HowTo:Sell ice to Eskimos

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So there you are, trying to sell ice to Eskimos. Selling ice to Eskimos is like selling sand to a Mexican, a nuke to an Iranian, Myspace to Mark Zuckerberg—you get my point. But you're confident. You've got the skills to do it. You sit at your little computer, with full faith in your status as master of the sale.

You're wrong. You're going to need some help. Here's what you've got to do.

Step I: Know your product

You see this? This is called ice. They have quite a lot of it up north.

If you want to have a snowball's chance in Hell of selling ice to an Eskimo, you gotta know what you're selling, inside and out. Fortunately, clever little bastard that you are, you've got this handy guide you looked up on Uncyclopedia to tell you.

So, let's get to it. What you're selling is called ice. Good old frozen H₂O. You've probably come into contact with it before. It's what they gave you when you ordered that drink on the rocks at the bar last night. But to truly know your product, you've got to make sure you know the properties of ice.

Ice is cold

No s**t, Sherlock. Don't believe me? Go over to your freezer, get some ice from the tray, and hold it tight in your palm. That feeling of coldness that you get is from the ice, man.

Ice is hard

Grab another ice cube. Now, grasp it firmly by the hand, and hit yourself on the head with it. See what I mean?

Ice is made from water

This should be obvious. Do you remember that tray that you got the ice from? If you've hit yourself properly with the ice cube as instructed above, probably not. But anywhat, when you put the tray in the freezer last night, it was filled with water. Then you went to sleep, and upon awaking, you had a tray of ice instead. Pretty cool, huh? Science at work.

So...You got all that? Have you committed it to memory? Great! You can move on to Step II.

Step II: Understand your customer

Until you manage to get into their heads, this is the only reaction you're likely to get.

If you want to sell ice to an Eskimo, you're going to have to first think like an Eskimo. This does not mean flipping to the Discovery Channel and watching the next documentary on Eskimos that you see. You gotta get out there, man. Find out what it's like for an Eskimo. Live a day of his life. Climb into his snowshoes. Find out how ice plays a part in his life. And most importantly, gain his trust. If he's not taking you out with him on seal hunts and arranging your marriage to his daughter, you're not working hard enough.

You can take him. Right?

However, gaining the Eskimo's trust (and tapping some sweet, sweet Inuit poon) is not going to be easy. You've got to prove yourself worthy in his eyes before you can even begin the process. This usually involves a particularly painful initiation process – reminiscent of college fraternity hazing – wherein you are stripped down naked and forced to wrestle a polar bear.

After you've proved your masculinity, you can begin understanding the way they live, and finally begin the process of gaining their trust. Now is the time to move onto Step III.

Step III: Remove all competition

That's right. Basic understanding of business will tell you that it is best to have a monopoly in your market. So what you need to do is remove the competition. Fortunately, you have Global warming on your side for this one. But to speed it along, you'll probably have to help.

Bring various heat-based weapons. Flamethrowers work nicely, but Molotov cocktails are just as good.

Step IV: Make the sale

Once all the ice as melted, pull the surviving Eskimos out of the water and into your boat that you brought along (you did bring a boat, right?).

Explain to them that there is no longer any ice left in a 300-mile radius, and that it is in their best interest to buy your ice.

Step V: Pat yourself on the back

Congratulations, you've just sold ice to (and probably all but wiped out) the Eskimos!