HowTo:Say "I love you" this Valentine's Day in 6 ways

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I was told to add a picture of a heart to this article to help make it more thematic.

Valentine's Day is the greatest holiday ever, because it gives us all an incentive to actually try and impress the person we want to exchange bodily fluids with. Couples can take one day out of the year to rekindle the dying flames in their increasingly monotonous relationships. The single either wallow in their self-pity, or must attempt something daring to impress that average-looking guy who seems to be the only one interested. Either way, it is a joyous time for all.

Of course, men and women have very different tastes and expectations. Men don't want teddy bears and flowers, and women don't want a sandwich and blowjob. So below are six appropriate ways to say "I love you" regardless of your chromosome pairing.

1. SUVs are very popular among love interests of people who read HowTos, so it's highly recommended that you buy one for that special someone. While SUVs may be expensive, nobody ever did say that love was cheap. I bet you were beginning to believe that this article would tell you how to get away with not buying anything expensive because it's not as "thoughtful." Yeah right. Stop being a cheapskate and buy them an SUV.
2. Mix CDs and playlists are for high school geeks and losers. Instead, make that special someone a video montage of porn clips you mutually enjoy. It's a creative, original, and thoughtful way of reminding them of your shared sick fetishes. For added creativity, include cheesy montage music the likes of Survivor and Kenny Loggins. If you're not sure of what their sick fetishes are, then just use your own and pray that they enjoy them.
3. The Department of Homeland security recommends that all Americans have at least one roll of duct tape to seal their doors and windows shut in the event of terrorists blasting suburbia with teargas. Surprisingly, most Americans do not own a roll of duct tape for legitimate purposes. Just because your hubby doesn't have anything to live for doesn't mean they need to be breathing in mustard gas! Buy them a roll of it, but remember to do something stupid like decorate it with stickers. Remind them of the importance of owning a roll of duct tape.
4. Women love a guy with a sense of adventure, and guys love a woman who leaves the house as much as possible. This gives both partners an inherit desire and opportunity to cheat. Invest in a home video surveillance system with the reasoning that it will "make your home more safe for your family." It is best advised that you install cameras in all places of the house where they may have sex with another person, particularly the restroom, the drier, the roof, under the kitchen sink, and behind the couch where you have your mountain of candy wrappers. Nothing says "I love you" more than 24-hour video surveilla -- er, I mean safety.
5. If it's good for you, then it's good for them. Any remediable physical attribute of theirs is a worthwhile investment for your sweetheart. Girlfriend have a hairy upper lip? Buy her a lip waxing kit! Husband balding? Buy him a Bruce Willis mask! The possibilities are endless. Find your lover's flaws and be creative!
6. If none of the above sound doable, then take them out with all of your friends to get drunk. Let yourselves get loose; tell them you want to have a night with "no strings attached." If you wake up in bed with them the next morning, then you will have shared one of the most partially-memorable nights of your young lives together. If not, then it just wasn't meant to be and you will die alone.