oval with the cross artists use to align facial feature. Also your hands simply float in the air, and are in no way connected to your body. And your legs are hidden, with only your feet showing
  • You hear a Chicken Dance Remix playing.
If you look like this, be very concerned...
  • Everyone looks similar to you, and nearly all of them are carrying weapons.
  • You see a badly battered Jesus Christ.
  • Posters for the death of a certain person are plastered around the area.
  • Creepy electronic music is playing.
  • Things that obviously cannot occur realistically, occur.

Lesser signs[edit]

These are still helpful, but not as important.

  • The sky is black and/or red.
  • The landscape is unnaturally barren.
  • There is a bakery.
  • Bakery has a giant marshmellow in front of it.
  • A Whale is floating in the background.

Avoid these[edit]

These are the things/people you will want to stay away from...


  • Cliffs, as a train will come out of nowhere and crash on top of you.
  • Parties/Raves, ESPECIALLY if the DJ is a zombie clown wearing a hockey mask.
  • Building that fall out of the sky: duh!
  • Open areas, as heavy things will fall on you.
  • Warning signs. If you see them, RUN!!!
  • Improbability drives. Doubly so if they are on. If they are, do not attempt to turn them off, as something will come to stop you.
  • The phrase "Reality compromised. The clown has been engaged." This is a VERY bad sign. And stay away from any living clown.
  • Smoking. If someone hands you a cigar, DO NOT SMOKE IT! Smokers are cursed to die in Madness.
  • Any type of building that is, or is not guarded. Chances are good that 90% of people trapped in the cartoon will ignore this, and go running for damn cover.
  • Trains. If you get on a Train and a clown with a welder's mask and a Warning sign offers you a seat, politely get your ass as far away as possible. The less you have to do with the Clown and/or any other character, the better.


  • The obvious protagonist, is either an increasingly beat up assassin, goes by Hank J. Wimbleton. Both are heavily armed, and very adept at combat.
  • A psychotic clown carrying a warning sign. May be a zombie, or a giant flaming demon. Be especially worried if he is twitching uncontrollably, or is in the presence of an improbability drive. Has a giant penis which he uses to beat Jesus over the head with (goes by Tricky).
  • A shadowy guy with glowing red eyes, armed with a minigun, MP5s, machetes, and a bazooka, and can dodge all your bullets. Known as the Auditor.
  • Sanford and Deimos running around with hooks and guns. These guys are badass and will kill you for "epic lulz"
  • People that look like you, but are 3 times bigger and carrying giant shotguns and pistols. They go by "Mag Agents" and are capable of doing a friggin' heap load of damage.
  • But if you see Jesus, dont worry. He's your bro. Just dont get killed near him or he'll zombifie you to get pwned again.

What to do if you are caught in the cartoon[edit]

Aw, shit! We're in the fucking cartoon!! We're gonna DIE!!! OH, GOD, PLEASE SPARE ME!!!! AAAAAAAAA!!!!! Gasp!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--

Blood Spatter.jpg

(ahem) However, there are ways to survive...

What to do to survive[edit]

  • Do NOT dress up as Agent Smith. You might as well hang a "Please kill me" sign around your neck
  • Do NOT hold a weapon when the protagonist is in the room with you. He'll shoot you if he sees it. You may be able to save your life if you give him your weapon (non-threateningly), while pleading to be spared.
  • Do NOT attack the protagonist. He is far more skilled than you will ever be, and you don't stand a prayer of winning.
  • Do NOT be a sheriff. You will be hunted down and killed, in you are.
  • If you are caught in a rave when the DJ has been shot, and the party-goers are attacking the protagonist, do NOT join them. Keep some distance from the massacre, and watch the party-goers get hacked to bits. Smoke a cigarette, if you wish. Make sure to stay away from the door when it is blown into the rooms, out of the path of ricocheting bullets, and exploding protagonists.
  • If the protagonist wants your boom-box, give it to him. Do NOT punch him in the face, as he will kill you if you do.
  • Do NOT continue dancing as the resultant massacre from the above situation unfolds. Stop dancing and get out of there, before the protagonist finishes, and shoots you so he can dance by himself.
  • Stay away from cliffs near missing bridges.
  • Keep an eye out for falling Flying Parties.
  • Beware of giant falling marshmallows near bakeries.
  • Take up employment as a hot dog vendor. Even the most psychotic killer will spare an innocent hot dog vendor.
  • Stay out of buildings full of armed guards
  • If you see headlights approaching fast, do NOT just stand there. RUN!!!
  • Give me your monies, just to be safe.
  • Print this out for handy reference.