HowTo:Successfully pull a woman
|
HowTo This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos |
The following passage contains all you need to know about getting that girl of your dreams back to your place for a bit of sexytime (consult HowTo:Make sexytime like Borat).
Most important[edit]
Never split an infinitive. How could you?
Stage One - Finding the Mark[edit]
As with all animal species, you must locate the correct female to attempt to take back to you apartment for sexytime. This can be done by the use of hunting dogs, or by using your naturally brilliant sense of smell (for those without the ability to smell, hunting dogs is advised). The perfect woman should be exactly 1.65743836474826 metres tall although a variation of 6.0867564x10^-37 millimetres is acceptable. She should have hair that is just below shoulder length and should be of ample breast size. When a woman fitting this description is located, it is time for Stage Two.
Stage Two - First Contact[edit]
Now you have the perfect woman in sight (being men, we have to resort to weapon metaphors) it is time to begin conversing with her. Yes, they're humans too y'know, and humans are a social animal, as Aristotle once said (Philosophers are always handy for such insight). For the opening few lines of conversation it is important not to mention sex, as this is a massive turn off for the woman, however there is a 1.0543x10-89% chance the woman is feeling the need for a good time and sex will therefore be the first words exchanged. If this should happen, no further reading of this how to is necessary. You shouldn't need to tell them what gender you are incidentally, it should be apparent, and if not, perhaps you needed to wait a little longer after you had the operation.
Begin casual conversation, like talking about the news, what hobbies they have, or perhaps the first 40 digits of pi. Be a good sport, and avoid the subject of any sport, as girls will associate sport with TV, and therefore with a couched potato (you, in case you didn't know). Avoiding direct eye contact for more than a second is essential, however do not stare obsessively at anywhere below her neck, as this makes you look desperate for sex, and this will only induce rejection, and if you are reading this article, that is the last thing you want.
Stage Three - The Chat Up Line[edit]
Chat up lines come in many different forms, from the subtle and clever to the rude and blatant. Shown below are some specimen lines that you may find find useful:
- Hey, are you an electrician? (what?) Cause you're turning me on
- Do u have a laser in ur pocket because i want to do you
- Are you a builder, cause your making me erect! :D
- Hey want to go out for a pizza and a fuck? (Her:Yes/No) If answer is no- What, you don't like pizza?
- Hi, I edit Wikipedia.
- Hi, I edit Uncyclopedia.
- Hi, I edit Encyclopedia Dramatica.
- Did it hurt? - She: Did what hurt? - When you fell out of heaven?
- Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
- (to two or more girls) I don't wanna come between you, or do I?
- Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
- Was your father a thief? 'Cause I saw someone who looks an awful lot like you going through my glove compartment a few weeks ago.
- If I could re-arrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I next to sex.
- Yo fada, does he steal tings? Cuz somewun stoh da staws from da sky and put dem in yo eyebaws.
- Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.
- Did it hurt? - She: Did what hurt? - The roundhouse kick to the face?
- Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your virginity.
- Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your purse and money.
- Hello...I've only got three months to live.
- I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your vagina?
- Are those space pants? 'Cuz your ass is out of this world.
- If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
- Nice shoes...fancy a date?
- Nice shoes...wanna fuck?
- Can I take your picture? (Why?) Because I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
- Are you from heaven? 'Cause I've got an erection.
- Soo...You ever been date-raped?
- Did you just fart? Because you blew me away.
- How do you like your eggs? Boiled or fertilized?
- Is this is the smoking section? 'Cuz baby you light me up.
- Fancy a shagg?
- Hey baby, I left my phone number at home, can I have yours?
- You don't sweat much for a fat lass.
- Bingo! (perplexed look) Wait. Can I get your numbers one more time?
- Hey, does this smell like chloroform to you?
- I've got a knife.
- Get in the van.
- -begin poking with index finger- Go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on go on.
NOTE: there is only a 12% chance chat up lines will be successful, which means unsuccessful ones will result in instant rejection, therefore use with caution. The sure-fire way to get a woman to like you is to treat 'em like complete shit. There are equations out there to show why that is true - but most women are put off by maths geeks anyway.
Stage Four - the Seal[edit]
By this point, if you have done everything as this guide says, you will be nearly there. All that remains now is the seal. In basic English, the seal is the excuse to get her back to your place or you to hers. This stage is quite simple, as all that is needed is a casual reference to something at you or her house and she will respond with an invitation back to yours or a suggestion for yours. (At this point if no such invitation is received, tell the barman the lady is going to pay whilst she is not listening, say you are going to the toilet, head to another bar and consult Stage One).
Remember, if the woman is responding, and you are leaving for sex, always pay the bill. This shows you are a gentlemen and secures your sex tonight. Now get your coat, you've pulled! If you really made the effort and donned a tuxedo, don't forget to take that with you either, as they're quite expensive.