HowTo:Stay Awake in Boring Meetings

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Yes, there are better ways to fend off a nap than jamming a pen into your thigh under the table. Although oddly enough, this still works, but if that fails allow us to show you HowTo:Stay Awake in Boring Meetings.

Steps

1. Open a window. Warm, stuffy rooms promote brain fog. Fresh air and street noise will help keep you alert even when the subject matter doesn't.
2. Apply (acu)pressure. Tap your fingers on your forehead, massage the muscles between your thumb and index finger, rub the base of your skull, or knead the spot below your knee.
3. Peel an orange. Or pop an Altoid. Citrus and mint aromas not only help you stay focused, they also reduce anxiety and frustration.
4. Plan to avoid tired times. If you're the boss, have mercy. Don't schedule meetings between 1 and 4 pm. People get mighty drowsy after scarfing down their turkey sandwiches. And save those long, tedious speeches for morning sessions.
5. Go to the loo. Even if you don't need to take a leak, you can still pretend you do. Take your time. Use a bathroom on another floor. Walk slowly. Stop to talk to coworkers who aren't at the meeting.
6. Play Bullshit Bingo. You can probably find a copy of this game online.
7. Pass notes. Find creative ways to pass notes with coworkers. Chances are, even if your boss does see you doing so, he or she won't be able to believe you had the audacity to do so in the first place.
8. Doodle. Be creative. For extra fun, pass the drawing around the table.
9. Think dirty thoughts. Pick someone who's particularly attractive, and undress them with your mind. Just don't get caught staring. And whatever you do, just don't adjust parking in the meeting, if you know what I mean.
10. Think horrible thoughts. If the last one doesn't help, this should. Picture someone in the meeting, being horribly tortured to death. Again, don't get caught staring, and if you're into that kind of S&M thing, remember what I said about the parking.
11. Harass coworkers. This is pretty fun, if you happen to be sitting across from your best mate. Kick them. Hard. Pretend you didn't. Let them kick you back, and follow with your own attack. Pretty soon, you'll have distracted everyone to the point that you'll probably be asked to stop. But you'll have gotten the blood flowing a bit more, so it's a pretty effective way of staying awake. Another way to harass the people you work with, is to find one of your female(male) friends, preferably one across the table or room, and make large and extremely suggestive movements of your eyebrows at her(him). People will most likely be staring. For extra fun, try doing it to a (wo)man who is not a friend. This works especially well the more important the meetings are.
12. Bite your finger. Alright, I've gotta admit this can be painful, but generally the pain will wake you up a bit.......
13. The pencil method. As already mentioned above, jamming a pen into your thigh is a stupid way to keep awake, and yet it still works. But for an easier, less painful method, you can always drop a writing implement on the ground and then bend over to pick it up. This too, will get the blood flowing and keep you awake. Note: Woman (particularly attractive ones) wearing skirts should not try this, unless she would like to attract the attention of every male in the room. Note: If there are attractive women in the room (with short skirts, of course), and you happen to be a man, pretend that you can't find the pen/pencil for a few seconds and try to sneak a peek. (DON'T GET CAUGHT!)
14. Stretch. Just stand up in the meeting and start. Complain that you did one of two things: a) bench pressed several hundred pounds the previous night or b) had wild sex. Of course the second one is much more fun to say in a meeting.
15. Be annoying. At random intervals, make comments about things that are pretty much irrelevant to the topic at hand. When a pie chart is presented, bring up pie or pi. When a joke is cracked, start telling knock knock jokes. Interrupt people.
16. Use your brain.... When you're really bored, recall the lyrics to old songs you used to like. If they don't come to mind, remember the lyrics to the music you currently like. You can also try recalling the dialog to entire scenes in movies. If none of those work, just do some math problems like this: $e=e+1$. It's completely impossible! Just trying to solve it makes your brain work very, very hard which, in turn, will keep you awake.
17. Use your pencil/pen creatively Pick up your pen or pencil and imagine that you are being attacked by millions of tiny (insert subject of destruction here) suddenly you become filled with mystical power and fight them all of with creative pencil use,experiment with differing techniques. If you have an eraser that represents a being that may only be vanquished by smacking it so hard with your "staff" that it flies across the room and hits the person giving the meeting in the face.

Tips

• Coffee. Coffee is a very addictive beverage, but it has it's perks, just like most drugs do. Bring coffee or another beverage to the meeting, and sip it slowly. Sipping drinks is scientifically proven to keep you awake, even if they don't have caffeine. But let's be on the safe side, and get a caffeinated beverage

Warnings

• Bosses. Be careful when using some of these suggestions, because if your boss is the type that loves these ever loathful meetings, you might not be too popular when you do some of the things previously suggested......

Things You'll Get From These Meetings

Nothing. Obviously.

See also

• Project Manager
• Moving the goal posts